Well, it's 2:45 AM here. A time when most people are either doing things that they'll regret later, or sleeping. Tonight, I fall into the boring in-between category the people who can't sleep to the point that they stop trying altogether and know that they'll regret it in the morning. What's keeping me up this late you might wonder?
Life. As always.
Today, in my standing that would be totally emotionally stable if it weren't for the fact that I'm clearly not. Today I came to many different realizations, and being on the verge of a head cold, made it a little harder to cope with.
Today I realized that I might possibly be moving twelve hours away from where I currently live now. With my fiance of course, for work related purposes. But still, twelve hours away just the same. A distance where it's cheaper to grab a plane ticket and fly to visit your friends than it is to just hop in the car and go grab coffee with them. Now, this isn't the kind of thing that normally sits at the front of my mind. I have very few "real" friends whom I would actually care to keep in contact with -but those very few, are extremely close to my heart. One, in particular I would miss so badly I can't even bear the thought of it at the moment. The sister I never had, who always makes my day better even when we're both in the worst moods imaginable Now of course this kind of devastation is silly, because my one true best friend, Mr. Right, will be moving with me. But he will be working, and busy, and whatnot, and it leaves me to know that I will have to certainly extend the minutes on my cell phone plan. And have to figure out how the hell Skype works. These matters are complicated further by the fact that none of it is set in stone, therefore I can niether plan on leaving or plan on staying. No job hunting, no major plans, no spending money. Hell, no buying leggings that I desperately need this week but next month I might not even need at all. Little issues that preoccupy my mind, the one part of my body with insomnia so severe I'm convinced that it has never, ever, slept.
Bigger than this whole what-direction-is-my-life-headed-in-and-where-will-I-end-up-and-who-will-I-keep-in-touch-with drama, is the second realization, that even if I do stay, my life will soon be completely different. That this period in my life won't last forever. This realization hit me twice today. Once when I was at work, when I realized that even though I bitch about every little detail about my job when I'm angry, I will really miss all of the funny inside jokes and moments with my fiance and coworker. And once this time in my life is over, it will be gone forever. Nothing more than a few well preserved memories and stories about eating dog food and such. (Don't ask.)
That left me wondering, if this won't last forever, then what could possibly come next? I left that thought alone when I left work, and it didn't return until I had fixed dinner and found myself Netflixing Hannah Montana, of all things. Watching a few innocently humorous TV episodes of that made me flashback to a time when the episodes were new. When I raised pigs and had a best friend who was quite young, who would get very excited when Hannah Montana would come on. When I practically lived at her house and I worked on a ranch and joked and laughed about everything constantly. A time that is so far gone I rarely think of it anymore. At the time, I wouldn't have changed a thing. In that moment, at that age, with those people, I was so happy. But things change. Moments pass, we get older, people change, happiness becomes harder to hold onto until you finally realize that the things that used to make you happy, don't amuse you at all anymore. That life hasn't become any worse than it was, only different. That it's not the world's fault, merely your taste in experience. That girl whom I held so dear, that place I used to never leave, those things I used to always do? Gone. I haven't talked to her in two years. And a year before that all we did was fight. I haven't been to that place in years, and those things I used to do hold no meaning anymore.
Do I miss it? No. I'm glad it happened, I'm glad I knew her, I'm glad for how it turned me into the woman I am today. But do I ever wish to go back to that time? Not a chance. In that brief flashback, I had hope. All of those things that mattered to me once, were just planning for a bigger and brighter future. As much as I resent change, hate things that don't go my way, and fear what I might lose, I also have faith. And my faith just so happens to be in a constant battle to be bigger than my fears. It's constantly battling, but it's also constantly winning. This particular time in my life is very special to me, as much as the pain an uncertainty get a grip on my confidence every single week, I also understand that this too shall pass, and I must cherish it. I have an amazing fiance, who works very hard and loves me very much, I have a best friend who means the world to me, I have friends whom I love to have fun with, I have a family that tries it's best to love and care even when the entire household hates each other. And I have the constant knowledge that I am blessed.
No matter how far I go, or how long I'm gone, or how many painful growing experiences those particular places hold, I will always be able to come home.
Be happy in this moment, for this moment is your life.
Love,
Alice.
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