I must admit, I don't follow a large number of blogs. I think it's because I'm on the computer so much at work and then writing and music and being outside when I get home, that I just don't follow as many as I would like. However, this is the blog that inspired me to start one.
This blog is called Dear Mom, and it is written by a girl I met several years ago. She is truly an inspiration, and I urge you to read her blog from beginning to end:
http://loveyourbabydoll.blogspot.com/
Love,
Alice
Sunday, September 9, 2012
Saturday, September 8, 2012
Mentors
Food for thought: You become like the five people whom you spend the most time with. Interesting isn't it? For most children that means the habits of their parents and the tendencies of their best friends. For teenagers that generally means whatever group of friends you have. Or if you were as lucky/unlucky as I was, you might have also had a mentor.
I didn't plan on having one, but it did happen. I met her when I was fifteen, at a meeting. She was asking for volunteers for her therapeutic riding center (for those of you who don't know, that's where physically and mentally disabled people can learn to ride horses.) The next morning I called her and set up an interview and the rest was history. For more than two years I worked for her, volunteering the first year and then at sixteen years old I was making $12.50 per hour. That alone ruined me, I only went out for jobs where I made at least $12.50 per hour after that.
I loved that ranch. On normal days my mom would drive me out (I couldn't afford to get a license at the time) I would work for four hours or so, taking care of the horses, training them, riding them, cleaning stalls, cleaning tack, feeding them. Indulging my country girl lifestyle, being a real ranch hand. The other half of the time I was teaching the disabled children. It was amazing. My initial draw was for the horses, something I didn't have in my life but felt desperately drawn to. I ended up loving teaching this disable kids how to ride horses. Every day I taught two lessons, those were my students that I shared with another volunteer. Every lesson we groomed, trained and rode the horses. It was wonderful. Six years later I still have my old students come up to me and talk to me.
In the beginning I worked for four hours a day, three days a week. When summer took off, I would work ten to twelve hours a day, five or six days a week. Riding lessons, summer camps, field trips, pasture cleaning, everything. It became not just a place to be with horses and teach kids, but a place where my friends were as well. One of the staff members and I became very close, I eventually became friends with her brother as well. I reconnected with girl whom I was friends with when I was very young. My best friend at the time started coming out and volunteering with me, and I made two new friends who were my age -and many who were adults and older women. The other two girls I met are now two of my closest friends, one of them is the Maid of honor in my wedding, the other is a bridesmaid. Just imagine how different it all would be if I never made that phone call?
Back to that mentoring part; how could I not admire the woman who made all of this possible for me? Who ran a non profit business out of her own home and ranch to help these children? Who helped me and my friends to have not just a great work environment, but a new family. Not to say I was the only one who put her on a pedestal, but we did. She had what I envisioned to be the perfect life: She was married to an amazing guy, she had two awesome kids, she had a great ranch with a beautiful home that her husband built for them in the mountain and they always seemed happy. Everyone loved her, I wanted to be more like her. My job eventually worked into something much more, my mentor and I set up a club for the kids at the ranch, to come and have fun any time they liked. We were actually able to get a horse to rehabilitate with the kids to help give them a sense of accomplishment. I went with her everywhere to give speeches about what we were doing, to raise funds and awareness, to help these kids. The project gained enormous attention in the community for the two years that it ran, for the first year it was everything that we wanted it to be, but the second year everything started to change.
The ranch neighbors were complaining about the dust on the dirt road that everyone needed to take to get up to the ranch, the county got involved and two months later the ranch moved. The barn, the arena, the horses, everything went with us. The business was moved to a very public ranch next to a highway, it was loud and obnoxious. Our secluded hideaway of a ranch was gone, but we still had hope. We cleaned up the shack of a house for their family to live in, we ripped out dead vineyards, tilled ground, planted trees, rebuilt barns, built fences and pastures and arenas -essentially started from scratch and had the whole place up and running in a matter of weeks. We thought everything would go back to normal, but it didn't.
That summer, we got invited to go to a state horse event. An event that brought a third of the country's horse people and trainers all together in one place -an event that had contacted us and wanted us to be presenters. We were ecstatic! My mentor picked me and three other girls from the ranch to ride up with her and stay there for the weekend to help her take care of the three horses that we took and help give the presentations. It was on that weekend trip that we discovered that she was divorcing her husband. That he had already bought a new house and had taken the kids and moved out, and this all came about because her new boyfriend showed up at the event. The man who had donated four of our beautiful horses over the last two years, now we knew why he was so generous.
To a lot of people, divorce is no big deal. But to us, it was heartbreaking. This was the woman that could do it all, the woman who we all wanted to be, who had the ranch, the family, and the career that was making a difference. The woman who apparently was cheating on her husband. It hurts, to have a mentor ripped away from you like that. I was confused, not sure how I was suposed to react to the news. I knew that I didn't have all of the details, that it takes two people to come to a decision like that. But I also now knew that my mentor was not who I thought she was. She had lied to everybody, she had ripped her own family apart, and little did we know at that point, she had lost half of our funding for the disabled children's scholarships to ride at the ranch.
That weekend was the last weekend we truly had with her. Next Monday when we returned to the ranch, we discovered that the funding was gone. And she had hired three women to be our new bosses. Three evil women. One was tough, which wasn't an issue to us. Except that she was rough with our horses, and that wasn't okay. One was mean, and we all hated her. She knew nothing about horses and routinely put us, the horses, and the kids in danger with her ignorance. The other boss was fine, except that she was stupid. She didn't know anything and constantly forgot what to do. At the end of that month, we had lost over half of our employees. Lessons were cut short, kids weren't able to come for lessons anymore because their scholarships fell through, new employees were picked up from the local high school. Some of them were good, but most were there on community service requirements. My remaining coworkers and I spent the rest of the summer trying to clean up their mess. They were lazy, and one left the gate open one night. That night, four of our horses got out onto the highway and died. Because one person was lazy and didn't check the gate, four of my favorite horses we slaughtered by two big rigs. That next morning was awful With only eight of the original employees left, I gave my notice. My mentor wasn't even around anymore, if we were lucky we saw her maybe once of twice a week. Three of my friends had already quit, and the two who were left were considering it. But I wasn't waiting anymore, my dream was over.
It took a long time for me to be able to trust people again. In a way I don't really think I've recovered from that, because whenever I depend on someone to do a job with me I always assume that they're going to fail. Even if I like them and know them, I expect them to leave without finishing what they've started. Because my mentor lost everything by turning her back on people.
Now I have no mentor. I've decided that I don't need one. I'm an adult now, I talk to my parents if I need their advice, but I have friends who are struggling as I am and my hunny and I are doing fine figuring things out on our own. Life is in my own hands, and I know that I still want a ranch of my own, with a family and a house and horses. But I'll do it my way.
I ran into my old mentor a few days ago. It was like no time had passed, she was happy and chatty, she'd married her new boyfriend. The ranch had closed last year, there wasn't enough money or employees to keep going, and the landlord doubled the rent on the ranch. The only logical thing left to do for her was walk away. I was sad for her for a moment, but I know that's just a chapter in her life that's ended and she's on to the next. So we said goodbye, promised to get together and catch up over lunch sometime, and went our separate ways. I still pray for her, she is still very much a good person who's just made mistakes. I miss her, but I'm in a new chapter of my life now too. And there's no going back. The future is much brighter than everything we've had before, so I've moved on.
There are people out there who need mentors, who need to fill a hole in their life with someone who will guide them. To them I say good luck, but beware -because nobody's perfect.
Love,
Alice
I didn't plan on having one, but it did happen. I met her when I was fifteen, at a meeting. She was asking for volunteers for her therapeutic riding center (for those of you who don't know, that's where physically and mentally disabled people can learn to ride horses.) The next morning I called her and set up an interview and the rest was history. For more than two years I worked for her, volunteering the first year and then at sixteen years old I was making $12.50 per hour. That alone ruined me, I only went out for jobs where I made at least $12.50 per hour after that.
I loved that ranch. On normal days my mom would drive me out (I couldn't afford to get a license at the time) I would work for four hours or so, taking care of the horses, training them, riding them, cleaning stalls, cleaning tack, feeding them. Indulging my country girl lifestyle, being a real ranch hand. The other half of the time I was teaching the disabled children. It was amazing. My initial draw was for the horses, something I didn't have in my life but felt desperately drawn to. I ended up loving teaching this disable kids how to ride horses. Every day I taught two lessons, those were my students that I shared with another volunteer. Every lesson we groomed, trained and rode the horses. It was wonderful. Six years later I still have my old students come up to me and talk to me.
In the beginning I worked for four hours a day, three days a week. When summer took off, I would work ten to twelve hours a day, five or six days a week. Riding lessons, summer camps, field trips, pasture cleaning, everything. It became not just a place to be with horses and teach kids, but a place where my friends were as well. One of the staff members and I became very close, I eventually became friends with her brother as well. I reconnected with girl whom I was friends with when I was very young. My best friend at the time started coming out and volunteering with me, and I made two new friends who were my age -and many who were adults and older women. The other two girls I met are now two of my closest friends, one of them is the Maid of honor in my wedding, the other is a bridesmaid. Just imagine how different it all would be if I never made that phone call?
Back to that mentoring part; how could I not admire the woman who made all of this possible for me? Who ran a non profit business out of her own home and ranch to help these children? Who helped me and my friends to have not just a great work environment, but a new family. Not to say I was the only one who put her on a pedestal, but we did. She had what I envisioned to be the perfect life: She was married to an amazing guy, she had two awesome kids, she had a great ranch with a beautiful home that her husband built for them in the mountain and they always seemed happy. Everyone loved her, I wanted to be more like her. My job eventually worked into something much more, my mentor and I set up a club for the kids at the ranch, to come and have fun any time they liked. We were actually able to get a horse to rehabilitate with the kids to help give them a sense of accomplishment. I went with her everywhere to give speeches about what we were doing, to raise funds and awareness, to help these kids. The project gained enormous attention in the community for the two years that it ran, for the first year it was everything that we wanted it to be, but the second year everything started to change.
The ranch neighbors were complaining about the dust on the dirt road that everyone needed to take to get up to the ranch, the county got involved and two months later the ranch moved. The barn, the arena, the horses, everything went with us. The business was moved to a very public ranch next to a highway, it was loud and obnoxious. Our secluded hideaway of a ranch was gone, but we still had hope. We cleaned up the shack of a house for their family to live in, we ripped out dead vineyards, tilled ground, planted trees, rebuilt barns, built fences and pastures and arenas -essentially started from scratch and had the whole place up and running in a matter of weeks. We thought everything would go back to normal, but it didn't.
That summer, we got invited to go to a state horse event. An event that brought a third of the country's horse people and trainers all together in one place -an event that had contacted us and wanted us to be presenters. We were ecstatic! My mentor picked me and three other girls from the ranch to ride up with her and stay there for the weekend to help her take care of the three horses that we took and help give the presentations. It was on that weekend trip that we discovered that she was divorcing her husband. That he had already bought a new house and had taken the kids and moved out, and this all came about because her new boyfriend showed up at the event. The man who had donated four of our beautiful horses over the last two years, now we knew why he was so generous.
To a lot of people, divorce is no big deal. But to us, it was heartbreaking. This was the woman that could do it all, the woman who we all wanted to be, who had the ranch, the family, and the career that was making a difference. The woman who apparently was cheating on her husband. It hurts, to have a mentor ripped away from you like that. I was confused, not sure how I was suposed to react to the news. I knew that I didn't have all of the details, that it takes two people to come to a decision like that. But I also now knew that my mentor was not who I thought she was. She had lied to everybody, she had ripped her own family apart, and little did we know at that point, she had lost half of our funding for the disabled children's scholarships to ride at the ranch.
That weekend was the last weekend we truly had with her. Next Monday when we returned to the ranch, we discovered that the funding was gone. And she had hired three women to be our new bosses. Three evil women. One was tough, which wasn't an issue to us. Except that she was rough with our horses, and that wasn't okay. One was mean, and we all hated her. She knew nothing about horses and routinely put us, the horses, and the kids in danger with her ignorance. The other boss was fine, except that she was stupid. She didn't know anything and constantly forgot what to do. At the end of that month, we had lost over half of our employees. Lessons were cut short, kids weren't able to come for lessons anymore because their scholarships fell through, new employees were picked up from the local high school. Some of them were good, but most were there on community service requirements. My remaining coworkers and I spent the rest of the summer trying to clean up their mess. They were lazy, and one left the gate open one night. That night, four of our horses got out onto the highway and died. Because one person was lazy and didn't check the gate, four of my favorite horses we slaughtered by two big rigs. That next morning was awful With only eight of the original employees left, I gave my notice. My mentor wasn't even around anymore, if we were lucky we saw her maybe once of twice a week. Three of my friends had already quit, and the two who were left were considering it. But I wasn't waiting anymore, my dream was over.
It took a long time for me to be able to trust people again. In a way I don't really think I've recovered from that, because whenever I depend on someone to do a job with me I always assume that they're going to fail. Even if I like them and know them, I expect them to leave without finishing what they've started. Because my mentor lost everything by turning her back on people.
Now I have no mentor. I've decided that I don't need one. I'm an adult now, I talk to my parents if I need their advice, but I have friends who are struggling as I am and my hunny and I are doing fine figuring things out on our own. Life is in my own hands, and I know that I still want a ranch of my own, with a family and a house and horses. But I'll do it my way.
I ran into my old mentor a few days ago. It was like no time had passed, she was happy and chatty, she'd married her new boyfriend. The ranch had closed last year, there wasn't enough money or employees to keep going, and the landlord doubled the rent on the ranch. The only logical thing left to do for her was walk away. I was sad for her for a moment, but I know that's just a chapter in her life that's ended and she's on to the next. So we said goodbye, promised to get together and catch up over lunch sometime, and went our separate ways. I still pray for her, she is still very much a good person who's just made mistakes. I miss her, but I'm in a new chapter of my life now too. And there's no going back. The future is much brighter than everything we've had before, so I've moved on.
There are people out there who need mentors, who need to fill a hole in their life with someone who will guide them. To them I say good luck, but beware -because nobody's perfect.
Love,
Alice
Friday, September 7, 2012
Weekend.
September is moving forward and already my terrible weekend last week has moved from the front of my mind to the very back. Stupid, expensive trips to places that you didn't really want to visit anyways are never a good idea. Now I know; next time I'm bored I will just stay home! Facebook and Blogspot are much cheaper than other options. Craziness.
Anyhow, we shall see what this weekend brings. Hopefully I will get to visit one of my dearest friends, a nice, quiet, caffeine fille, venting-about-everything weekend with my besty. A weekend without getting invited to booze and crack filled orgies, won't that be nice? It's funny how your friends change, you grow up in a grey area and when you all graduate the grey becomes black and white and everyone splits down the middle. Doesn't mean I don't love and miss them, doesn't mean they're not my friends -it simply means that I will not be sharing my weekends with them anymore. But that's okay, because I have a few amazing friends whom I am truly blessed to have in my life. Friends that I can see staying in my life for a long time; being in my wedding, knowing my children, visiting over coffee about everything when we're in our forties and busy as hell. Those are the friends that you want, the friends who encourage you to be yourself and go for your dreams and accept your differences without dragging each other down. Not to say you can't drink and have a good time with them, just a different good time if you know what I mean.
The best part about this weekend? My only plan that I'm following is I'm hanging out with my besty. Other than that, we can do whatever the hell we want! It will be nice, or at least I hope it will! Here's hoping you have a lovely weekend too.
Love,
Alice
Anyhow, we shall see what this weekend brings. Hopefully I will get to visit one of my dearest friends, a nice, quiet, caffeine fille, venting-about-everything weekend with my besty. A weekend without getting invited to booze and crack filled orgies, won't that be nice? It's funny how your friends change, you grow up in a grey area and when you all graduate the grey becomes black and white and everyone splits down the middle. Doesn't mean I don't love and miss them, doesn't mean they're not my friends -it simply means that I will not be sharing my weekends with them anymore. But that's okay, because I have a few amazing friends whom I am truly blessed to have in my life. Friends that I can see staying in my life for a long time; being in my wedding, knowing my children, visiting over coffee about everything when we're in our forties and busy as hell. Those are the friends that you want, the friends who encourage you to be yourself and go for your dreams and accept your differences without dragging each other down. Not to say you can't drink and have a good time with them, just a different good time if you know what I mean.
The best part about this weekend? My only plan that I'm following is I'm hanging out with my besty. Other than that, we can do whatever the hell we want! It will be nice, or at least I hope it will! Here's hoping you have a lovely weekend too.
Love,
Alice
Thursday, September 6, 2012
Moments.
There is no such thing as a perfect reaction, I believe. There are moments that pass that you remember forever, but rarely because you had control over their perfection. The moment just happened that way. Or worse, you wish that you could have somehow fixed them, made them to have been perfect, to have gotten your point across in a more descriptive manor. The things you regret most are rarely the things that you've said, but rather the things that you kept inside when the moment needed to hear those words dearly. Those are the moments that you wish you could have changed. Somehow, we rarely find ourselves saying the perfect thing, unless of course we already had it planned out in our minds. But if you live on my planet, you already know that the best laid plans go astray. And that's just life, showing us once again that we can try as hard as we would like but we are not in control.
So the best thing that we can do is to just be honest, because those moments of imperfect honesty are what show our true character. For that is all we really are, strands of imperfection woven into a work of art that takes years upon years to complete. My work of art is nowhere near complete, and I'm alright with that. I know that I'm not perfect, I know that the honesty or dishonesty in which I react to a situation could very well change someone's opinion on me for life. But that's not about my character, that's my reputation. Something that none of us have control over. My character is who I am; a person of integrity, who has made mistakes, but has tried to make everything right despite the challenges that lay ahead. My reputation is how others depict what they have witnessed or heard; which is both fact and fiction. Sometimes through rumors I find out things that I never knew about myself before, because people are just that creative. They can call me what they want, it won't change who I am, only who they are.
So live your life with as much patience, joy, and honesty as you can. Live in the moment always, and without the fear of ruining it. And should your reputation proceed you, forgive the community and move forward, proving time and time again who you really are. Because in fifty years, the rumor mill won't remember the false things that it churned out about you -but the people who you made an impression on, the people who saw and appreciated your true character, you will live on in their hearts forever. So be strong, love much, and good luck.
Love,
Alice
So the best thing that we can do is to just be honest, because those moments of imperfect honesty are what show our true character. For that is all we really are, strands of imperfection woven into a work of art that takes years upon years to complete. My work of art is nowhere near complete, and I'm alright with that. I know that I'm not perfect, I know that the honesty or dishonesty in which I react to a situation could very well change someone's opinion on me for life. But that's not about my character, that's my reputation. Something that none of us have control over. My character is who I am; a person of integrity, who has made mistakes, but has tried to make everything right despite the challenges that lay ahead. My reputation is how others depict what they have witnessed or heard; which is both fact and fiction. Sometimes through rumors I find out things that I never knew about myself before, because people are just that creative. They can call me what they want, it won't change who I am, only who they are.
So live your life with as much patience, joy, and honesty as you can. Live in the moment always, and without the fear of ruining it. And should your reputation proceed you, forgive the community and move forward, proving time and time again who you really are. Because in fifty years, the rumor mill won't remember the false things that it churned out about you -but the people who you made an impression on, the people who saw and appreciated your true character, you will live on in their hearts forever. So be strong, love much, and good luck.
Love,
Alice
Amen.
I'm always amused when Athiests get offended by religious statements. Wether it be a cross, a billboard, a church fundraiser, a t-shirt or merely a faith inspired country music song. If you don't believe that something exhists and very clearly do not want anyone to chang eyour opinions, then why does something that you don't believe in and no one is asking you to believe in, offend you so much? You can tell me your theories all day long, at the end of the day you're still going to believe that you evolved from a monkey and I'm still going to believe that my life has a God given purpose.
Not that I believe that all churches are the same. Not that I believe that going to church automatically makes you a good person. Not that I believe that stating you believe in God and then not living as though you do means that you are all together. I just believe that everyone should be able to live their life as they please. I would rather live my life as God intended, obviously I fall short constantly. I am not perfect, I'm not going to tell anybody that they should be just like me, because I know I have more issues than a Cosmo subscription.
I'm not perfect, but neither are you. I don't care if you believe or not, I don't even care if you're a hypocrite. I just don't want to hear about it. I have friends who are Christians, who care a great deal about the people that are in their life, people who truly want to make a difference. I have friends who are Christians, read their bible every morning, get wasted every weekend, dress like whores and go to church every Sunday. I have athiest friends who are similar. Some try to be good people and some just don't care. I believe that there are some religions that are truly messed up, and if I see someone who thinks it's their religious duty to protest at a soldier's funeral, then I'm going to dislike them instantly. Not because it's a difference of opinion, but because I think it's wrong. It's one of the things that make me a little different from people who forgive easily. I'm not perfect, and I'm not above choosing sides. But it's not about religion, it's about your relationship with the creator. It's about how you see yourself. It's about who you strive to be, not who people think you are.
I don't care what you are, I'll treat you all the same. You're not my judge, so it doesn't matter what you think of me. The only thing that changes is wether or not I'm going to tell you that I'm praying for you or not. I'll only tell someone that I'm praying for them if I think that they need to hear it, if they need to feel like they're not in their issues alone. I believe that God is everyone's savior, I believe that he watches over me and has a place for me. And I believe that everyone has the oprotunity to find the faith, hope and love that I've found with God. Amen.
Love,
Alice
Not that I believe that all churches are the same. Not that I believe that going to church automatically makes you a good person. Not that I believe that stating you believe in God and then not living as though you do means that you are all together. I just believe that everyone should be able to live their life as they please. I would rather live my life as God intended, obviously I fall short constantly. I am not perfect, I'm not going to tell anybody that they should be just like me, because I know I have more issues than a Cosmo subscription.
I'm not perfect, but neither are you. I don't care if you believe or not, I don't even care if you're a hypocrite. I just don't want to hear about it. I have friends who are Christians, who care a great deal about the people that are in their life, people who truly want to make a difference. I have friends who are Christians, read their bible every morning, get wasted every weekend, dress like whores and go to church every Sunday. I have athiest friends who are similar. Some try to be good people and some just don't care. I believe that there are some religions that are truly messed up, and if I see someone who thinks it's their religious duty to protest at a soldier's funeral, then I'm going to dislike them instantly. Not because it's a difference of opinion, but because I think it's wrong. It's one of the things that make me a little different from people who forgive easily. I'm not perfect, and I'm not above choosing sides. But it's not about religion, it's about your relationship with the creator. It's about how you see yourself. It's about who you strive to be, not who people think you are.
I don't care what you are, I'll treat you all the same. You're not my judge, so it doesn't matter what you think of me. The only thing that changes is wether or not I'm going to tell you that I'm praying for you or not. I'll only tell someone that I'm praying for them if I think that they need to hear it, if they need to feel like they're not in their issues alone. I believe that God is everyone's savior, I believe that he watches over me and has a place for me. And I believe that everyone has the oprotunity to find the faith, hope and love that I've found with God. Amen.
Love,
Alice
Wednesday, September 5, 2012
Thank You.
Thank you…
To the ones who said no and therefore pushed me to prove them wrong
To the ones who told me to shut up and forced me to make myself be heard
To the ones who act in ways that remind me that the past can never be relived and it’s time to move on
To the ones who constantly prove to me that the future’s brighter than ever
To the ones who judged me wrong and gave me a second chance
To the ones who proved to me that people change
To the ones who proved to me that people don’t
To the ones who proved that life sucks sometimes
To the ones who remind me that life truly is amazing
To the ones who remind me that time is precious and can run out at any moment
To the ones who proved to me that distance doesn’t mean anything
To the ones who remind me that life is for the living and to live it up
To the ones who prove that you can’t see someone’s true colors on the surface
To the ones who forced me to realize what really matters in a personality
To the ones who left me and forced me to find my own way in the dark
To the ones who proved to me that fear is only in my mind
To the ones who remind me that rules are meant to be broken
To the ones who remind me that the only one who keeps you from spreading your wings and flying is you
To the ones who were there when I didn’t know I needed them
To the ones who I’ll never see again but helped me realize things about myself I never would’ve known otherwise
To the ones who lied to me, hurt me, sold my soul out from under me and proved that people can never be trusted and the only one I can’t depend on is me.
To the ones who stood by my side, made me laugh, listened to my thoughts and proved to me that some people can be trusted and showed me that I’m not in this alone.
Thank you for helping me to find out who I am and what I’m capable of.
Thank you for turning me into the person that I am.
Thank you for forcing me to be me.
Thank you for being you.
Love,
Alice
To the ones who said no and therefore pushed me to prove them wrong
To the ones who told me to shut up and forced me to make myself be heard
To the ones who act in ways that remind me that the past can never be relived and it’s time to move on
To the ones who constantly prove to me that the future’s brighter than ever
To the ones who judged me wrong and gave me a second chance
To the ones who proved to me that people change
To the ones who proved to me that people don’t
To the ones who proved that life sucks sometimes
To the ones who remind me that life truly is amazing
To the ones who remind me that time is precious and can run out at any moment
To the ones who proved to me that distance doesn’t mean anything
To the ones who remind me that life is for the living and to live it up
To the ones who prove that you can’t see someone’s true colors on the surface
To the ones who forced me to realize what really matters in a personality
To the ones who left me and forced me to find my own way in the dark
To the ones who proved to me that fear is only in my mind
To the ones who remind me that rules are meant to be broken
To the ones who remind me that the only one who keeps you from spreading your wings and flying is you
To the ones who were there when I didn’t know I needed them
To the ones who I’ll never see again but helped me realize things about myself I never would’ve known otherwise
To the ones who lied to me, hurt me, sold my soul out from under me and proved that people can never be trusted and the only one I can’t depend on is me.
To the ones who stood by my side, made me laugh, listened to my thoughts and proved to me that some people can be trusted and showed me that I’m not in this alone.
Thank you for helping me to find out who I am and what I’m capable of.
Thank you for turning me into the person that I am.
Thank you for forcing me to be me.
Thank you for being you.
Love,
Alice
Tuesday, September 4, 2012
Speedy Vermin.
Wake up. COFFEE. Drive. Work. Lunch. Drive. Work out. Chores. Dinner. Stay up late reading and watching movies. Repeat.
I don't know if I ever truly considered the meaning of the term "rat race" until I found myself in it. Now, I am a racing rat. A speedy vermin. Not working a lot, but working. And getting paid. And paying money where it's due. And then needing more money to keep the hamster wheel turning, which means I'm right back where I started Monday morning!
Now I don't dislike my job, that's not it at all. And I know that one day I will make enough that I will be far enough ahead that my place in the rat race will be much smaller. I'll be part time racing rat and part time cheerleader rat, cheering on my fellow rats to the finish line. While the government sits there in their labcoats and watches us race around the little Paycheck/401K/Morgage/Company shares/Insurance Policies/Home owning/Tax paying maze track that they've set up for us. Then we get to the end and they let us sit and get fat off of our retierment cheese and they tweak the race for the next generation. That is just not a very exciting concept.
So how do we respond? Very simply: We do not make our work our life. We wake up, go to work, clock in, spend the day doing whatever task we we've chosen to spend 20-40 hours a week doing, clock out, come home, and find fulfillment there instead of at work. Cook, read, play music, plan out the weekend -and then spend the weekend enjoying yourself in any way you please, knowing damn well that you've earned your weekend.
Not to say that work can't be enjoyable. People who choose careers that are perfect for them, is fantastic! Singers, Artists, Doctors, Teachers, Policemen, Fire Fighters, Tax Professionals, whatever they choose. The people that really do enjoy their job, have a very nice exhistance. And for that I applaud them! I enjoy my job, but I enjoy my off time much more. It gives me a chance to explore my interests, see my friends, and spend time with my hunny. And write of course. And who knows, maybe someday I'll become a published author, and then I can truly say that I love my work! I shall pray, and we shall see. But in the meantime, carry on my fellow rat racers!
Love,
Alice
I don't know if I ever truly considered the meaning of the term "rat race" until I found myself in it. Now, I am a racing rat. A speedy vermin. Not working a lot, but working. And getting paid. And paying money where it's due. And then needing more money to keep the hamster wheel turning, which means I'm right back where I started Monday morning!
Now I don't dislike my job, that's not it at all. And I know that one day I will make enough that I will be far enough ahead that my place in the rat race will be much smaller. I'll be part time racing rat and part time cheerleader rat, cheering on my fellow rats to the finish line. While the government sits there in their labcoats and watches us race around the little Paycheck/401K/Morgage/Company shares/Insurance Policies/Home owning/Tax paying maze track that they've set up for us. Then we get to the end and they let us sit and get fat off of our retierment cheese and they tweak the race for the next generation. That is just not a very exciting concept.
So how do we respond? Very simply: We do not make our work our life. We wake up, go to work, clock in, spend the day doing whatever task we we've chosen to spend 20-40 hours a week doing, clock out, come home, and find fulfillment there instead of at work. Cook, read, play music, plan out the weekend -and then spend the weekend enjoying yourself in any way you please, knowing damn well that you've earned your weekend.
Not to say that work can't be enjoyable. People who choose careers that are perfect for them, is fantastic! Singers, Artists, Doctors, Teachers, Policemen, Fire Fighters, Tax Professionals, whatever they choose. The people that really do enjoy their job, have a very nice exhistance. And for that I applaud them! I enjoy my job, but I enjoy my off time much more. It gives me a chance to explore my interests, see my friends, and spend time with my hunny. And write of course. And who knows, maybe someday I'll become a published author, and then I can truly say that I love my work! I shall pray, and we shall see. But in the meantime, carry on my fellow rat racers!
Love,
Alice
Monday, September 3, 2012
Pregolom.
Really. Seriously?
So here I am all excited that my blog is picking up viewership and whatnot, and that it's all coming through one site. And what is that site? A porn site. Nice. Porn sites have enough spam time on their hands to go and stalk my blog and screw up my viewership. Now to figure out how to get rid of it!!! Somehow I think I'll probably just spam the comments. Stupid porn. So disapointing, now I will ignore "Pregolom" and move on with my exciting blogger life.
Love,
Alice
So here I am all excited that my blog is picking up viewership and whatnot, and that it's all coming through one site. And what is that site? A porn site. Nice. Porn sites have enough spam time on their hands to go and stalk my blog and screw up my viewership. Now to figure out how to get rid of it!!! Somehow I think I'll probably just spam the comments. Stupid porn. So disapointing, now I will ignore "Pregolom" and move on with my exciting blogger life.
Love,
Alice
Wake me up when September ends.
It's been a tough week. All these memories that I've pushed away from this week three years ago. Three years ago I had possibly one of the worse weeks of my life. And it was exceedingly hard. I was betrayed, I lost my best friend of seven years and a close friend of eight years. Both probably could have been fixed somehow, but we were all broken. And it happened at my favorite place. A place that now I can't be at for more than a few hours without feeling nautous and irritated. Carnival lights used to be a place of total serenity to me, a perfectly awesome place to sit with friends and laugh and joke with. Animal barns used to be the ultimate vacation from everything, you could talk to anyone and feel totally at ease. Now I get dizzy, I get sick, I get angry, I feel flooded with memories. Some of the memories are good and amazing, and others stop you in your tracks. I loved that place while I grew up, from age nine to nineteen. But now, it's gone, dead to me. A place that I will never find the same joy out of ever again, thanks to one bitter girl and a bad conversation. Betrayel is a sucky thing. It makes you want to say horrible things to someone who you've always cared about.
These are things that I used to think about on a day to day basis. Things that cut me so deep I didn't want to go on with my life anymore. Things that now I don't think about every day, but maybe once a month. I'm only friends with one person who was in that situation now, and she's going to be a bridesmaid in my wedding. I don't know how we survived that, but we did. The others involved? Well, we're still friends on Facebook. Which, lets face it, is just the equivellant of "I just want to keep tabs on you so that we never end up in the same place at the same time" Kind of thing. There is no love there, no friendship. We all used to be so close, and then someone says things that they can't take back. And they are labeled Bitch for life.
I'm not a bitter person, I don't hold grudges. I get fed up with guys who don't try, I get fed up with girls that whine and take advantage of people, but I don't hold grudges. I've forgiven everyone who has hurt me, no matter how long it took to do it. I've strong enough to forgive them, but I will never be stupid enough to befriend them again. People who throw you under the bus once, will always be willing to do it again. Even if they grovel for you to forgive them, they will always save their own hide first. It's unfortunate, because they are good people. They are people that used to be my whole life, whom I cared about dearly. And I still wish them the best, I hope that they have a really great life. But I won't be in it.
I've discovered that some people come in a cycle of five years. they're in your life for five years, and then everything changes. It's hard, it sucks, and it's true. There are people that are truly good and care about you and will be around for a long time, but then there are people that you outgrow. The ones that still want to party while you actually want to have a life. The ones that want to spread rumours and trick guys into sleeping with them. People that you're better off without just because you don't need their issues that close to you anymore.
People change, but not always for the better. Change is hard to react to reguardless of if it's good or bad. But change will never stop. It's life, it happens, you deal with it. You cry and you hurt and you take down those pictures and put them away, and then you move on. And every now and then you have a tiny breakdown like I do, because you remember all of the good things that those people were and how much they meant to you. And then you remember all of the pain that you went through when it ended. Then you go on with your life. Because where you are now, that's where you're suposed to be. And if you're hurting, just know that it's not the end. You're just passing through, you won't be there for long. Even if it feels like it. Stay strong.
Love,
Alice
These are things that I used to think about on a day to day basis. Things that cut me so deep I didn't want to go on with my life anymore. Things that now I don't think about every day, but maybe once a month. I'm only friends with one person who was in that situation now, and she's going to be a bridesmaid in my wedding. I don't know how we survived that, but we did. The others involved? Well, we're still friends on Facebook. Which, lets face it, is just the equivellant of "I just want to keep tabs on you so that we never end up in the same place at the same time" Kind of thing. There is no love there, no friendship. We all used to be so close, and then someone says things that they can't take back. And they are labeled Bitch for life.
I'm not a bitter person, I don't hold grudges. I get fed up with guys who don't try, I get fed up with girls that whine and take advantage of people, but I don't hold grudges. I've forgiven everyone who has hurt me, no matter how long it took to do it. I've strong enough to forgive them, but I will never be stupid enough to befriend them again. People who throw you under the bus once, will always be willing to do it again. Even if they grovel for you to forgive them, they will always save their own hide first. It's unfortunate, because they are good people. They are people that used to be my whole life, whom I cared about dearly. And I still wish them the best, I hope that they have a really great life. But I won't be in it.
I've discovered that some people come in a cycle of five years. they're in your life for five years, and then everything changes. It's hard, it sucks, and it's true. There are people that are truly good and care about you and will be around for a long time, but then there are people that you outgrow. The ones that still want to party while you actually want to have a life. The ones that want to spread rumours and trick guys into sleeping with them. People that you're better off without just because you don't need their issues that close to you anymore.
People change, but not always for the better. Change is hard to react to reguardless of if it's good or bad. But change will never stop. It's life, it happens, you deal with it. You cry and you hurt and you take down those pictures and put them away, and then you move on. And every now and then you have a tiny breakdown like I do, because you remember all of the good things that those people were and how much they meant to you. And then you remember all of the pain that you went through when it ended. Then you go on with your life. Because where you are now, that's where you're suposed to be. And if you're hurting, just know that it's not the end. You're just passing through, you won't be there for long. Even if it feels like it. Stay strong.
Love,
Alice
Sunday, September 2, 2012
Before I Die
So I have this theory, that I think I actually stole from my Dad, that if you write something down where you have the ability to cross it off that you are more likely to actually do it. So here I have written a list of nearly everything I'd like to do in my life that comes to mind. Apparently I want to be very busy.
1. Go on a road trip all over the USA
2. Ride horses on the beach [CHECK]
3. Go to Hawaii
4. Have a ranch
5. Fall in love [CHECK]
6. Get a tattoo
7. Stay outside watching stars all night
8. Get married
9. Go to Vegas [CHECK]
10. Go 4-wheeling [CHECK]
11. Be in a recording studio
12. Learn to surf
13. See Broadway [CHECK!!!!!!!]
14. Stay in the rain all day
15. Go to Portugal
16. Publish a book
17. Go to Australia
18. Dye my hair blue
19. Go off-roading [CHECK]
20. Wear dresses all the time [CHECK]
21. Go to a swimming hole with a waterfall [CHECK]
22. Put feathers in my hair [CHECK]
23. Spend a day walking around San Francisco
24. Read robin hood
25. Design clothes
26. Learn to play the drums
27. Learn to play the piano better
28. Create a book of all my favorite pictures
29. Make friends with everybody
30. kissed in the rain [CHECK]
31. Learn to trust people again
32. buy a house
33. Raise a family
34. Have a horse
35. keep a journal
36. Stay in touch with my 4-H friends [CHECK]
37. Only buy jeans that I love
38. See 3 doors down in concert
39. See Bon Jovi in concert [CHECK]
40. See Daughtry in concert
41. Go to a bar
42. Have a German Sheppard
43. Have a Husky :)
44. Cover my guitar case in stickers
45. Take pictures of everything
46. Keep in touch with friends I don’t always get to see [CHECK]
47. Wear crazy makeup and act like its normal
48. spend a week at the beach
49. Paint my nails black [CHECK]
50. Listen to every kind of music there is [CHECK]
51. Be in a band
52. Get somebodys autograph
53. Go clubbing
54. Go on an overnight trail ride
55. Not care what mean people think
56. Appreciate the small things
57. Ride on a plane [CHECK]
58. Go to New York[CHECK]
59. Save $1,000 [CHECK]
60. Buy a lottery ticket
61. Win an award [CHECK]
62. Learn to drive a stick shift
63. Learn forgiveness
64. spend a week in L.A.
65. Go to a drive-in [CHECK]
66. Go snorkeling
67. Go on a bareback trail ride [CHECK]
68. Buy crazy shoes
69. Go on a cruise
70. Finish a story
1. Go on a road trip all over the USA
2. Ride horses on the beach [CHECK]
3. Go to Hawaii
4. Have a ranch
5. Fall in love [CHECK]
6. Get a tattoo
7. Stay outside watching stars all night
8. Get married
9. Go to Vegas [CHECK]
10. Go 4-wheeling [CHECK]
11. Be in a recording studio
12. Learn to surf
13. See Broadway [CHECK!!!!!!!]
14. Stay in the rain all day
15. Go to Portugal
16. Publish a book
17. Go to Australia
18. Dye my hair blue
19. Go off-roading [CHECK]
20. Wear dresses all the time [CHECK]
21. Go to a swimming hole with a waterfall [CHECK]
22. Put feathers in my hair [CHECK]
23. Spend a day walking around San Francisco
24. Read robin hood
25. Design clothes
26. Learn to play the drums
27. Learn to play the piano better
28. Create a book of all my favorite pictures
29. Make friends with everybody
30. kissed in the rain [CHECK]
31. Learn to trust people again
32. buy a house
33. Raise a family
34. Have a horse
35. keep a journal
36. Stay in touch with my 4-H friends [CHECK]
37. Only buy jeans that I love
38. See 3 doors down in concert
39. See Bon Jovi in concert [CHECK]
40. See Daughtry in concert
41. Go to a bar
42. Have a German Sheppard
43. Have a Husky :)
44. Cover my guitar case in stickers
45. Take pictures of everything
46. Keep in touch with friends I don’t always get to see [CHECK]
47. Wear crazy makeup and act like its normal
48. spend a week at the beach
49. Paint my nails black [CHECK]
50. Listen to every kind of music there is [CHECK]
51. Be in a band
52. Get somebodys autograph
53. Go clubbing
54. Go on an overnight trail ride
55. Not care what mean people think
56. Appreciate the small things
57. Ride on a plane [CHECK]
58. Go to New York[CHECK]
59. Save $1,000 [CHECK]
60. Buy a lottery ticket
61. Win an award [CHECK]
62. Learn to drive a stick shift
63. Learn forgiveness
64. spend a week in L.A.
65. Go to a drive-in [CHECK]
66. Go snorkeling
67. Go on a bareback trail ride [CHECK]
68. Buy crazy shoes
69. Go on a cruise
70. Finish a story
71. Have a job I love
72. Get into professional photography
So we will see just how many things I can check off, and I encourage you to make a list too. It's healthy, even if it's a little disheartening at first to realize all these things that you have not done yet. But it is good! So take a step forward in a positive way, and make a list of everything that YOU want to do before you die. Preferably before you're old and frail. When you can afford to do anything you want but can't get out of a wheelchair. That would suck. So hop to it!
Love,
Alice
Saturday, September 1, 2012
Hello.
Occasionally I wonder if anyone actually reads my blog, or if I'm merely spilling my randomness to a blank stratosphere. And God of course. I don't know if you believe in God, but I do. He believes in me, there's been times where I know for a fact that he's the only one who believes in me. That no matter what happens, he'll keep watching over me and if I work hard then I'll hopefully stay on the path that he's laid out for me. So in the meantime, I pray a lot. I talk to God multiple times a day. I don't go to church as often as I should, but I like to think that I still keep the Lord on my mind always.
It's funny, you'd think for as much as I've been involved in my community over the last ten years, I'd have found a church that really suits me. But alas, that is not the case. It's not that I don't like church, it's just that I often feel judged by those who surround me while I'm there. In my mind, church is a hospital for sinners, not a museum for saints. But still, I don't want to go and worship and worry about any hypocritical remarks. I want to worship. And I can do that just as peacefully every morning at home as I can in church.
I wonder if I'm alone in this thought, maybe I'm the only one who doesn't always enjoy church. Ah well, people are people. Now that it's half way through the weekend, happy Saturday! I'm going to spend mine at the County Fair with my hunny. Yay for demolition derbies! And seeing friends show their animals. Always brings back old 4-H memories.
May the rest of your weekend be peaceful and relaxing. May the 1st of September be a fabulous start to a fabulous Autumn, And may you be one step closer to God than I and actually attend church this Sunday.
Love,
Alice
It's funny, you'd think for as much as I've been involved in my community over the last ten years, I'd have found a church that really suits me. But alas, that is not the case. It's not that I don't like church, it's just that I often feel judged by those who surround me while I'm there. In my mind, church is a hospital for sinners, not a museum for saints. But still, I don't want to go and worship and worry about any hypocritical remarks. I want to worship. And I can do that just as peacefully every morning at home as I can in church.
I wonder if I'm alone in this thought, maybe I'm the only one who doesn't always enjoy church. Ah well, people are people. Now that it's half way through the weekend, happy Saturday! I'm going to spend mine at the County Fair with my hunny. Yay for demolition derbies! And seeing friends show their animals. Always brings back old 4-H memories.
May the rest of your weekend be peaceful and relaxing. May the 1st of September be a fabulous start to a fabulous Autumn, And may you be one step closer to God than I and actually attend church this Sunday.
Love,
Alice
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