Well, I made it 15 days into the new year before I had an exhausting "Why-don't-things-happen-faster" breakdown. I'm really hoping that impatience is something that I outgrow, but at the rate that I look forward to things, I'm thinking not.
If anything, all of the new changes in 2013 have forced me to get some better perspective. People don't always agree, things aren't always easy, some jobs are better than others, among other things. These are all things I find myself working through this week, and it's a little tougher than it normally is.
I've found myself disagreeing with my best friend on some fundamental issues, nothing detrimental to our friendship, but important things none the less. Things that I'm basing my life on and striving for, while she rejects and denies. Things that won't drive us apart, but won't necessarily bring us closer.
I'm struggling to make ends meet and to keep people happy, to feel good about myself a midst a world that forces me to over analyze and criticize every aspect of myself, and to persevere All of these things seem more and more difficult this week, and I'm hoping that that changes soon.
My newest job is exciting and crazy, regardless of hangups, it's given me more purpose in a work environment than I've had in many many months. The pay is very good, the hours are crap, the work is hard, but it's all very rewarding. Then there's my other job that I just can't seem to shake. I job that I've never been able to figure out how to ask for a raise, a job that drives me insane and has so little purpose that I often wonder why they don't fire me. Because if I was my boss, I would set aside a few hours a week and just do my freaking job. Not higher somebody. But I'm not my boss. I am my boss's employee. And I work flexible hours for crap pay in a crowded office next to screaming children. I wonder every single morning why I don't quit, but I suck it up and drag my ass in to work. One thing's for sure, this is a job I will never miss.
Never. There are people who say "never say never" -but those people never had this job. If you want to feel completely useless, you've got it.
So here I am, saving money like a boss. Praying and hoping and working hard to get ahead. Stressing over things I can't control. Trying like hell to be a professional young working class citizen. Wish me luck.
Love,
Alice
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