Relief.

I feel like it's back.

Peace. Harmony. The knowledge that everything is going to actually be okay.

This year, my New Year's Resolution was to clean up my life. Not that it was super dirty, but it was dusty.  Dust particles made up of desperation, sadness, loss, change, friends who lie about other friends, and friends who were just poisonous in general.

Now it's gone.  Gone with the attitude of depression, when I can continue to try to get everything back together one day at a time.  To strive to be better and do better, to work hard every day in every way -in doing my job, in studying for a better job, in exploring the things that I am truly passionate about, and in bettering my friendships.

I am saving my money, paying off my credit card, being as thrifty as possible in planning out my dream wedding, which is looking more and more like a reality; a special, vintage-chic celebration with only the closest and most important people in my life.

I am repairing my Faith.  I'm not going to lie, I've had a lot of resentment this year, not being trusting in my future, not listening when it was time to walk away and getting in too deep, not believing that everything would be okay when clearly everything was going to be okay. Because the time has passed, and I am still here, and it's all okay.

I've ignored every fiber of my body that hates confrontation and actually acted on my feelings. I solved conflict at work, removed toxic people from my life, and am happy with where I am.  I have my best friend in the world whom I would do just about anything for, I have my couple friend with whom my fiance and I love hanging out with together and can see ourselves building a life alongside, I have my longtime friend who loves reminiscing with me when our paths cross again, I have my social friend, who I see at work and go out to do strictly fun things with, and I have my brother friends -whom I have grown up with and always love to see them when I can. That's all I need.  Those are my people. There is no drama, there is no sadness, there is strength in hard times and laughter constantly. They are the people who I picture when I see where I am in ten years. My family outside of my family. Because people matter, and you have to treat them like they matter and like their thoughts matter -because NO ONE likes the one friend who doesn't listen or care. The one who shoves their thoughts and "happiness" in everyone's faces without asking about their lives. The one who is offended and shocked by anything negative, causes drama, and complains loudly when their friends drop them one by one. Until they are alone. Maybe they will make new friends, but I don't need to worry about that. Because my life is free of toxic people.

I am almost certified to build a business that excited me and makes me feel important, and am already deep in continuing to grow a business that I love and that is passionate and beautiful. Something that I can do every week and love all of it. It's challenging, but nothing great in life comes easy, and I can't forget that.  Everything in life worth having is worth working for and protecting. And that's just what I plan on doing.

I am happy now.  Maybe not super happy, but hopeful.  Things will be okay. The lord will provide.  He will watch over my Fiance', friends and I. We will survive, and all will be okay. No more toxins. Just life.

Beautiful life.

Love,
Alice

People.

Not to turn this into a wedding bitch blog, but seriously, wedding guest list are the single hardest part of throwing a wedding. All in the name of who to not offend. Not that anyone cares what I think. Do I really want my deranged great aunt there? Or the annoying little girl who does nothing but insult my religion every time she sees me? Or the old friend who I can't NOT invite because that would be more painful than not inviting her? It's so much more confusing than I thought it would be.

There are so many insane wants that get confused as needs when wedding planning. Seriously.

I don't need a million people.
I don't need an isle runner.
I don't need a fancy hall.
I don't need real flowers.
I don't need a ball gown.
I don't need a lot of things.

I need my fiance.
My Parents.
My brothers.
My sister's.
My close friends.
A pretty dress.
A preacher.
Some food.
Some music.
Some pictures to remember it all.

That's it.

It all seems so complicated. And it's driving me nuts. And I just want to be happy.

Sigh.

Goodnight everybody.

Love,
Alice

Craziness

It's been a while.

It's been busy, things have been crazy.  I've been wedding planning, like in the actual sense.  The nice part is that I've decided to only have a tiny amount of people there. People that are here right now, people that are family.  I realized that as much as I want a "wedding", I want a tiny, intimate wedding more. I want to sit around a bonfire pit in my dress and relax and tell stories and drink coffee and sing and dance and not care about what the wedding industry thinks I should have.  So that part is becoming crazier because it's actually happening, after a year and a half of being engaged it's finally happening.

The other part is my newest job.  I've been there for about a month, I am now an actual barista. I make espresso, mix drinks, blend stuff together, all that jazz. The actual job is fun, it's a lot of girls working together in a small space, but it's fun.  I don't know what I think about management. Not the manager, but the owner.   We shall have to see.

Also, I'm considering moving my blog to Wordpress. I think I might like the format better. If that's the case, I will let you know ;)

Plus, lots of editing, lots of people in my life going through crazy things - moving away, buying houses, getting engaged, getting married, having children, dealing with parents dying, dealing with issues, going to school, all the crazy.  It gets overwhelming at times.  I feel like I either don't have friends, or I get completely emotionally attached to their personal issues.  I want to help...

Anyhow, I hope that your Thanksgiving was lovely.  Mine was bittersweet.  It was the first time that my fiance and my brother's girlfriend had ever been to my grandparent's house, and the first time that we celebrated a holiday there since my granddad died last year.  It was nice, but painfully sad.  I miss him so much. I wish that my fiance could have met him, if I could change one thing in my life, that would be it.

I'm tired.  And I have to finish editing for a client. And then I have to go to work. And then I have to go work out. And then I can go to bed and start over tomorrow.

Have a great day lovies.

Love, Alice

Thrive.

I have never in my life wanted to be the blonde blue eyes popular girl. I have been irritated by them, shunned by them, and occupational befriended by them, but never have I said if only I looked like her. If only I acted like her. If only I was her.

Never.

I wanted to be an artist, a cowgirl, a veterinarian, a musician, a singer, a photographer, a writer, a dreamer, a lover, a wild child. I wanted to be the girl with the crazy hair who traveled the world, who wore whatever she wanted and felt great all the time.

Life is funny that way.

I got some of what I wanted, never all, but some. I play guitar, I sing, I write when I have the time, I dream constantly, I photograph everything, I live.  I try to live freer than those around me, even if I'm not as free as I wish I was. What they don't tell you as a child is how hard it is to make a living while dreaming your dreams.

Luckily my parents always told me I could be whatever I wanted as long as I prepared myself. So I've done my best to take my strengths and make them profitable while exploring all of my fantasies.

While all of my friends are choosing careers or marriage or schools, I'm trying my best to not choose. I want to go through life with my best friend, my husband, working hard to make it dreams come true, to only have children when I've seen enough of the world that I can show them how to thrive by the Grace of God. I don't desire to have a degree, or the debt that comes with it. A high and mighty career, with the time constraints that chimes with it, or a marriage that loses its meaning somewhere between the two. I want love, and life, and enough money to make ends meet without worrying about what it not we have enough extra to buy new shoes when we need it.

I want to thank God that I have just enough, even if that's all. I want to be happy, I want to be free. I want to be me.

Love,
Alice

I'm feeling a bit poetic today...

I don't know about you, but occasionally I get the urge to write a poem. Probably only once or twice a year. I usually stick to songs or blogging or writing fiction, but I try not to limit myself. One day I will be a famous author. That would be amazing. Okay, maybe just a published author, I could be very happy with that! 

Anyhow, my moment of poetic glory:



It’s not the things you think you want,
it’s not the things you say you need,
it’s not the boy you’re chasing after,
it’s the one who disagreed.

It’s not the house on the hill,
it’s not the fancy foreign car,
it’s the walk along the road
with your best friend under the stars,

it’s not the future you imagined,
it’s not the ideas that make it great,
it’s the little moments and the people
you don’t miss till it’s too late.

Why are we blind
To see what we’ve missed
Till we’re standing there alone
Stuck in our reminiscence

Why is the past always brighter
Though the shadows were certainly there
Why does the future seem more special
Than the presence that we share

Why do we question those around us
Why do we search every face
Looking so hard for something
That will simply fall into place

Appreciates the moments
Ignore the fear and strife
Be happy for these moments
Because these moments are your life.

Love,
Alice

What is love?

Love.

To some people it’s a myth, a common object of disappointment, something that you can’t trust. Something easily defeated by illness, disaster and even simple human nature. But it wasn’t meant to provide immunity from fate or grief or pain, in fact it often is the cause of these things.

To others love is fun, simple, something you wear on your sleeve and take wherever you will that day. It’s different for everyone, but one thing’s for sure, it’s more than a feeling or a promise, more than a song you hear on the radio or a Nicholas Sparks novel -it’s a place in your heart. And if you leave your heart open, love will always find it’s way home.

So many people are confused, pained and even desperate. But trying to make someone fall in love with you is about as pointless as trying to control who you fall in love with. Whatever happens, never be reckless with other people’s hearts and don’t put up with people who are reckless with yours. That’s not love. That’s not to say you won’t get your heart broken. I’ve come to find that nearly everybody gets their heart broken at least once. You fall in love with someone and then suddenly it's over.  And it sucks, but you learn from it. In the beginning you learn to think that all good things end, that you can’t trust people and that sometimes lies are the worst possible weapons. To an extent those things are true, they teach you to protect yourself. Things you can’t possibly learn from anything except personal experience. You build defensive walls around your heart, you play your cards safe and give up easily. You pick up the pieces and put them away and swear you’ll never let it happen again.

Then something crazy happens. You actually fall again, but it’s better, because you know how to avoid some of the pain, you’ve learned, you know who you are a little more. You don’t let people take advantage of you the same way. Because broken hearts can’t be fixed by time. They can be numbed by time, but they have to be healed by someone who wants them to heal even more than you do. You learn that everything happens for a reason, that maybe the answers are more simple than you expected and that taking chances isn‘t as horrible as you remember. It‘s just life. In the words of Dr. Suess: “We are all a little weird and life’s a little weird, and when we find someone whose weirdness is compatible with ours, we join up with them and fall in mutual weirdness and call it love.”

For most, the hard part is jumping into love. Standing on the edge looking down and wondering if it’s really worth what you might possibly go through before you hit the ground. God forbid you have to climb your way back to where you already were. What they don’t realize is that it doesn’t matter what will happen when you hit the ground, if you stumble, if you crash, if someone catches you or if you land on your feet. Someone will always be there to help you back up on your feet and moving forward again. What matters is how you spend the freefall. Make that time worthwhile, so that no matter how it ends, you wouldn’t trade that time for anything. That time makes us who we are, carves us into who we are supposed to be more than any other experience. Many things in life will catch your eye, very few will truly catch your heart. Don’t regret things that make you smile, and if the worst should happen, remember to learn from the tears that follow. So what is love? The exact definition? There really isn’t one. It’s different for each of us… That, I think, is what they mean by “Love conquers all.” It doesn’t fix everything, but it gives us hope, courage, passion, joy and integrity in our lives where there was none before.

And it's true. Because even with all the pain and suffering and emotional shit I've been through, somehow I've found real love, with an amazing man who makes me want to be a better person every day. Who makes me feel beautiful and needed and wonderful even when I don't believe want to believe it.  Who I can be myself with and have fun with even if we're doing nothing.  The one person who I am willing to spend the rest of my life getting to know a little better each day, with all my heart. So don’t frown, because you never know who’s falling in love with your smile.

“Life ain’t always beautiful, but it’s a beautiful ride” -Gary Allen.

Love,
Alice

For once in my life I don’t have to try and be happy, when I’m with you it just happens.

Why do people judge you before they meet you? Why do they label you before they meet you? Why do they talk bad about you behind your back when you have done nothing wrong? Why do they take your friends and tell them lies to try to get you to stop hanging out with you? Makes a person wonder what hole these people have inside them that they feel the need to do those things. I don’t have those answers. To tell you the truth, I hope I never have those answers because that would make me one of them. One of those people that passes judgment on people they don’t know and spread lies about people they might have been friends with but now will never have the chance. 

Being friends isn't about where you come from, what you wear, what music you listen to, how you talk or what you look like. Being friends isn't about how long you've known someone, it isn’t about who you’ve been friends with before and it isn’t about who you’re starting to become friends with now. It’s about being with people who make you feel good about yourself. People who think you’re funny or nice or quirky or whatever, because they just want to hang out and they actually care about you. If you've been friends with someone for ten years and they’re not very nice anymore then maybe it’s time to drift away for a while. If you were friends with someone years ago and suddenly they’re in your life again, maybe it’s time to offer up a second chance. The best things in life are unexpected. 

The people that I've come to rely on the most, I wouldn’t have necessarily expected to meet -but I love them. I love all of them. The people who matter don’t judge me and the people who judge me don’t matter. They aren’t my judge. Unless they’ve lived my life they can’t judge me -because they don’t know, never have known and never will know every little thing and detail about me, about how where I’ve been and what I’ve done and what people have done to me has made me who I am. They can take it or leave it because this is what I am. I make mistakes, I’ve hurt people on accident, I’ve done things that I’m not proud of -but I’m not ashamed of who I am and I’ll never pretend to be who I’m not. 

Friendship has many memories, some good, some bad -but all important. A real friend is someone who walks in when the rest of the world walks out, who sits next to you knowing that sometimes saying nothing says everything. Someone who doesn’t care who’s known you the longest or what time it is when they call you. Someone who understands your past when you’ve forgotten where you’ve been and believes in your future when you’re blind. Someone who will stop you from saying something you’ll regret but will jump out to defend you without fear of the consequences. Someone who’s brave enough to say exactly what’s on your mind, someone who grabs a shovel without question when you say you have a body to bury. Someone who holds your hand when you want to run away , someone who will run with you through the middle of the street in the pouring rain, someone who can tell the difference between a silly crush and something much more than that. Someone who will wave to random strangers and sing inappropriate songs at the top of their lungs in public just to make you laugh. Friends who keep your feet on the ground while you head’s in the clouds, and who believe in your dreams even if it means they might have to say goodbye at some point. Friends want what’s best for you…

Life's too short to be who you're not, it's too short to spend with people who don't care about you, or who you don't care about. Be happy in this moment, because this moment is your life.

Promises are everything but once they're broken, sorry means nothing. So here are the very few promises I'll ever make to a friend:
I promise to be the best me that I can be, and only me, no one else.
And I promise to be here for as long as you need me, be that days, months, or the rest of our lives.
Friends matter. Treat them right.

Love,
Alice