Just keep praying...

Today is the first time in a while I'm... hurting. Not like I have been... but how I was three years ago. Pain in my chest worry and hurt and fearful.  Are things going to work out? Am I making the right choices? Do I need to go to school? Do I need to get a government job? Worries that I've been praying for and praying for, are suddenly overwhelmingly terrifying.  My chest hurts, I feel scared... I just want to be okay. I feel like my Faith is slipping, and that I'm not good enough. Like everyone else has found better people to talk to and I'm sitting here wondering why all of the people whom I've picked up and carried through their pain and darkness have all abandoned me. I just need to keep praying..... keep moving forward... and leaving behind the people who've left me.

Love,
Alice

Poor little lovebirds.

Why do girls get hung up on guys who are bad for them? Seriously. I am a girl, and I've been that girl, and I got out, and I still don't freaking get it.  He doesn't trust you, he isn't nice to you, he doesn't respect you, and then when you finally think that you're going to leave, he brings out the roses, takes you to dinner and makes you laugh. "Of course I love him, why can't he be like this all the time, no one else is going to love me, I guess it's not that bad, okay I'll stay." Yeah, because that makes sense.  When you see your friends going through this crap, it all seems so clear to you. "Dump him! Leave his sorry ass! He's crushing your dreams and making you feel like you're worthless! It's not true! Just get away!" Yeah, that's what you tell your friend.  To not let a man hold her back.  But what about you? I've watched my friends go through this, I've watched them tell each other to get out, or that they're crazy, I've seen it all go downhill.  It doesn't make sense.

It all comes down to self worth, but you can't run from yourself.  You'll be with someone lame if you don't like yourself.  You'll marry the first guy who makes you feel special if you don't pay any attention to it.  Getting out of a bad relationship will either crush you or liberate you.  The crushed ones slowly drag themselves back up, see what was really going on, and move forward.  The liberated ones find somebody new, and start making stupid decisions right away.  Relationships are tricky.

I think that my favorite way that I've heard it was in the book "The five love languages".  Many variations of that book, all good, nay, fantastic.  Love them.  Anyhow, in the book it explains that during the first 6 months of any relationship is called the honeymoon phase (as if we all didn't already know that!) and in the honeymoon phase, you do not make ANY rash decisions.  Because you are in a state of euphoric obsession, of which your partner can do no wrong. He's amazing, he treats me right, he takes me to dinner, he buys me things, he listens to me, my parents love him -OR she's so funny, she's so classy, she's not a bitch, she's the only one who's ever made me feel like this, she's so much fun. You get the idea?

Not to say that those things go away completely after six months, but you finally understand each other. Some days you get under peoples skin, God forbid that you move in together, you know everything sooner.  Money opinions break out, one of you spends more than the other, one of you likes to go out more than the other, one of you cleans their clothes more often than the other, one yells more than the other, one eats totally different food than the other, one watches more tv than the other, one drinks more than the other, one expects more of the other. There is a lot of ground work that has to be covered before you can be truly happy together -and if you're reading this thinking that you don't have any of these problems, then I hate to break it to you- but you either haven't been with your person long enough yet, or worse you're not talking with your partner enough. Worse than that, maybe you have no differences. Maybe you are content to do everything together and to never speak with other people, maybe you are stuck in your own little love bubble and have no idea. It will all come out eventually.  Love hurts, love's hard, and love isn't always pretty.  But it is wonderful, and it is worth it, and I wouldn't have it any other way. Good luck guys.

Love,
Alice

Let go.

The tighter you hold on to yesterday, the faster it will slip through your fingers.

Seriously. I know a girl who hates everything, so obsessed with "the good old days" that she refuses to have any more good days ever. Hates her job, stays with her boyfriend not because she loves him but because he pays for stuff, hates her parents for getting divorced, hates everything for not working in her favor. But from the outside looking in, she's ok. Not ok on the inside, I'm not belittling depression in any way, because I've been there, and it's terrifying.not terrifying in the sense that it's what you feel, but terrifying in the sense that you cannot get out.it is your world. It is everything. It it's your outlook, your way of life, your permanent perspective of pessimism. One bad day leads to one bad thing leads to more bad things leads to more bad days, leads to despair.next thing you know, things are spiraling out of control in a hurricane of depression, and you're in the eye of the storm.everyone is on the outside, running from it, redirecting it, chasing it, trying to help - but you don't even realize it, because you're in the eye. You're sitting in a crowded room full of people who live you and you feel all alone. Helplessness all around. I've been there, and it's hard. And giving up sounds like not just a good option, but the only option. It fits from the back of your mind, to the front. A little voice, to your voice. Whispering, to screaming. It's horrible. People don't realize how horrible, until it happens to them, or it's too late.

But there is an escape. It's not fun, it's not easy, and it usually involves a slew of bad decisions that cause even more growing pains. But at least then you're starting to grow. You wake up, you drag yourself out of bed, you get some breakfast to go with that coffee, you get a better job, you see your friends every other day, you write down how you're feeling, and you make the ultimate choice to refuse to look back.you make a new life.you don't forget, but you don't let your past ruin you, because you finally start to realize that you're worth more than that.

It took me 8 months to climb out, to be better. 8 months, 2 equally depressed friends too battle it with me, a large number of regrets, and 1 final decision, that my life was my own. That Shit happens, sometimes you're gonna step in it and sometimes people are going to throw it at your face.you get over it, you move on, you figure out your passions, you hold your true friends close to you - and you wake up one day to realize that even if life isn't perfect, you're going to be ok.

Life isn't about clinging to the past, it's about creating your future. Always remember that. The best is yet to come.

Never, ever, give up.

Love,
Alice

God's gonna cut you down.

Why.

Why am I not good enough.

Why can't I fix everything.

Why do I feel useless and unwanted.

Why do I let it affect me so much.

Why do I feel like he's going to find new people to talk to because he's disgusted with me.

Why can't I work harder.

Why doesn't he care.

Why don't things get better no matter how hard I work.

Why do I feel like no one can hear me.

Why am I not happy.