Struggles.

Everyone struggles, some people just hide their pain better than others.  Every time you talk to someone on the street, see a person you know at church, or chat with your co-workers, we're all hiding something.  Everyone has an issue, everyone has a bad habit, and everyone is insecure in some way.  Some of these issues are things that you tell your friends, discuss with your partner, or maybe you just prefer to keep it all inside.  It's really up to you, but I can tell you from personal expierience that sometimes it's better to just let it all out.  Now I'm not talking about venting and totally ravaging someone's entire afternoon with your endless problems, but getting a second opinion is definetly more helpful.  And a little venting isn't all that bad.

Some people struggle with rumors, some people struggle with faith, some people struggle with self control, some people's struggles are so deep that they don't know how to tell anyone that they even have a problem.  Be sensetive, even if you don't really know how to help.  Sometimes all these people need to know is that not everyone on this earth is a jerk.  So be the not-jerk that proves it.

Love,
Alice

Fearless.

You know what I love? That moment when you meet someone so completely and utterly awesome that even though you know that everyone must be jealous of them, you can't help but adore them.  The people that make a real change, the ones who live their lives without fear of judgement or failure.  People like that leave me in awe, they inspire me to take charge and be fearless too!

The actual definition of fearless? "Free from fear or brave." According to the Merriam-Webster dictionary that is.

Of course, the Urban Dictionary version is always entertaining: "Being able to stare at someone in the eye as they hold a rubber band wrapped around their hand in the shape of the gun and not flinch."

But I think that I kind of prefer the Taylor Swift definition better: "Fearless is not the absence of fear. It’s not being completely unafraid. Fearless is having fears. Fearless is having doubts. Lots of them. Fearless is living in spite of those things that scare you to death. Fearless is falling madly in love again, even though you’ve been hurt before. Fearless is walking into your freshmen year of high school at fifteen. Fearless is getting back up and fighting for what you want over and over again… even though every time you’ve tried before, you’ve lost. It’s fearless to have faith that someday things will change. Fearless is having the courage to say goodbye to someone who only hurts you, even if you can’t breathe without them. It’s fearless to fall for your best friend, even though he’s in love with someone else. And when someone apologizes to you enough times for things they’ll never stop doing, it’s fearless to stop believing them. It’s fearless to say “you’re NOT sorry”, and walk away. Loving someone despite what people think is fearless. Allowing yourself to cry on the bathroom floor is fearless. Letting go is fearless. Then, moving on and being alright…that’s fearless too. But no matter what love throws at you, you have to believe in it. You have to believe in love stories and Prince Charming's and happily ever after. Love is FEARLESS."

Yes, I know, totally lame for a blogger to merely quote others when she's supposed to be depicting her own view on life.  So let me share my own view of what fearless means to me:  Fearless is being able to wake up in the morning wearing tights under your ripped jeans, a baggy rock n' roll t-shirt, crazy bedhead and sunglasses with no make-up and feeling beautiful because you know it doesn't matter what other people think.  Fearless is singing a song that you wrote from painful personal experience  on stage in front of the world and not caring.  Fearless is speaking your mind in front of a room full of people and being proud of it.  Fearless is moving forward from the past even when you have no idea what the future brings.  Fearless is traveling to new places and jumping in head first.  Fearless is trying new things and being okay with the fact that you just might fail more than once.  Fearless is hope, it's beautiful, it's never giving up because you know that tomorrow will be better.

I wish that I could be fearless more often, to not care what people say about me.  One day soon I hope that I can look at myself in the mirror and feel completely happy about who I am and what I look like.  One day. In the meantime, I am happy trying to get there, pushing a little harder, trying new things.  One day I'll be fearless too.

Love,
Alice

Blah.

I don't know quite what to say today.  It's just one of those days where I feel completely lost in my own life, like I have no business living it.  I don't know where I'm going, I don't even know where I stand sometimes.  I used to write songs whenever I felt like that, but the words never come as easily anymore.  It's just one of those days where you're not really sure what to do.  You go to work, you come home, you flounder around.  One of those days where you have to go to Wal-Mart just to remind yourself that you are not, in fact, at the very bottom of the social food chain.

It's on days like this that I should really stop trying to accomplish anything and just try to relax, to just remind myself that I am important.  I often forget that, that I do matter.  I don't generally think of myself as being something to devote time to -hence the reason that I leave clothes everywhere, forget to go to the library, or would rather buy things for other people instead of myself.  Days where I should really pick up the bible and read a book or two, but instead having to realize that my mind might as well have a "Battery power low" emblem flashing on my fourhead -so I usually just paint my nails, watch Netflix or read a fashion magazine.  Simple, mindless tasks. Maybe I'll go browse Pinterest if I care enough.  Hopefully the mundane factor of it all will give me enough energy to lead a normal life tomorrow when I wake up. Because today I don't want to do anything.

I hope all y'all's day is more productive than mine!

Love,
Alice

Speak now.

Beautiful words evoke emotion, that I very strongly believe.  Some day I hope to be able to tell stories in a way that force people to stop and reflect, to think about things that they've never thought of before, to remember wonderful things that they had forgotten, to take them to a place that they've never dreamed of before.  I want to be the person who shows them that new place in their mind, even if we never meet.

I wish that more people read books. Not just for educational purposes, but for satisfaction of the soul.  Stories that take you away, poetry that creates beauty in things that you merely walk by on a normal day, novels that speak volumes about feelings that you didn't know that you had because you couldn't find the right words to express them.

I admire quiet people at times, for they always seem to be in tune with themselves.  If more quiet people wrote down their thoughts and expressed themselves to the world, they could make such a difference.  Even stories like Twilight that have grown into huge obnoxious franchises, started out as merely a story in someones mind that they hoped would reach out and touch people.

My Grandfather once told me to never be profane, for there were too many words in the world to use the same few out of frustration and laziness.  He told me that I was too smart and creative to let myself fall into society's linguistically challenged trap.  This always amused me, because he was a man who rarely spoke, but he did read and he kept a journal till the day he died.  I would remember sitting next to the fireplace listening to him tell stories about my ancestors, riding across the country on horses, stories of him growing up in the south and on the run because of his father's criminal mob involvement. Listening to how he left and made a life for himself, hopefully one day my life's story will serve as at the very least entertainment for my own grandchildren.

People often think that their thoughts don't matter, a speculation that leaves us living our life day to day without giving us a chance to reflect properly or prepare for the future.  I have little hope for future generations who do not have the sensibility to learn from the past through words, nor do they have the vocabulary to properly express themselves.

Hopefully some will learn the magic of reading, and spread the word little by little every day.  Be one of those people.

Love,
Alice.

Maybe.

We all do it. We all look back, whether it’s looking back to last year or yesterday, we all look back and wonder what could’ve happened. Is it better that it happened and ended or to never happen and always wonder? There will always be a maybe. There will always be a slim chance that something could happen, there will always be a slim chance that something will go horribly wrong. And sometimes things go wrong, rarely all at once, but it does happen. People who you thought would always be there will let you down, people you love will hurt you, people you barely know can help you more than they will ever know in your time of need. And maybe sometimes all you need is to just push forward and leave it all behind. 

Take care of the people you care about, let go of the people who don’t care about you. People you expect to leave you just might be there after all and the one person you thought you could count on forever will not only leave you but will push you down when you least expect it. Maybe no one is who they seem on the surface. Maybe everyone needs a second glance. Then the bad days keep on coming, but in order to have a good day, sometimes you have to have a bad day. It takes a bad day to recognize a good day, and sometimes it takes many long bad days to show you that maybe, just maybe you’re strong enough to hold on and push through. Bad days that show you who is willing to stand by you and tell you that maybe you’re an alright person after all.

Sometimes you need someone to hold your hand and you just blindly put your hand out and you don’t know who will hold you up. Love doesn’t mean dependency, it means caring for someone no matter what happens to them. But no matter what happens, you have to take care of yourself. You can’t always depend on someone else to listen to your problems or be there for you, but sometimes they will be there anyways. Company doesn’t always mean security, sometimes you feel more alone surrounded by people than you ever will in an empty room because it feels as though no one will ever understand what you’re going through. There is almost always one person who will be there for you when you need them -sometimes it’s just hard to figure out who that one person is. Once you figure that out, you’ll be okay. You learn to accept what you cannot change, with grace instead of grief. You learn that not everyone believes that things will work out and you have to choose to not let them tear you down. You learn to make plans only for today because tomorrow isn’t always a guarantee. You learn that you really can grow past things and learn to be okay with how things have worked out, even if you still wish they had somehow been different. You can’t go back to yesterday because whatever happened that made you wish you could go back has already changed you. You became different than who you were. Which is never a bad thing. You learn that you are stronger than you ever thought you were and that you can make your own way. You might not remember every hello but every goodbye will be seared into your mind, even if only one of you knows it’s actually goodbye.

Anything you do at any given moment will never cease to astound or offend someone. Something as simple from the way you dress to the music you listen to, to your religion or political standpoint can affect what people think. So you might as well just do what you want and say how you feel. You just have to realize who you are and how you feel, because those who matter don’t mind and those who mind don’t matter. You will change, and so will your friends, just because you don’t share opinions doesn’t mean you can’t love them -but they might not always be able to handle it. In which case you have to let them go. If they come back then they always cared, if they don’t then maybe they never really did care. We all make mistakes, we’ve all been known to say something that we regret later or that we don’t really mean. Sometimes you have a right to be angry, but you never have a right to be cruel. You are responsible for what you do, not matter how you feel at that moment, so learn to control your attitude before it controls you. Sometimes you have to move forward and let it go, even if it can’t be fixed. Forgiving yourself is different than forgiving someone else. It’s harder. Forgiving other people sometimes means you’re just tired of trying. Forgiving yourself takes time, and sometimes encouraging words from someone who can see the real you even when you can’t.

We all lay there at night sometimes and wonder what would have happened had we said something else, something that would have made everything better or changed how it would’ve happened. But you know what, all of those moments that we want to change even just a little bit were moments that we couldn’t have predicted even if we had tried. So maybe it’s time to just lay back and breathe and realize that whatever happened was bound to happen anyways regardless of how we handled it. Life happens, sometimes you just have to let it happen. 95% of the time, what we’re worried about is in the past or in the future, but at that moment we’re perfectly fine -we’re just thinking too hard. Life is 10% the hand you’re dealt and 90% how you react to it. Futures change and people fade, dream for tomorrow but live for today. This is me, this is all that’s I am, take it or leave it. Everything that has brought me this far has made me who I am, every mistake that I’ve made has shown me who I’m not -and it’s going to take me a very long time to become the person who I want to be. The same for you. Our background and circumstances influenced who we are, but we are still responsible for who we become. The happiest people in the world don’t have the best of everything, they just make the most of everything. So just roll with the punches, love the people that you’re with -and believe that everything happens for a reason.

Love,
Alice

Fathers be good to your daughters, for daughters turn into lovers who turn into mothers, so mothers be good to your daughters too.

Being a parent is tough stuff, I get that.  No I'm not a parent, and I don't plan to be until I've lived my life and can happily dedicate every single day to my child.  THEN, I will be a parent.  I don't ever want to resent the tiny human that I'm raising to be a respectable member of society.

Parents are slacking off, it's obvious, or the word "Swag" wouldn't be as popular of a word as it is today. Girls today have the sense to idolize the strong femininity of Marilyn Monroe but lack the courage to even try to emulate her humor, innocence or outlook on life.  Instead, they blend with their friends while they dress and act in a way that makes Record company CEOs produce songs that refer to them as "Bitchez and hos".  That is the general population of the fourteen to nineteen age bracket for young women today.  The ones who are strong and attractive and faithful in their own way? No one wants to talk about them, because they are quiet and deemed boring.  Girls desperately want the love and respect of a man but don't know how to get it or how they actually deserve to be treated -hence the term "Daddy issues".  They go looking for something, trying to prove a point, and should they loop a young man into their personal issues, they drag them down as well.  Generally the young men are five to ten years older than they are, and fighting against their natural inner needs because they genuinely want to make the poor girl feel better.  But it all goes down from there: Girl breaks up with guy, guy goes into downward tailspin, girl finds new guy who treats her badly, girl feels even lonelier, Dad still doesn't know why his daughter has problems and refuses to diagnose that it's actually all his fault.  Yes, it all leads back to the parents.

The same with men.  Mothers generally try to do the right thing, unlike men they are born with the need to take care of their children, a connection that takes a lot to break.  But about half of the women in the country fall into something that declines their motherly skills, whether it be drugs, alcohol, sex, money, partying, or even a seemingly got-it-all-together woman who puts her career before her family.  Their daughters will generally forgive them for their absence, and find their typical growing-up questions answered by Aunts, Grandmothers, friends or friends' moms. The girls become a little more loose, hoping for their mother's attention, but will still be okay.  The sons of these women? The majority of them have "Mommy issues" -which stem from the lack of, well, mothering.  Many women expect their sons to be more observant of their surrounding males, they expect them to be okay growing up and "do what boys do" and then suddenly expect them to become men while still treating them as though they are five.  These boys usually do not find a mentor, or if they do then it's usually too late.  They don't open up and ask questions, instead they follow their friend's lead -which generally means drugs, drinking, obscene language, inappropriate movies/t.v. shows/reading material, lack of respect for most adults and a harsh view of women.  I'm not saying that all boys who resent their mothers have these qualities, just that their mothers need to realize that they are in charge of their sons first direction in life and solely responsible for his set of morals and view of women.  Men who resent their mothers or who are forced to find their own way become players.  They are surrounded by a society that will raise them to be men of the world, whether through college or military or a strong work enviorment.  Their life is not in jeopardy, merely their character.  Most of these men occasionally pursue relationships but always assuming that the women will leave or cheat or use them.  The same with "daddy issue" girls, they all lack trust and faith in humanity. 

Children need love, they need attention, they need guidance.  I once heard a quote that suits the situation well: "When your children are young, listen to the little things that they say so that one day they will come to you with the big things. Why? Because in their mind, they were all big things." That saying rings true with many youth, because the need to feel needed starts very young.  They don't just need to be told what to do, they need to be shown an example.  Children love their parents, even when their parents screw up as they inevitably do.  Children begin to resent their parents when they feel like a burden, forgotten, unwanted, unimportant -that's when they look for the attention that they need elsewhere.

Clearly this does not apply to all families, there are many families that know what is important, whether their family consists of one parent or two, with one child or many.  Those children often don't see how lucky they are until they are seven and eight years old, when they develop a strong interest in not just their world, but the worlds of others. That's when they begin to realize how different all people live their lives.

Parenting is a hard, daunting task.  A task that leaves many parents frustrated and exhausted beyond repair.  It tears apart many marriages and ruins many careers, because it is a career in itself.  Simple things to teach their children are still things that need to be repeated constantly.  Fathers need to tell their daughters to respect themselves, to be happy, that one day they will meet someone, that they are beautiful and smart and can do anything.  These are things that girls need to hear from their fathers, because often times their fathers are their sole example that good men exist in the world. They need to spend time with them, teach them how to fish and take them out on daddy/daughter dates and all those things.  Mothers need to do the same things with their sons, to teach them to cook, to respect women, to stay clean, to tell them that they are handsome and smart and to do what is right and that they can do anything that they put their mind to.  Parents are almost completely responsible for their children's confidence for the first fifteen to twenty years of their lives.  It's vital that they start early.

I admire parents, I think that they are some of the toughest and most loving people on this planet.  And for as many sad and desperate youth as there are in the country, there are many more who's mothers and fathers have really gone the extra mile.  I hope when I'm finally a parent that my children will be proud of me one day, that I won't fall into the category of the parents who just never understand.  All we can do is try, and never stop trying.

Love,
Alice

Run like the wind.

What do you do when you wake up? When you get home from work? In that little slot of time that belongs to you and only you?  For me it usually includes coffee, blogging, facebook, about ten minutes of this little online city building game that I'm addicted to, browsing Pinterest, checking my e-mail, reading a book or any combination of those things.  Occasionally it involves breakfast, and about half of the week it involves a good workout and a run.

I used to never run, not even a little bit.  I would get winded and cranky and for a quarter of a mile and be done.  Then when I was fifteen, my buddy's Dad got drunk and started making fun of me for my inability to run (what I failed to realize at the time was how stupid that was, because neither could he.) but it upset me, to the point where I pushed myself and started really running.  Six months later I could run three seven-minute miles consecutively, I was constantly hungry and high on endorphins. Eventually I balanced it out and just ran as a workout, not to prove anything.  I had new reasons that I wanted to run...

For normal people, these reasons include stereotypical things like feeling the wind in your hair, feeling like you're running away from everything, imagining running trails in the mountain, ultimate inner peace, stuff like that.

Me? I like running, because I know it's good for me, not because it's enjoyable.  But what really comes to my mind when someone talks about running? Zombies.

Hear me out:
Of course I want to feel good in my skin, to regain energy, to inspire myself to be healthier.  But seriously, I come from a family of loud men, and my fiance is no exception.  We have a thing for watching Zombie television together, as twisted as it sounds, we get quite a kick out of it.  The Walking Dead, Zombieland, Shawn Of The Dead, you name it.  Every time I think of running on my treadmill (the hamster wheel, as it is affectionately known in my house) I think of that one scene in Zombieland where they list all of the rules and "Cardio" pops up as one of them.  And then that fat kid gets totally eaten alive by zombies.  I always thought that would be a horrible way to go, and when the apocalypse happens maybe I'll be able to outrun something that's trying to get me.  So while outrunning zombies is not the most important thing on my motivational list, it is the most memorable.

I hope that your reasons are more sane than mine, but if they aren't, at least you're still running!

Love,
Alice

One day down.

Whoohoo! I survived my first day of work at my new job! And I am exhausted.  It's not as though I was learning an entirely new skill set... just... a million new details.  On the upside, I now have a retirement plan, so that's cool.  Or it will be in thirty years when I collect from it.  It's crazy and stressful and more exciting than the job I have now, and hopefully I get good enough at it that I actually start to really enjoy it.  We shall see.

Not to be brief, but as I previously mentioned, I am exhausted.  And my brain just doesn't seem to like me right now, it hasn't forgiven me for taking it to work with me.  I'm going to have to bribe it to go back, maybe a triple espresso will do the trick... anyhow, I will speak to you tomorrow dearies.

Love,
Alice

Working for the weekend.

Tomorrow I start my new job! No, I'm not quitting my old job, I'm just working two jobs.  Not sure how awesome that's going to be yet, but it won't be the first time that I've worked two jobs at once, so I can do it!

The nice part is that my new job is something that I've never done before, but aparently they thought I was qualified to do it, because they hired me.  The scary part is... well, that I've never done it before.  I honestly have no idea of what to expect, just the fact that they have lots of ideas of what I could do with it.  So we shall see! I think I'm a little more excited than I am nervous... but they're battling it out in my head right now, nervousness may totally win by the end of the day.  Not sure yet.  And I have to find something to wear. Damn.

But that's the way life goes, and not knowing what to wear to my first day of my new job is a helluva lot better than wondering how I'm going to find the money to fill up my truck next week, so it's a problem I think I can live with.  It's a new step in my life, I don't know yet if it's a big step or not, but it is a change.  It's potentially a job that I could have for quite a while, so that's awesome, what with stability and all.

So we shall see... life changes all the time, and hopefully this will be a small change for the better! A little more money, a little more stuff to do, a little less stress, and a lot more prayer... so wish me luck!

Love,
Alice

Something old, something new...

As someone who's planning their own wedding, it's as exciting as it is exhausting.  On one hand, how amazing would it be to throw a party to celebrate with all of our friends and family -on the other hand, how much simpler would it be to simply buy a pretty dress and elope.  Viva Las Vegas anyone?

It's easy to get caught up in all of the ideas that you have, how you want everything to be, the colors, the food, the dress, the location, the ceremony, who's in the wedding party, who's invited.  But in the end, a lot of the details aren't going to matter.  You'll have pictures, memories, and a marriage -and you'll have that at whatever sized wedding you decide on, whether you elope or invite three hundred of your closest friends it's all the same at the end of the day.

I wasn't one of those little girls who played wedding with her barbies and had my princess wedding gown all planned out.  My barbies were spies and secret agents, and I thought dresses were simply a horrible invention.  Now of course, I have outgrown my "Dresses are evil and boys are icky" but I'm still left with the fact that I never imagined a dream wedding when I was a little girl.  The only thing that I knew I wanted was that it had to be outside, and I wouldn't wear white. It seems scandelous that I resent white, but I'm so freaking pale that if you knew me you would know just how bad of an idea it really is for me to wear white.  So I'm find something Ivory, champaigne or something like that and roll with it.

It's kind of crazy how nosey people get once you put a ring on it.  Some people are super crazy happy for you, some people want to hear about the proposal, some people only want to know if they're invited to the wedding, some people assume that you're pregnant and an unfortunetly large number of people are totally unsuportive.  Not like it's any of their business, but whatever. It's not up to them who I'm choosing to spend the rest of my life with, and I feel lucky; because he's my best friend.

It wasn't hard for my fiance and I to realize that we wanted a small wedding, nothing too fancy, just us and our closest friends and immidiate family, reguardless of what people think.  I have my three best friends as my bridesmaids, it'll probably be a glammed up barbeque with a pretty ceremony, and that's about all I know.  We sort of know where, but it almost doesn't matter to me, because I just want to be married.  At this rate I probably wouldn't care if I got married at city hall, because you don't need to wait for that.  I don't need a ballroom with a horse drawn carriage and a veil, I just need him.  If I got married barefoot in a sundress I would be okay with that.  The best piece of advice I've found? "It's a party, not a preformance.  If at the end of the day you are married to the one you love, then everything was a success!"

That sounds just about right to me.

Love,
Alice

P.S.
Want to see real love? Click the link below, it's as heartbreaking as it is inspiring. A love story in twenty two pictures.

http://www.buzzfeed.com/txblacklabel/true-love-in-pictures-only-28m7

Promo time.

This is a girl whom I met through a Christian event, she's incredibly talented, a creative photographer, and and wonderful daughter of Christ who spends much of her time traveling around the world on missionairy trips.  She is a true inspiration, and I urge you to read her blog:

http://adventuretimeforrex.wordpress.com/2012/09/18/a-brief-glimpse/?blogsub=confirming#subscribe-blog

Love,
Alixe