She is clothed in strength and dignity and she laughs without fear of the future.

That is me now. Or at least, who I try to be.

Because that's all I can ever try to be: Strong, dignified and fearless. Because by being those things, all other good things will follow. All I can ever do is stand up for myself, live with integrity, and trust God.  Because he will provide.  And all will be okay.

And it doesn't matter what other people say, because it's you that matter.  God put you on this earth for a reason and the fact that you are breathing is proof that you are wonderful and amazing that that you have great purpose in this world, to make a difference in people's lives.

Be the change you want to see in the world.  Be strong.  Be dignified.  Be fearless.

Because if you live in fear, shameful and weak, you can't accomplish anything for yourself or others.  Reach your hand out, and someone will help you.  Then maybe when you are okay, you can reach out to someone who needs you.

Love,
Alice

Relief.

I feel like it's back.

Peace. Harmony. The knowledge that everything is going to actually be okay.

This year, my New Year's Resolution was to clean up my life. Not that it was super dirty, but it was dusty.  Dust particles made up of desperation, sadness, loss, change, friends who lie about other friends, and friends who were just poisonous in general.

Now it's gone.  Gone with the attitude of depression, when I can continue to try to get everything back together one day at a time.  To strive to be better and do better, to work hard every day in every way -in doing my job, in studying for a better job, in exploring the things that I am truly passionate about, and in bettering my friendships.

I am saving my money, paying off my credit card, being as thrifty as possible in planning out my dream wedding, which is looking more and more like a reality; a special, vintage-chic celebration with only the closest and most important people in my life.

I am repairing my Faith.  I'm not going to lie, I've had a lot of resentment this year, not being trusting in my future, not listening when it was time to walk away and getting in too deep, not believing that everything would be okay when clearly everything was going to be okay. Because the time has passed, and I am still here, and it's all okay.

I've ignored every fiber of my body that hates confrontation and actually acted on my feelings. I solved conflict at work, removed toxic people from my life, and am happy with where I am.  I have my best friend in the world whom I would do just about anything for, I have my couple friend with whom my fiance and I love hanging out with together and can see ourselves building a life alongside, I have my longtime friend who loves reminiscing with me when our paths cross again, I have my social friend, who I see at work and go out to do strictly fun things with, and I have my brother friends -whom I have grown up with and always love to see them when I can. That's all I need.  Those are my people. There is no drama, there is no sadness, there is strength in hard times and laughter constantly. They are the people who I picture when I see where I am in ten years. My family outside of my family. Because people matter, and you have to treat them like they matter and like their thoughts matter -because NO ONE likes the one friend who doesn't listen or care. The one who shoves their thoughts and "happiness" in everyone's faces without asking about their lives. The one who is offended and shocked by anything negative, causes drama, and complains loudly when their friends drop them one by one. Until they are alone. Maybe they will make new friends, but I don't need to worry about that. Because my life is free of toxic people.

I am almost certified to build a business that excited me and makes me feel important, and am already deep in continuing to grow a business that I love and that is passionate and beautiful. Something that I can do every week and love all of it. It's challenging, but nothing great in life comes easy, and I can't forget that.  Everything in life worth having is worth working for and protecting. And that's just what I plan on doing.

I am happy now.  Maybe not super happy, but hopeful.  Things will be okay. The lord will provide.  He will watch over my Fiance', friends and I. We will survive, and all will be okay. No more toxins. Just life.

Beautiful life.

Love,
Alice

People.

Not to turn this into a wedding bitch blog, but seriously, wedding guest list are the single hardest part of throwing a wedding. All in the name of who to not offend. Not that anyone cares what I think. Do I really want my deranged great aunt there? Or the annoying little girl who does nothing but insult my religion every time she sees me? Or the old friend who I can't NOT invite because that would be more painful than not inviting her? It's so much more confusing than I thought it would be.

There are so many insane wants that get confused as needs when wedding planning. Seriously.

I don't need a million people.
I don't need an isle runner.
I don't need a fancy hall.
I don't need real flowers.
I don't need a ball gown.
I don't need a lot of things.

I need my fiance.
My Parents.
My brothers.
My sister's.
My close friends.
A pretty dress.
A preacher.
Some food.
Some music.
Some pictures to remember it all.

That's it.

It all seems so complicated. And it's driving me nuts. And I just want to be happy.

Sigh.

Goodnight everybody.

Love,
Alice

Craziness

It's been a while.

It's been busy, things have been crazy.  I've been wedding planning, like in the actual sense.  The nice part is that I've decided to only have a tiny amount of people there. People that are here right now, people that are family.  I realized that as much as I want a "wedding", I want a tiny, intimate wedding more. I want to sit around a bonfire pit in my dress and relax and tell stories and drink coffee and sing and dance and not care about what the wedding industry thinks I should have.  So that part is becoming crazier because it's actually happening, after a year and a half of being engaged it's finally happening.

The other part is my newest job.  I've been there for about a month, I am now an actual barista. I make espresso, mix drinks, blend stuff together, all that jazz. The actual job is fun, it's a lot of girls working together in a small space, but it's fun.  I don't know what I think about management. Not the manager, but the owner.   We shall have to see.

Also, I'm considering moving my blog to Wordpress. I think I might like the format better. If that's the case, I will let you know ;)

Plus, lots of editing, lots of people in my life going through crazy things - moving away, buying houses, getting engaged, getting married, having children, dealing with parents dying, dealing with issues, going to school, all the crazy.  It gets overwhelming at times.  I feel like I either don't have friends, or I get completely emotionally attached to their personal issues.  I want to help...

Anyhow, I hope that your Thanksgiving was lovely.  Mine was bittersweet.  It was the first time that my fiance and my brother's girlfriend had ever been to my grandparent's house, and the first time that we celebrated a holiday there since my granddad died last year.  It was nice, but painfully sad.  I miss him so much. I wish that my fiance could have met him, if I could change one thing in my life, that would be it.

I'm tired.  And I have to finish editing for a client. And then I have to go to work. And then I have to go work out. And then I can go to bed and start over tomorrow.

Have a great day lovies.

Love, Alice

Thrive.

I have never in my life wanted to be the blonde blue eyes popular girl. I have been irritated by them, shunned by them, and occupational befriended by them, but never have I said if only I looked like her. If only I acted like her. If only I was her.

Never.

I wanted to be an artist, a cowgirl, a veterinarian, a musician, a singer, a photographer, a writer, a dreamer, a lover, a wild child. I wanted to be the girl with the crazy hair who traveled the world, who wore whatever she wanted and felt great all the time.

Life is funny that way.

I got some of what I wanted, never all, but some. I play guitar, I sing, I write when I have the time, I dream constantly, I photograph everything, I live.  I try to live freer than those around me, even if I'm not as free as I wish I was. What they don't tell you as a child is how hard it is to make a living while dreaming your dreams.

Luckily my parents always told me I could be whatever I wanted as long as I prepared myself. So I've done my best to take my strengths and make them profitable while exploring all of my fantasies.

While all of my friends are choosing careers or marriage or schools, I'm trying my best to not choose. I want to go through life with my best friend, my husband, working hard to make it dreams come true, to only have children when I've seen enough of the world that I can show them how to thrive by the Grace of God. I don't desire to have a degree, or the debt that comes with it. A high and mighty career, with the time constraints that chimes with it, or a marriage that loses its meaning somewhere between the two. I want love, and life, and enough money to make ends meet without worrying about what it not we have enough extra to buy new shoes when we need it.

I want to thank God that I have just enough, even if that's all. I want to be happy, I want to be free. I want to be me.

Love,
Alice

One year

It's been a long, trying year, full of growing pains, love, and much realization. I've made new friends, and lost old ones. Helped friends find a new lease on life, and others to leave mine. Life changes, and it's not always easy, or bad. But here's my post for the 1 year since my first post;

Conflict makes me sad. When two people cannot possibly see the side of the other person and let it ruin their relationship. Whats worse is when it starts because one person is so miserable in their pain and suffering that they refuse to have even a normal conversation. Because they don't realize that hey, you have some serious dues to pay when you're in your early twenties! You are struggling with everything! Education, finances, relationships, wherever you are -I don't care if you are living at home, with your boyfriend/girlfriend, if you are married, if you are living in a college dorm or a tiny apartment or a giant house. It doesn't matter, because everyone struggles, everyone is trying desperately to figure out who they are and what they want. I'm doing better now, but it's still hard.  I'm not going to drag my friends down with it every single day, but it's there in the subtext of every conversation; we're young, we're struggling, we're broke, we're just trying to figure it all out and hoping that in 5 years we'll at least know what we want and who we are, if nothing else.  Don't let your misery convince you that your problems and your woes and your battles are deeper or more painful or bigger than the person sitting next to you, because you have no idea. Don't let your troubles become your Identity.  Find your center, find your faith, find whatever gets you through the day, and hold on tight, because it's bound to be a bumpy ride.

Love,
Alice

Contrary to your beliefs, the world does not, in fact, revolve around you.

I simply can't stand it.

The fact that some people are so caught up in their own issues, that they cannot seem to remember the people that help them out. Issues that they completely bring upon themselves, that they pretend to love.

If someone agrees to help you with something, you shouldn't expect them to wait on your hand and foot.you shouldn't expect them to pay for frivolous, ridiculous things that you wouldn't be willing to pay for. You shouldn't act like your needs are above their own, when you're so caught up in them helping you that you don't even bother to ask about them.about the new house they're about to buy, about the serious health issues that they've developed, about the the extra fucking credit card that they've considered getting because they want to help you so badly. but have no money left for your stupid whims.

Because they are the good friend. They are the friend who tries too hard, who listens to your stupid problems when they would rather do anything else, who is sympathetic to you even though they completely disagree with every single choice that you have made that brought you to where you are. When every body else looks at that friendship, they will judge you.

Because you are a bitch. Because you are selfish.because you couldn't care less about their problems, because you consider your wants to be above their needs. Sorry princess, have a nice life. No one does that to their friends and keeps them, think about that next time they help you.

If there is a next time.

Love,
Alice.

Just keep praying...

Today is the first time in a while I'm... hurting. Not like I have been... but how I was three years ago. Pain in my chest worry and hurt and fearful.  Are things going to work out? Am I making the right choices? Do I need to go to school? Do I need to get a government job? Worries that I've been praying for and praying for, are suddenly overwhelmingly terrifying.  My chest hurts, I feel scared... I just want to be okay. I feel like my Faith is slipping, and that I'm not good enough. Like everyone else has found better people to talk to and I'm sitting here wondering why all of the people whom I've picked up and carried through their pain and darkness have all abandoned me. I just need to keep praying..... keep moving forward... and leaving behind the people who've left me.

Love,
Alice

Poor little lovebirds.

Why do girls get hung up on guys who are bad for them? Seriously. I am a girl, and I've been that girl, and I got out, and I still don't freaking get it.  He doesn't trust you, he isn't nice to you, he doesn't respect you, and then when you finally think that you're going to leave, he brings out the roses, takes you to dinner and makes you laugh. "Of course I love him, why can't he be like this all the time, no one else is going to love me, I guess it's not that bad, okay I'll stay." Yeah, because that makes sense.  When you see your friends going through this crap, it all seems so clear to you. "Dump him! Leave his sorry ass! He's crushing your dreams and making you feel like you're worthless! It's not true! Just get away!" Yeah, that's what you tell your friend.  To not let a man hold her back.  But what about you? I've watched my friends go through this, I've watched them tell each other to get out, or that they're crazy, I've seen it all go downhill.  It doesn't make sense.

It all comes down to self worth, but you can't run from yourself.  You'll be with someone lame if you don't like yourself.  You'll marry the first guy who makes you feel special if you don't pay any attention to it.  Getting out of a bad relationship will either crush you or liberate you.  The crushed ones slowly drag themselves back up, see what was really going on, and move forward.  The liberated ones find somebody new, and start making stupid decisions right away.  Relationships are tricky.

I think that my favorite way that I've heard it was in the book "The five love languages".  Many variations of that book, all good, nay, fantastic.  Love them.  Anyhow, in the book it explains that during the first 6 months of any relationship is called the honeymoon phase (as if we all didn't already know that!) and in the honeymoon phase, you do not make ANY rash decisions.  Because you are in a state of euphoric obsession, of which your partner can do no wrong. He's amazing, he treats me right, he takes me to dinner, he buys me things, he listens to me, my parents love him -OR she's so funny, she's so classy, she's not a bitch, she's the only one who's ever made me feel like this, she's so much fun. You get the idea?

Not to say that those things go away completely after six months, but you finally understand each other. Some days you get under peoples skin, God forbid that you move in together, you know everything sooner.  Money opinions break out, one of you spends more than the other, one of you likes to go out more than the other, one of you cleans their clothes more often than the other, one yells more than the other, one eats totally different food than the other, one watches more tv than the other, one drinks more than the other, one expects more of the other. There is a lot of ground work that has to be covered before you can be truly happy together -and if you're reading this thinking that you don't have any of these problems, then I hate to break it to you- but you either haven't been with your person long enough yet, or worse you're not talking with your partner enough. Worse than that, maybe you have no differences. Maybe you are content to do everything together and to never speak with other people, maybe you are stuck in your own little love bubble and have no idea. It will all come out eventually.  Love hurts, love's hard, and love isn't always pretty.  But it is wonderful, and it is worth it, and I wouldn't have it any other way. Good luck guys.

Love,
Alice

Let go.

The tighter you hold on to yesterday, the faster it will slip through your fingers.

Seriously. I know a girl who hates everything, so obsessed with "the good old days" that she refuses to have any more good days ever. Hates her job, stays with her boyfriend not because she loves him but because he pays for stuff, hates her parents for getting divorced, hates everything for not working in her favor. But from the outside looking in, she's ok. Not ok on the inside, I'm not belittling depression in any way, because I've been there, and it's terrifying.not terrifying in the sense that it's what you feel, but terrifying in the sense that you cannot get out.it is your world. It is everything. It it's your outlook, your way of life, your permanent perspective of pessimism. One bad day leads to one bad thing leads to more bad things leads to more bad days, leads to despair.next thing you know, things are spiraling out of control in a hurricane of depression, and you're in the eye of the storm.everyone is on the outside, running from it, redirecting it, chasing it, trying to help - but you don't even realize it, because you're in the eye. You're sitting in a crowded room full of people who live you and you feel all alone. Helplessness all around. I've been there, and it's hard. And giving up sounds like not just a good option, but the only option. It fits from the back of your mind, to the front. A little voice, to your voice. Whispering, to screaming. It's horrible. People don't realize how horrible, until it happens to them, or it's too late.

But there is an escape. It's not fun, it's not easy, and it usually involves a slew of bad decisions that cause even more growing pains. But at least then you're starting to grow. You wake up, you drag yourself out of bed, you get some breakfast to go with that coffee, you get a better job, you see your friends every other day, you write down how you're feeling, and you make the ultimate choice to refuse to look back.you make a new life.you don't forget, but you don't let your past ruin you, because you finally start to realize that you're worth more than that.

It took me 8 months to climb out, to be better. 8 months, 2 equally depressed friends too battle it with me, a large number of regrets, and 1 final decision, that my life was my own. That Shit happens, sometimes you're gonna step in it and sometimes people are going to throw it at your face.you get over it, you move on, you figure out your passions, you hold your true friends close to you - and you wake up one day to realize that even if life isn't perfect, you're going to be ok.

Life isn't about clinging to the past, it's about creating your future. Always remember that. The best is yet to come.

Never, ever, give up.

Love,
Alice

God's gonna cut you down.

Why.

Why am I not good enough.

Why can't I fix everything.

Why do I feel useless and unwanted.

Why do I let it affect me so much.

Why do I feel like he's going to find new people to talk to because he's disgusted with me.

Why can't I work harder.

Why doesn't he care.

Why don't things get better no matter how hard I work.

Why do I feel like no one can hear me.

Why am I not happy.