So close...

I feel like I only write when something exciting happens, or some big change, or when I'm waiting for some big change... so monthly. And maybe that's ok. Maybe this is my blog of only big things, or things that seem big at the time.

I feel like this post falls into both categories.

Two days ago I was chilling out with my friend after a miserable week of exhaustion and miscommunication, eating veggies and watching the office on Netflix, talking about moving forward and learning to be optimistic. And bitching.  Just a little. then she asks me "hey, we're really short staffed at my new job and she asked me if I knew anyone who wanted a job and I said maybe you, do you want a job interview tomorrow morning?"

So I thought about it, over the next 3 episodes of the office, randomly asking her questions about it in between joking about the shows characters and writing fifty million drafts of my wedding vows.

Long story short, at about 11:00pm, I decided to take the interview. At 8am the next morning I followed my friend down to her new job and had a fantastic job interview. It somehow turned from "tell me about yourself" into "let me show you how to do it."

I got out of the interview with barely enough time to make it to one of my jobs (the one I like) and she called me about 20 minutes later, offering me a position, a start date, and more money than she originally said the position would start at. And it works in with my favorite job's schedule! So I accepted the position and wrote my resignation letter to my other job that night.

And of course this morning I find myself wondering if I made the right choice, what if my new job sucks, what if this was the better job, what if what if what if...

Then I pour the first cup of coffee for the first customer of the day.

Nope. I made the right choice. 34 hoursto go. 7 work days left here and counting.

Plus, today marks the one month countdown to my wedding :) two years in the making, and in a month I will have a tiny vacation, a new last name, and an amazing husband. We're not through this minefield yet, but I can see over the hill.

And it's fantastic.

Love,
Alice

So close...

I feel like I only write when something exciting happens, or some big change, or when I'm waiting for some big change... so monthly. And maybe that's ok. Maybe this is my blog of only big things, or things that seem big at the time.

I feel like this post falls into both categories.

Two days ago I was chilling out with my friend after a miserable week of exhaustion and miscommunication, eating veggies and watching the office on Netflix, talking about moving forward and learning to be optimistic. And bitching.  Just a little. then she asks me "hey, we're really short staffed at my new job and she asked me if I knew anyone who wanted a job and I said maybe you, do you want a job interview tomorrow morning?"

So I thought about it, over the next 3 episodes of the office, randomly asking her questions about it in between joking about the shows characters and writing fifty million drafts of my wedding vows.

Long story short, at about 11:00pm, I decided to take the interview. At 8am the next morning I followed my friend down to her new job and had a fantastic job interview. It somehow turned from "tell me about yourself" into "let me show you how to do it."

I got out of the interview with barely enough time to make it to one of my jobs (the one I like) and she called me about 20 minutes later, offering me a position, a start date, and more money than she originally said the position would start at. And it works in with my favorite job's schedule! So I accepted the position and wrote my resignation letter to my other job that night.

And of course this morning I find myself wondering if I made the right choice, what if my new job sucks, what if this was the better job, what if what if what if...

Then I pour the first cup of coffee for the first customer of the day.

Nope. I made the right choice. 34 hoursto go. 7 work days left here and counting.

Plus, today marks the one month countdown to my wedding :) two years in the making, and in a month I will have a tiny vacation, a new last name, and an amazing husband. We're not through this minefield yet, but I can see over the hill.

And it's fantastic.

Love,
Alice

Gives you Hell

Fridays always give me hell. 5am, first full shift at one job, 11:30am, next full shift at the next job. Thank god they both offer caffeine. If only it came in iv form.

I literally have no days of for the next month or more. It's so hard to work a full time job, a part time job, and run a business. And plan a wedding. And actually edit images for your business. And study for your full time job. And actually get shit done in putting your wedding together. I know everything will be ok, but it feels like what I want doesn't actually matter. Like I'm the main event that everyone wants to make what they want, as opposed to me just inviting people to my event.

It's exhausting. I can't wait till this summer when all I have to do is work. Just work. Work, move out, be married, edit my heart out. This wedding had absorbed the last 22 months of my life, and people are just now starting to tell me to take their thoughts into consideration... I'm so tired.

Let me be married and sleep!

Love
Alice

Lord give me coffee to change what I can, and whiskey to deal with what I can't.

I'm so tired.

I'm at an exhausting point in my life,.putting all my effort into moving forward, but seeing no change. Working six to seven days a week, trying to become proficient at one job and certified in the other. Trying to make time to expand and dedicate my efforts to my one dream job, and failing. Trying desperately to create art that means something, and to bring in New clients so that I can still call it a business. Trying to figure out my next move and my next purchase, but also trying to save up for a wedding -and to not have a wedding that looks thrown together and cheap. It's exhausting.

I'm watching these people who only make coffee and love it, and think that I don't have time to love what I do.

I'm watching these people run their tax practices and be fantastic at it, and think that I don't know if I could ever profit from running a business like them. That all of the knowledge I've gathered so far might not even be worth anything to anyone. That maybe I need a new career that pays the bills. A hard thought to swallow when up till a few months ago, I never even wanted any career. And desperately loved this job.

I'm watching other people who are also photographers thrive and throw money at their business, opening up studios, buying thousands of dollars worth of lens and New camera parts. Oh how I wish I had the money to do things like that. To buy whatever I thought might work. Instead I buy a new photography focus book, read the whole thing cover to cover ten times, and absorb everything. Because absorbing knowledge is free. I so wish that someday I could create my outdoor home studio, with all of the pieces that I love to work with. With props and indoor lighting and perfect lenses. If I had the time and money, I could be the photographer I so long to be.

And the wedding. For the first time since I got engaged, the wedding is stressing me out. I'm getting married in two months. Another thing that's soaking up all of my time, money, and efforts. To work with the right people, to spend a decent but carefully executed amount of money. To make it look special, but not like every other white wedding anyone has ever been to. To look perfect. To write perfect vows. To invite the right people. Some days I just don't want to think about it.

I have jobs that soak up all my time, a wedding that's soaking up all my money, and the hopes that when it's all over, I can reboot my business and truly create a career where I can turn dreams into something so special. I can't let it sit, even though I feel showed up in every category.

And these are just my problems. Just a few of my problems. Not even including the problems that my soon to be husband is dealing with. He had his own slew of things that he's dealing with, and all of our issues combined affect both of us. Terribly. We have so many priorities, and photography just can't seem to make it to the top of mine. I feel awful. I wake up feeling exhausted. And now here I am, off to work again.

Pray for me.

Love,
Alice

Longing.

Today I am full of longing.

For the ocean.
For the water.
For standing in the waves.
For sand that never seems to go away.
For the shorts and sweatshirts.
For the wind that whips your hair and numbs your face.
For warm hugs.
For hot chocolate.
For cliff climbing.
For my camera.
For editing.
For perfect messy moments.
For enough money to get there.
For time.

Oh for time...

I hope you find some, and share it with someone.

Love,
Alice

Done.

I'm done.

Done with the irritation, the lies said about me, the idiot rumors and watching my best friend stress over something that she didn't even do. Enough. It's simple, leave us alone. Go away. We don't want you in our life, you ruined everything we ever had and we can't possibly care about you ever again. We've moved on, it's time you move on too.

Love,
Alice

She is clothed in strength and dignity and she laughs without fear of the future.

That is me now. Or at least, who I try to be.

Because that's all I can ever try to be: Strong, dignified and fearless. Because by being those things, all other good things will follow. All I can ever do is stand up for myself, live with integrity, and trust God.  Because he will provide.  And all will be okay.

And it doesn't matter what other people say, because it's you that matter.  God put you on this earth for a reason and the fact that you are breathing is proof that you are wonderful and amazing that that you have great purpose in this world, to make a difference in people's lives.

Be the change you want to see in the world.  Be strong.  Be dignified.  Be fearless.

Because if you live in fear, shameful and weak, you can't accomplish anything for yourself or others.  Reach your hand out, and someone will help you.  Then maybe when you are okay, you can reach out to someone who needs you.

Love,
Alice

Relief.

I feel like it's back.

Peace. Harmony. The knowledge that everything is going to actually be okay.

This year, my New Year's Resolution was to clean up my life. Not that it was super dirty, but it was dusty.  Dust particles made up of desperation, sadness, loss, change, friends who lie about other friends, and friends who were just poisonous in general.

Now it's gone.  Gone with the attitude of depression, when I can continue to try to get everything back together one day at a time.  To strive to be better and do better, to work hard every day in every way -in doing my job, in studying for a better job, in exploring the things that I am truly passionate about, and in bettering my friendships.

I am saving my money, paying off my credit card, being as thrifty as possible in planning out my dream wedding, which is looking more and more like a reality; a special, vintage-chic celebration with only the closest and most important people in my life.

I am repairing my Faith.  I'm not going to lie, I've had a lot of resentment this year, not being trusting in my future, not listening when it was time to walk away and getting in too deep, not believing that everything would be okay when clearly everything was going to be okay. Because the time has passed, and I am still here, and it's all okay.

I've ignored every fiber of my body that hates confrontation and actually acted on my feelings. I solved conflict at work, removed toxic people from my life, and am happy with where I am.  I have my best friend in the world whom I would do just about anything for, I have my couple friend with whom my fiance and I love hanging out with together and can see ourselves building a life alongside, I have my longtime friend who loves reminiscing with me when our paths cross again, I have my social friend, who I see at work and go out to do strictly fun things with, and I have my brother friends -whom I have grown up with and always love to see them when I can. That's all I need.  Those are my people. There is no drama, there is no sadness, there is strength in hard times and laughter constantly. They are the people who I picture when I see where I am in ten years. My family outside of my family. Because people matter, and you have to treat them like they matter and like their thoughts matter -because NO ONE likes the one friend who doesn't listen or care. The one who shoves their thoughts and "happiness" in everyone's faces without asking about their lives. The one who is offended and shocked by anything negative, causes drama, and complains loudly when their friends drop them one by one. Until they are alone. Maybe they will make new friends, but I don't need to worry about that. Because my life is free of toxic people.

I am almost certified to build a business that excited me and makes me feel important, and am already deep in continuing to grow a business that I love and that is passionate and beautiful. Something that I can do every week and love all of it. It's challenging, but nothing great in life comes easy, and I can't forget that.  Everything in life worth having is worth working for and protecting. And that's just what I plan on doing.

I am happy now.  Maybe not super happy, but hopeful.  Things will be okay. The lord will provide.  He will watch over my Fiance', friends and I. We will survive, and all will be okay. No more toxins. Just life.

Beautiful life.

Love,
Alice

People.

Not to turn this into a wedding bitch blog, but seriously, wedding guest list are the single hardest part of throwing a wedding. All in the name of who to not offend. Not that anyone cares what I think. Do I really want my deranged great aunt there? Or the annoying little girl who does nothing but insult my religion every time she sees me? Or the old friend who I can't NOT invite because that would be more painful than not inviting her? It's so much more confusing than I thought it would be.

There are so many insane wants that get confused as needs when wedding planning. Seriously.

I don't need a million people.
I don't need an isle runner.
I don't need a fancy hall.
I don't need real flowers.
I don't need a ball gown.
I don't need a lot of things.

I need my fiance.
My Parents.
My brothers.
My sister's.
My close friends.
A pretty dress.
A preacher.
Some food.
Some music.
Some pictures to remember it all.

That's it.

It all seems so complicated. And it's driving me nuts. And I just want to be happy.

Sigh.

Goodnight everybody.

Love,
Alice

Craziness

It's been a while.

It's been busy, things have been crazy.  I've been wedding planning, like in the actual sense.  The nice part is that I've decided to only have a tiny amount of people there. People that are here right now, people that are family.  I realized that as much as I want a "wedding", I want a tiny, intimate wedding more. I want to sit around a bonfire pit in my dress and relax and tell stories and drink coffee and sing and dance and not care about what the wedding industry thinks I should have.  So that part is becoming crazier because it's actually happening, after a year and a half of being engaged it's finally happening.

The other part is my newest job.  I've been there for about a month, I am now an actual barista. I make espresso, mix drinks, blend stuff together, all that jazz. The actual job is fun, it's a lot of girls working together in a small space, but it's fun.  I don't know what I think about management. Not the manager, but the owner.   We shall have to see.

Also, I'm considering moving my blog to Wordpress. I think I might like the format better. If that's the case, I will let you know ;)

Plus, lots of editing, lots of people in my life going through crazy things - moving away, buying houses, getting engaged, getting married, having children, dealing with parents dying, dealing with issues, going to school, all the crazy.  It gets overwhelming at times.  I feel like I either don't have friends, or I get completely emotionally attached to their personal issues.  I want to help...

Anyhow, I hope that your Thanksgiving was lovely.  Mine was bittersweet.  It was the first time that my fiance and my brother's girlfriend had ever been to my grandparent's house, and the first time that we celebrated a holiday there since my granddad died last year.  It was nice, but painfully sad.  I miss him so much. I wish that my fiance could have met him, if I could change one thing in my life, that would be it.

I'm tired.  And I have to finish editing for a client. And then I have to go to work. And then I have to go work out. And then I can go to bed and start over tomorrow.

Have a great day lovies.

Love, Alice

Thrive.

I have never in my life wanted to be the blonde blue eyes popular girl. I have been irritated by them, shunned by them, and occupational befriended by them, but never have I said if only I looked like her. If only I acted like her. If only I was her.

Never.

I wanted to be an artist, a cowgirl, a veterinarian, a musician, a singer, a photographer, a writer, a dreamer, a lover, a wild child. I wanted to be the girl with the crazy hair who traveled the world, who wore whatever she wanted and felt great all the time.

Life is funny that way.

I got some of what I wanted, never all, but some. I play guitar, I sing, I write when I have the time, I dream constantly, I photograph everything, I live.  I try to live freer than those around me, even if I'm not as free as I wish I was. What they don't tell you as a child is how hard it is to make a living while dreaming your dreams.

Luckily my parents always told me I could be whatever I wanted as long as I prepared myself. So I've done my best to take my strengths and make them profitable while exploring all of my fantasies.

While all of my friends are choosing careers or marriage or schools, I'm trying my best to not choose. I want to go through life with my best friend, my husband, working hard to make it dreams come true, to only have children when I've seen enough of the world that I can show them how to thrive by the Grace of God. I don't desire to have a degree, or the debt that comes with it. A high and mighty career, with the time constraints that chimes with it, or a marriage that loses its meaning somewhere between the two. I want love, and life, and enough money to make ends meet without worrying about what it not we have enough extra to buy new shoes when we need it.

I want to thank God that I have just enough, even if that's all. I want to be happy, I want to be free. I want to be me.

Love,
Alice