Relief.

I feel like it's back.

Peace. Harmony. The knowledge that everything is going to actually be okay.

This year, my New Year's Resolution was to clean up my life. Not that it was super dirty, but it was dusty.  Dust particles made up of desperation, sadness, loss, change, friends who lie about other friends, and friends who were just poisonous in general.

Now it's gone.  Gone with the attitude of depression, when I can continue to try to get everything back together one day at a time.  To strive to be better and do better, to work hard every day in every way -in doing my job, in studying for a better job, in exploring the things that I am truly passionate about, and in bettering my friendships.

I am saving my money, paying off my credit card, being as thrifty as possible in planning out my dream wedding, which is looking more and more like a reality; a special, vintage-chic celebration with only the closest and most important people in my life.

I am repairing my Faith.  I'm not going to lie, I've had a lot of resentment this year, not being trusting in my future, not listening when it was time to walk away and getting in too deep, not believing that everything would be okay when clearly everything was going to be okay. Because the time has passed, and I am still here, and it's all okay.

I've ignored every fiber of my body that hates confrontation and actually acted on my feelings. I solved conflict at work, removed toxic people from my life, and am happy with where I am.  I have my best friend in the world whom I would do just about anything for, I have my couple friend with whom my fiance and I love hanging out with together and can see ourselves building a life alongside, I have my longtime friend who loves reminiscing with me when our paths cross again, I have my social friend, who I see at work and go out to do strictly fun things with, and I have my brother friends -whom I have grown up with and always love to see them when I can. That's all I need.  Those are my people. There is no drama, there is no sadness, there is strength in hard times and laughter constantly. They are the people who I picture when I see where I am in ten years. My family outside of my family. Because people matter, and you have to treat them like they matter and like their thoughts matter -because NO ONE likes the one friend who doesn't listen or care. The one who shoves their thoughts and "happiness" in everyone's faces without asking about their lives. The one who is offended and shocked by anything negative, causes drama, and complains loudly when their friends drop them one by one. Until they are alone. Maybe they will make new friends, but I don't need to worry about that. Because my life is free of toxic people.

I am almost certified to build a business that excited me and makes me feel important, and am already deep in continuing to grow a business that I love and that is passionate and beautiful. Something that I can do every week and love all of it. It's challenging, but nothing great in life comes easy, and I can't forget that.  Everything in life worth having is worth working for and protecting. And that's just what I plan on doing.

I am happy now.  Maybe not super happy, but hopeful.  Things will be okay. The lord will provide.  He will watch over my Fiance', friends and I. We will survive, and all will be okay. No more toxins. Just life.

Beautiful life.

Love,
Alice

People.

Not to turn this into a wedding bitch blog, but seriously, wedding guest list are the single hardest part of throwing a wedding. All in the name of who to not offend. Not that anyone cares what I think. Do I really want my deranged great aunt there? Or the annoying little girl who does nothing but insult my religion every time she sees me? Or the old friend who I can't NOT invite because that would be more painful than not inviting her? It's so much more confusing than I thought it would be.

There are so many insane wants that get confused as needs when wedding planning. Seriously.

I don't need a million people.
I don't need an isle runner.
I don't need a fancy hall.
I don't need real flowers.
I don't need a ball gown.
I don't need a lot of things.

I need my fiance.
My Parents.
My brothers.
My sister's.
My close friends.
A pretty dress.
A preacher.
Some food.
Some music.
Some pictures to remember it all.

That's it.

It all seems so complicated. And it's driving me nuts. And I just want to be happy.

Sigh.

Goodnight everybody.

Love,
Alice

Life is a wave.

Somebody told me that life was like a coloring book…

Really? Is that so? Like in a sense that it comes from the dollar store or has distorted images of superman running through it? Maybe horses with wings or little Toy Story doodles. Sounds like a manufactured life to me. A paper dream. Something depressed folk singers sing about, and not in the good way. What do you wish for when what you’re supposed to wish for is already written down? Already predicted? Already ‘lined’ out by someone who doesn’t know you at all.

A coloring book? Like seriously? Not in my book.  Pun intended.

No. Life is a wave. Go to the beach and contemplate it. I think that the many different prospects of a wave beat out the many different prospects of a coloring book. Scratch that, a coloring book has very few prospects.

Life is a wave.

You stand there and watch it come towards you with a million thoughts running through your head. it’s beautiful and full of colors and expressions and feelings, but it’s intimidating and sometimes scary… it’s predictable only in the sense that you have an idea of when it might come and what it might look like and where it might go -but might is never a good word to stand by.  It can make you think crazy thoughts for a minute before you find ground again, it can make you feel like you can fly, it can make you laugh or cry, make you misrable or remember some of the greatest moments that you’ve ever been through. And when it’s about to hit you, you find yourself wondering if it will sting, if it will knock you down, or if it will be refreshing and fun in the normally calm and comforting realm of your existence. Or maybe you’ll get lucky and you won’t see it coming -you’ll just get to take it as it comes and make the best of it.

Life is a wave.  Surf’s up!

Love,

Alice