"Friendship isn't about being inseparable, it's being separated and nothing changes."
At age seventeen, I thought that this was like, the best friendship quote ever. But most seventeen year olds are stupid. Or at least, stupid about the things that they don't know out of lack of experience. They are experienced in the life that they know, in school and friends and petty dating and big dreams. But life? No. The ones that still believe that people are good until proven bad, that teenage boys who wear leather jackets and smoke pot are capable of life long love and commitment, that you don't need to save money because getting a job after college will be easy, and that the friends you have now will be your best friends for life.
Fuck that.
Now sure, people aren't all bad, nice boys can wear leather jackets too, getting a job will happen but not fast or easily, and one of those friends might stick around. One of these things probably happened to you, because just about everybody in my age group with a brain has admitted to one or two. (The others are all idiots or drug addicts.) But in reality, a teenager's view of reality changes them into who they're going to be based on how many times they get screwed over by those around them.
I still believe that there are good people out there, but they have to prove that they're good first. I am always suspicious. I was always a jaded, pessimistic child. None of that changed as I got older, I just learned that you can learn to trust people, but sometimes it will hurt when they fail you. Because everybody's going to fail you once or twice. Some people suck, and you don't give them a second chance to hurt you again, even if they apologize and you forgive them. Some people screw up, but you're both willing to figure it out. Wether a best friend makes a mistake, or someone you love doesn't know what to do, some people need help and you just move forward.
Most pot smoking, leather jacket wearing teenage boys will never grow up. They will get a job at a hardware store and a dog and a roommate and take some classes at the community college and be content to live a mediocre life of moderate broke-ass partying and a possible damnit-now-I'm-stuck-with-you marriage to the first girl that they happen to knock up. I mean, we always hope that they turn out better, but let's be serious. Move on. Get better taste in men. And grow up.
I think the money one is something that you only learn the hard way, when you're trying to pay a bill and you realize that it's either a night out with your friends ooooor paying that lovely cell phone bill. Or filling up your gas tank. Or that car insurance. Or a medical bill. Or some morbid combination of any and all of those. That's when you realize that you have to figure out your finances. Now, this wasn't always a problem for me, I was extremely careful with my money, I just happen to own a truck that needed work done, insurance paid, and over $250.00 to put in the gas tank budgeted every month between commuting and driving around. It all adds up. And the better job you have, the more money you make, the easier it is to pay your bills. It's easy enough to plan out, it takes some serious effort to implement, and I have it a little easier because I didn't go to college. I don't have student loans to drown in, and I'm a little ahead of the game trying to figure out where my life is headed. The college graduates who think that their life is going to fall together the day after they're done graduating? Cool story bro, let me know how that works out for you. And good luck, you're gonna need it.
Those friends that you grew up with? Yeah about that... Have you ever noticed that nothing ever adds up with them anymore? You tell a bunch of "remember when" stories, laugh about stuff that you had in common five years ago, drop your maturity level to the embarrassingly low point of where it was the last time you were close with that person, and hope to God that you decided to meet them at a restaurant so that you can fill the awkward silences with coffee or food or something. There's always that one person who want s to act like their life is better, even though they are as equally lame or worse off than you are. Whether they're telling you to get money to go to school cause that's how they're surviving, telling you about their roommate and the parties that they go to, or whatever place they traveled to last year, it all levels out. Nobody has their life together. The ones that do? The ones who've made a substantial difference. The one's who worked their way up the food chain, or got married, or bought a house, or started a family, or are sincerely happy with the direction that their life is headed. Those people are doing alright. Those are the friends that you congratulate, but unless you went through any one of those things right along side them, you probably still have those awkward silences. Because life is not a one-size-fits-all scenario, not in the least. Whatever is going on in your life, don't be ashamed about it and don't be an asshole about it. Never be too embarrassed or too proud of your life. It's your life. It doesn't matter where these people are or were, everything changes. Those friends that you had in high school? Hopefully they're doing great, but between college and jobs and life, I doubt you talk to them for an hour every single day like you used to. Hopefully you're still connected but don't try too hard if they're so opposite that you can't enjoy talking to them. Because people grow, and people change, and people mature. And some people don't. The ones that still go get hammered and party every weekend? Yeah, leave those behind. They'll catch up when they're ready.
I had some really fun friends in high school, and we had all had different dreams, and different plans, and we all laughed and cried and told each other that we'd all be best friends forever, no matter how far apart we were. We were all lying, we just didn't know it yet. And you know what, I absolutely love the friends I have right now. I have the best girl-friend a girl could have, we met when we were teenagers, but didn't actually become close till we were both out of high school. And I know that I can always count on her, because we've been through some tough growing-up moments that are a lot more important than things either of us dealt with in high school. Life changing things, that none of our other friends have ever had to deal with. And maybe someday we'll grow apart, but I hope that never happens, because she's one of the most important people in my life. If I stuck with my high school friends, I might not know her at all. And that would have sucked.
So all in all, don't hold onto things or people or ideals that don't want or need you anymore. Find new ones, appreciate the ones you have, move forward and don't look back. Don't feel bad, and don't put more effort into something that doesn't want to give any back. Just move on, and if you're lucky enough to be one of those people who completely embraces their differences, then don't ever change.
Love,
Alice
Saturday, December 29, 2012
Monday, December 10, 2012
Giving and giving up.
Question: is it better to stick by what you want when you've pretty much sacrificed your entire view of how you've envisioned things, or is it better to just continue to roll with things as though your previous plans had never existed? I know which is more reasonable, but which is better? To find a new plan, or to hold onto that last glimmer of hope that some part of your original dream might still remain in tact? Sure it's easy to just stand by and let life slowly begin to pass over your big dreams whilst you're still trying to get on your feet. And that's necessary sometimes. But forgetting about what makes you feel alive? Those moments where you just stand back and take absolutely everything in and feel just so amazingly blessed? Those moments shouldn't give way to more practical ones. Many things about our life are practical: money, vehicles, food, living spaces. But so many things about our lives have the potential to be recognized as truly amazing, a fact that we so rarely stop to take advantage of. I'm not talking about "rising to the occasion", so much as I'm insisting that you not give up on what you want because it seems so far out of reach. And most certainly not because it's currently inconvenient. Life is a miracle, treat it like one. Appreciate it like one. LIVE it like one.
Love,
Alice.
Love,
Alice.
Wednesday, December 5, 2012
Matthews.
Today is a day full of possibilities. And also irritation at how far behind I am in everything that I am trying to achieve. So naturally, it is a day of scripture for me. Today, I'm choosing to share my preference. Enjoy:
1 And seeing the multitudes, he went up into a mountain: and when he was set, his disciples came unto him:
2 And he opened his mouth, and taught them, saying,
3 Blessed are the poor in spirit: for theirs is the kingdom of heaven.
4 Blessed are they that mourn: for they shall be comforted.
5 Blessed are the meek: for they shall inherit the earth.
6 Blessed are they which do hunger and thirst after righteousness: for they shall be filled.
7 Blessed are the merciful: for they shall obtain mercy.
8 Blessed are the pure in heart: for they shall see God.
9 Blessed are the peacemakers: for they shall be called the children of God.
10 Blessed are they which are persecuted for righteousness' sake: for theirs is the kingdom of heaven.
11 Blessed are ye, when men shall revile you, and persecute you, and shall say all manner of evil against you falsely, for my sake.
12 Rejoice, and be exceeding glad: for great is your reward in heaven: for so persecuted they the prophets which were before you.
13 Ye are the salt of the earth: but if the salt have lost his savour, wherewith shall it be salted? it is thenceforth good for nothing, but to be cast out, and to be trodden under foot of men.
14 Ye are the light of the world. A city that is set on an hill cannot be hid.
15 Neither do men light a candle, and put it under a bushel, but on a candlestick; and it giveth light unto all that are in the house.
16 Let your light so shine before men, that they may see your good works, and glorify your Father which is in heaven.
17 Think not that I am come to destroy the law, or the prophets: I am not come to destroy, but to fulfil.
18 For verily I say unto you, Till heaven and earth pass, one jot or one tittle shall in no wise pass from the law, till all be fulfilled.
19 Whosoever therefore shall break one of these least commandments, and shall teach men so, he shall be called the least in the kingdom of heaven: but whosoever shall do and teach them, the same shall be called great in the kingdom of heaven.
20 For I say unto you, That except your righteousness shall exceed the righteousness of the scribes and Pharisees, ye shall in no case enter into the kingdom of heaven.
21 Ye have heard that it was said of them of old time, Thou shalt not kill; and whosoever shall kill shall be in danger of the judgment:
22 But I say unto you, That whosoever is angry with his brother without a cause shall be in danger of the judgment: and whosoever shall say to his brother, Raca, shall be in danger of the council: but whosoever shall say, Thou fool, shall be in danger of hell fire.
23 Therefore if thou bring thy gift to the altar, and there rememberest that thy brother hath ought against thee;
24 Leave there thy gift before the altar, and go thy way; first be reconciled to thy brother, and then come and offer thy gift.
25 Agree with thine adversary quickly, whiles thou art in the way with him; lest at any time the adversary deliver thee to the judge, and the judge deliver thee to the officer, and thou be cast into prison.
26 Verily I say unto thee, Thou shalt by no means come out thence, till thou hast paid the uttermost farthing.
27 Ye have heard that it was said by them of old time, Thou shalt not commit adultery:
28 But I say unto you, That whosoever looketh on a woman to lust after her hath committed adultery with her already in his heart.
29 And if thy right eye offend thee, pluck it out, and cast it from thee: for it is profitable for thee that one of thy members should perish, and not that thy whole body should be cast into hell.
30 And if thy right hand offend thee, cut it off, and cast it from thee: for it is profitable for thee that one of thy members should perish, and not that thy whole body should be cast into hell.
31 It hath been said, Whosoever shall put away his wife, let him give her a writing of divorcement:
32 But I say unto you, That whosoever shall put away his wife, saving for the cause of fornication, causeth her to commit adultery: and whosoever shall marry her that is divorced committeth adultery.
33 Again, ye have heard that it hath been said by them of old time, Thou shalt not forswear thyself, but shalt perform unto the Lord thine oaths:
34 But I say unto you, Swear not at all; neither by heaven; for it is God's throne:
35 Nor by the earth; for it is his footstool: neither by Jerusalem; for it is the city of the great King.
36 Neither shalt thou swear by thy head, because thou canst not make one hair white or black.
37 But let your communication be, Yea, yea; Nay, nay: for whatsoever is more than these cometh of evil.
38 Ye have heard that it hath been said, An eye for an eye, and a tooth for a tooth:
39 But I say unto you, That ye resist not evil: but whosoever shall smite thee on thy right cheek, turn to him the other also.
40 And if any man will sue thee at the law, and take away thy coat, let him have thy cloak also.
41 And whosoever shall compel thee to go a mile, go with him twain.
42 Give to him that asketh thee, and from him that would borrow of thee turn not thou away.
43 Ye have heard that it hath been said, Thou shalt love thy neighbour, and hate thine enemy.
44 But I say unto you, Love your enemies, bless them that curse you, do good to them that hate you, and pray for them which despitefully use you, and persecute you;
45 That ye may be the children of your Father which is in heaven: for he maketh his sun to rise on the evil and on the good, and sendeth rain on the just and on the unjust.
46 For if ye love them which love you, what reward have ye? do not even the publicans the same?
47 And if ye salute your brethren only, what do ye more than others? do not even the publicans so?
48 Be ye therefore perfect, even as your Father which is in heaven is perfect.
2 And he opened his mouth, and taught them, saying,
3 Blessed are the poor in spirit: for theirs is the kingdom of heaven.
4 Blessed are they that mourn: for they shall be comforted.
5 Blessed are the meek: for they shall inherit the earth.
6 Blessed are they which do hunger and thirst after righteousness: for they shall be filled.
7 Blessed are the merciful: for they shall obtain mercy.
8 Blessed are the pure in heart: for they shall see God.
9 Blessed are the peacemakers: for they shall be called the children of God.
10 Blessed are they which are persecuted for righteousness' sake: for theirs is the kingdom of heaven.
11 Blessed are ye, when men shall revile you, and persecute you, and shall say all manner of evil against you falsely, for my sake.
12 Rejoice, and be exceeding glad: for great is your reward in heaven: for so persecuted they the prophets which were before you.
13 Ye are the salt of the earth: but if the salt have lost his savour, wherewith shall it be salted? it is thenceforth good for nothing, but to be cast out, and to be trodden under foot of men.
14 Ye are the light of the world. A city that is set on an hill cannot be hid.
15 Neither do men light a candle, and put it under a bushel, but on a candlestick; and it giveth light unto all that are in the house.
16 Let your light so shine before men, that they may see your good works, and glorify your Father which is in heaven.
17 Think not that I am come to destroy the law, or the prophets: I am not come to destroy, but to fulfil.
18 For verily I say unto you, Till heaven and earth pass, one jot or one tittle shall in no wise pass from the law, till all be fulfilled.
19 Whosoever therefore shall break one of these least commandments, and shall teach men so, he shall be called the least in the kingdom of heaven: but whosoever shall do and teach them, the same shall be called great in the kingdom of heaven.
20 For I say unto you, That except your righteousness shall exceed the righteousness of the scribes and Pharisees, ye shall in no case enter into the kingdom of heaven.
21 Ye have heard that it was said of them of old time, Thou shalt not kill; and whosoever shall kill shall be in danger of the judgment:
22 But I say unto you, That whosoever is angry with his brother without a cause shall be in danger of the judgment: and whosoever shall say to his brother, Raca, shall be in danger of the council: but whosoever shall say, Thou fool, shall be in danger of hell fire.
23 Therefore if thou bring thy gift to the altar, and there rememberest that thy brother hath ought against thee;
24 Leave there thy gift before the altar, and go thy way; first be reconciled to thy brother, and then come and offer thy gift.
25 Agree with thine adversary quickly, whiles thou art in the way with him; lest at any time the adversary deliver thee to the judge, and the judge deliver thee to the officer, and thou be cast into prison.
26 Verily I say unto thee, Thou shalt by no means come out thence, till thou hast paid the uttermost farthing.
27 Ye have heard that it was said by them of old time, Thou shalt not commit adultery:
28 But I say unto you, That whosoever looketh on a woman to lust after her hath committed adultery with her already in his heart.
29 And if thy right eye offend thee, pluck it out, and cast it from thee: for it is profitable for thee that one of thy members should perish, and not that thy whole body should be cast into hell.
30 And if thy right hand offend thee, cut it off, and cast it from thee: for it is profitable for thee that one of thy members should perish, and not that thy whole body should be cast into hell.
31 It hath been said, Whosoever shall put away his wife, let him give her a writing of divorcement:
32 But I say unto you, That whosoever shall put away his wife, saving for the cause of fornication, causeth her to commit adultery: and whosoever shall marry her that is divorced committeth adultery.
33 Again, ye have heard that it hath been said by them of old time, Thou shalt not forswear thyself, but shalt perform unto the Lord thine oaths:
34 But I say unto you, Swear not at all; neither by heaven; for it is God's throne:
35 Nor by the earth; for it is his footstool: neither by Jerusalem; for it is the city of the great King.
36 Neither shalt thou swear by thy head, because thou canst not make one hair white or black.
37 But let your communication be, Yea, yea; Nay, nay: for whatsoever is more than these cometh of evil.
38 Ye have heard that it hath been said, An eye for an eye, and a tooth for a tooth:
39 But I say unto you, That ye resist not evil: but whosoever shall smite thee on thy right cheek, turn to him the other also.
40 And if any man will sue thee at the law, and take away thy coat, let him have thy cloak also.
41 And whosoever shall compel thee to go a mile, go with him twain.
42 Give to him that asketh thee, and from him that would borrow of thee turn not thou away.
43 Ye have heard that it hath been said, Thou shalt love thy neighbour, and hate thine enemy.
44 But I say unto you, Love your enemies, bless them that curse you, do good to them that hate you, and pray for them which despitefully use you, and persecute you;
45 That ye may be the children of your Father which is in heaven: for he maketh his sun to rise on the evil and on the good, and sendeth rain on the just and on the unjust.
46 For if ye love them which love you, what reward have ye? do not even the publicans the same?
47 And if ye salute your brethren only, what do ye more than others? do not even the publicans so?
48 Be ye therefore perfect, even as your Father which is in heaven is perfect.
Food for thought.
Love,
Alice
Definitely, maybe.
"Lust tastes like tequila and love tastes like whiskey. Love burns for longer, and warms you up on the inside, and sometimes it makes you do stupid things. Tequila just makes you wasted"
Something I heard a while ago, a quote that didn't come to my mind until recently. When I realized that I know quite a few people, different age brackets, different stories, all with one goal in common; marriage.
Now, I'm thoroughly convinced that there are four kinds of marriage views: The ones who love it, and want to do it right away. The ones who know that they want to get married at some point, but don't rush it. The ones who hate marriage and often the opposite sex or whoever they might have ended up with. Then there are the people whom the idea takes by surprise.
I'm in that second category Of course I always looked at past boyfriends and wondered, but the minute I decided that there was no future there, I didn't stay to fool around just for the hell of it. It was my life, and if they were not a friend and were not my future, then they really didn't play a part in my happiness. Often this didn't always work out the way that I thought it would, but I'm happy the way that everything has.
Lately, it seems to me that it's a fad. There's the brides that are super duper excited to get married and can't wait, loudly announcing every detail via social network, as well as it being the only subject that they're even remotely interested in talking about. Enough to send even the closest of friends running for the hills.
Then there are the ones who are doing it because they are soooooooo in love they think that they simply must get married. Blech. Just shut up already.
Then there are the ones who are together forever and you always kind of wonder if they're really get married or not, and then they do. Which is great, obviously. For them, anyhow.
And that's just the thing, marriage is a huge freaking step. It's not just the, hey-I-like-you-if-you-marry-me-then-we'll-stay-together-and-live-happily-ever-after mentality. And it's definitely not one huge freaking party.
It's two people, who have decided through everything that they've been through, that they simply can't live without the other person. It's bigger than love, sex, and romance. It's about choosing to spend the rest of your life with your best friends. That you will never replace them, that you will never lie to them, that you will never leave them, that you will always support them, that you will never stop loving them. It's not fairy tale love. It's real love. It's running out to get ice cream in your pajamas at 11:00pm at night just because. It's through thin, fat, balding, old, tired, cranky, exhausted and everything else that life can throw at you. It's moving wherever you end up and being okay with it because you're together. It's waking up at 3:00am to take care of the baby because you know that your partner has to be up early for work. It's working three jobs to make ends meet and still keeping a smile on your face. It's opening a can of spaghetti-Os because niether of you wants to cook that night. It's washing dishes because you know she hates it even more than you do. It's just listening when the other person is mad, even when you want to yell back, because you know it won't get to the bottom of anything. It's putting your partner above any other person, and letting them lean on you when they just can't take it any more. It's knowing when to push an issue and when to leave it alone. It's being okay with video games every night because damnit he needs to relax too. It's not always pretty, it's not always perfect, but it's also never giving up. It's not tequila love, it's whiskey love.
Many people can say yes to love, many people can say yes to forever. But not everybody can handle never giving up. It's life people, face what you have, and make a choice. If you know that you'll be happy in 75 years, because even when they make you made, you know that they're also the only person for you, then go for it. If you imagine this perfect, amazing, nothing-ever-going-wrong life with your puppy-lover, then maybe you need to reevaluate your plans. Plans fall apart, marriage stays together.
Love,
Alice.
Something I heard a while ago, a quote that didn't come to my mind until recently. When I realized that I know quite a few people, different age brackets, different stories, all with one goal in common; marriage.
Now, I'm thoroughly convinced that there are four kinds of marriage views: The ones who love it, and want to do it right away. The ones who know that they want to get married at some point, but don't rush it. The ones who hate marriage and often the opposite sex or whoever they might have ended up with. Then there are the people whom the idea takes by surprise.
I'm in that second category Of course I always looked at past boyfriends and wondered, but the minute I decided that there was no future there, I didn't stay to fool around just for the hell of it. It was my life, and if they were not a friend and were not my future, then they really didn't play a part in my happiness. Often this didn't always work out the way that I thought it would, but I'm happy the way that everything has.
Lately, it seems to me that it's a fad. There's the brides that are super duper excited to get married and can't wait, loudly announcing every detail via social network, as well as it being the only subject that they're even remotely interested in talking about. Enough to send even the closest of friends running for the hills.
Then there are the ones who are doing it because they are soooooooo in love they think that they simply must get married. Blech. Just shut up already.
Then there are the ones who are together forever and you always kind of wonder if they're really get married or not, and then they do. Which is great, obviously. For them, anyhow.
And that's just the thing, marriage is a huge freaking step. It's not just the, hey-I-like-you-if-you-marry-me-then-we'll-stay-together-and-live-happily-ever-after mentality. And it's definitely not one huge freaking party.
It's two people, who have decided through everything that they've been through, that they simply can't live without the other person. It's bigger than love, sex, and romance. It's about choosing to spend the rest of your life with your best friends. That you will never replace them, that you will never lie to them, that you will never leave them, that you will always support them, that you will never stop loving them. It's not fairy tale love. It's real love. It's running out to get ice cream in your pajamas at 11:00pm at night just because. It's through thin, fat, balding, old, tired, cranky, exhausted and everything else that life can throw at you. It's moving wherever you end up and being okay with it because you're together. It's waking up at 3:00am to take care of the baby because you know that your partner has to be up early for work. It's working three jobs to make ends meet and still keeping a smile on your face. It's opening a can of spaghetti-Os because niether of you wants to cook that night. It's washing dishes because you know she hates it even more than you do. It's just listening when the other person is mad, even when you want to yell back, because you know it won't get to the bottom of anything. It's putting your partner above any other person, and letting them lean on you when they just can't take it any more. It's knowing when to push an issue and when to leave it alone. It's being okay with video games every night because damnit he needs to relax too. It's not always pretty, it's not always perfect, but it's also never giving up. It's not tequila love, it's whiskey love.
Many people can say yes to love, many people can say yes to forever. But not everybody can handle never giving up. It's life people, face what you have, and make a choice. If you know that you'll be happy in 75 years, because even when they make you made, you know that they're also the only person for you, then go for it. If you imagine this perfect, amazing, nothing-ever-going-wrong life with your puppy-lover, then maybe you need to reevaluate your plans. Plans fall apart, marriage stays together.
Love,
Alice.
Awful Beautiful
Well, it's 2:45 AM here. A time when most people are either doing things that they'll regret later, or sleeping. Tonight, I fall into the boring in-between category the people who can't sleep to the point that they stop trying altogether and know that they'll regret it in the morning. What's keeping me up this late you might wonder?
Life. As always.
Today, in my standing that would be totally emotionally stable if it weren't for the fact that I'm clearly not. Today I came to many different realizations, and being on the verge of a head cold, made it a little harder to cope with.
Today I realized that I might possibly be moving twelve hours away from where I currently live now. With my fiance of course, for work related purposes. But still, twelve hours away just the same. A distance where it's cheaper to grab a plane ticket and fly to visit your friends than it is to just hop in the car and go grab coffee with them. Now, this isn't the kind of thing that normally sits at the front of my mind. I have very few "real" friends whom I would actually care to keep in contact with -but those very few, are extremely close to my heart. One, in particular I would miss so badly I can't even bear the thought of it at the moment. The sister I never had, who always makes my day better even when we're both in the worst moods imaginable Now of course this kind of devastation is silly, because my one true best friend, Mr. Right, will be moving with me. But he will be working, and busy, and whatnot, and it leaves me to know that I will have to certainly extend the minutes on my cell phone plan. And have to figure out how the hell Skype works. These matters are complicated further by the fact that none of it is set in stone, therefore I can niether plan on leaving or plan on staying. No job hunting, no major plans, no spending money. Hell, no buying leggings that I desperately need this week but next month I might not even need at all. Little issues that preoccupy my mind, the one part of my body with insomnia so severe I'm convinced that it has never, ever, slept.
Bigger than this whole what-direction-is-my-life-headed-in-and-where-will-I-end-up-and-who-will-I-keep-in-touch-with drama, is the second realization, that even if I do stay, my life will soon be completely different. That this period in my life won't last forever. This realization hit me twice today. Once when I was at work, when I realized that even though I bitch about every little detail about my job when I'm angry, I will really miss all of the funny inside jokes and moments with my fiance and coworker. And once this time in my life is over, it will be gone forever. Nothing more than a few well preserved memories and stories about eating dog food and such. (Don't ask.)
That left me wondering, if this won't last forever, then what could possibly come next? I left that thought alone when I left work, and it didn't return until I had fixed dinner and found myself Netflixing Hannah Montana, of all things. Watching a few innocently humorous TV episodes of that made me flashback to a time when the episodes were new. When I raised pigs and had a best friend who was quite young, who would get very excited when Hannah Montana would come on. When I practically lived at her house and I worked on a ranch and joked and laughed about everything constantly. A time that is so far gone I rarely think of it anymore. At the time, I wouldn't have changed a thing. In that moment, at that age, with those people, I was so happy. But things change. Moments pass, we get older, people change, happiness becomes harder to hold onto until you finally realize that the things that used to make you happy, don't amuse you at all anymore. That life hasn't become any worse than it was, only different. That it's not the world's fault, merely your taste in experience. That girl whom I held so dear, that place I used to never leave, those things I used to always do? Gone. I haven't talked to her in two years. And a year before that all we did was fight. I haven't been to that place in years, and those things I used to do hold no meaning anymore.
Do I miss it? No. I'm glad it happened, I'm glad I knew her, I'm glad for how it turned me into the woman I am today. But do I ever wish to go back to that time? Not a chance. In that brief flashback, I had hope. All of those things that mattered to me once, were just planning for a bigger and brighter future. As much as I resent change, hate things that don't go my way, and fear what I might lose, I also have faith. And my faith just so happens to be in a constant battle to be bigger than my fears. It's constantly battling, but it's also constantly winning. This particular time in my life is very special to me, as much as the pain an uncertainty get a grip on my confidence every single week, I also understand that this too shall pass, and I must cherish it. I have an amazing fiance, who works very hard and loves me very much, I have a best friend who means the world to me, I have friends whom I love to have fun with, I have a family that tries it's best to love and care even when the entire household hates each other. And I have the constant knowledge that I am blessed.
No matter how far I go, or how long I'm gone, or how many painful growing experiences those particular places hold, I will always be able to come home.
Be happy in this moment, for this moment is your life.
Love,
Alice.
Life. As always.
Today, in my standing that would be totally emotionally stable if it weren't for the fact that I'm clearly not. Today I came to many different realizations, and being on the verge of a head cold, made it a little harder to cope with.
Today I realized that I might possibly be moving twelve hours away from where I currently live now. With my fiance of course, for work related purposes. But still, twelve hours away just the same. A distance where it's cheaper to grab a plane ticket and fly to visit your friends than it is to just hop in the car and go grab coffee with them. Now, this isn't the kind of thing that normally sits at the front of my mind. I have very few "real" friends whom I would actually care to keep in contact with -but those very few, are extremely close to my heart. One, in particular I would miss so badly I can't even bear the thought of it at the moment. The sister I never had, who always makes my day better even when we're both in the worst moods imaginable Now of course this kind of devastation is silly, because my one true best friend, Mr. Right, will be moving with me. But he will be working, and busy, and whatnot, and it leaves me to know that I will have to certainly extend the minutes on my cell phone plan. And have to figure out how the hell Skype works. These matters are complicated further by the fact that none of it is set in stone, therefore I can niether plan on leaving or plan on staying. No job hunting, no major plans, no spending money. Hell, no buying leggings that I desperately need this week but next month I might not even need at all. Little issues that preoccupy my mind, the one part of my body with insomnia so severe I'm convinced that it has never, ever, slept.
Bigger than this whole what-direction-is-my-life-headed-in-and-where-will-I-end-up-and-who-will-I-keep-in-touch-with drama, is the second realization, that even if I do stay, my life will soon be completely different. That this period in my life won't last forever. This realization hit me twice today. Once when I was at work, when I realized that even though I bitch about every little detail about my job when I'm angry, I will really miss all of the funny inside jokes and moments with my fiance and coworker. And once this time in my life is over, it will be gone forever. Nothing more than a few well preserved memories and stories about eating dog food and such. (Don't ask.)
That left me wondering, if this won't last forever, then what could possibly come next? I left that thought alone when I left work, and it didn't return until I had fixed dinner and found myself Netflixing Hannah Montana, of all things. Watching a few innocently humorous TV episodes of that made me flashback to a time when the episodes were new. When I raised pigs and had a best friend who was quite young, who would get very excited when Hannah Montana would come on. When I practically lived at her house and I worked on a ranch and joked and laughed about everything constantly. A time that is so far gone I rarely think of it anymore. At the time, I wouldn't have changed a thing. In that moment, at that age, with those people, I was so happy. But things change. Moments pass, we get older, people change, happiness becomes harder to hold onto until you finally realize that the things that used to make you happy, don't amuse you at all anymore. That life hasn't become any worse than it was, only different. That it's not the world's fault, merely your taste in experience. That girl whom I held so dear, that place I used to never leave, those things I used to always do? Gone. I haven't talked to her in two years. And a year before that all we did was fight. I haven't been to that place in years, and those things I used to do hold no meaning anymore.
Do I miss it? No. I'm glad it happened, I'm glad I knew her, I'm glad for how it turned me into the woman I am today. But do I ever wish to go back to that time? Not a chance. In that brief flashback, I had hope. All of those things that mattered to me once, were just planning for a bigger and brighter future. As much as I resent change, hate things that don't go my way, and fear what I might lose, I also have faith. And my faith just so happens to be in a constant battle to be bigger than my fears. It's constantly battling, but it's also constantly winning. This particular time in my life is very special to me, as much as the pain an uncertainty get a grip on my confidence every single week, I also understand that this too shall pass, and I must cherish it. I have an amazing fiance, who works very hard and loves me very much, I have a best friend who means the world to me, I have friends whom I love to have fun with, I have a family that tries it's best to love and care even when the entire household hates each other. And I have the constant knowledge that I am blessed.
No matter how far I go, or how long I'm gone, or how many painful growing experiences those particular places hold, I will always be able to come home.
Be happy in this moment, for this moment is your life.
Love,
Alice.
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