I'm so tired.
I'm at an exhausting point in my life,.putting all my effort into moving forward, but seeing no change. Working six to seven days a week, trying to become proficient at one job and certified in the other. Trying to make time to expand and dedicate my efforts to my one dream job, and failing. Trying desperately to create art that means something, and to bring in New clients so that I can still call it a business. Trying to figure out my next move and my next purchase, but also trying to save up for a wedding -and to not have a wedding that looks thrown together and cheap. It's exhausting.
I'm watching these people who only make coffee and love it, and think that I don't have time to love what I do.
I'm watching these people run their tax practices and be fantastic at it, and think that I don't know if I could ever profit from running a business like them. That all of the knowledge I've gathered so far might not even be worth anything to anyone. That maybe I need a new career that pays the bills. A hard thought to swallow when up till a few months ago, I never even wanted any career. And desperately loved this job.
I'm watching other people who are also photographers thrive and throw money at their business, opening up studios, buying thousands of dollars worth of lens and New camera parts. Oh how I wish I had the money to do things like that. To buy whatever I thought might work. Instead I buy a new photography focus book, read the whole thing cover to cover ten times, and absorb everything. Because absorbing knowledge is free. I so wish that someday I could create my outdoor home studio, with all of the pieces that I love to work with. With props and indoor lighting and perfect lenses. If I had the time and money, I could be the photographer I so long to be.
And the wedding. For the first time since I got engaged, the wedding is stressing me out. I'm getting married in two months. Another thing that's soaking up all of my time, money, and efforts. To work with the right people, to spend a decent but carefully executed amount of money. To make it look special, but not like every other white wedding anyone has ever been to. To look perfect. To write perfect vows. To invite the right people. Some days I just don't want to think about it.
I have jobs that soak up all my time, a wedding that's soaking up all my money, and the hopes that when it's all over, I can reboot my business and truly create a career where I can turn dreams into something so special. I can't let it sit, even though I feel showed up in every category.
And these are just my problems. Just a few of my problems. Not even including the problems that my soon to be husband is dealing with. He had his own slew of things that he's dealing with, and all of our issues combined affect both of us. Terribly. We have so many priorities, and photography just can't seem to make it to the top of mine. I feel awful. I wake up feeling exhausted. And now here I am, off to work again.
Pray for me.
Love,
Alice
