Struggles.

Everyone struggles, some people just hide their pain better than others.  Every time you talk to someone on the street, see a person you know at church, or chat with your co-workers, we're all hiding something.  Everyone has an issue, everyone has a bad habit, and everyone is insecure in some way.  Some of these issues are things that you tell your friends, discuss with your partner, or maybe you just prefer to keep it all inside.  It's really up to you, but I can tell you from personal expierience that sometimes it's better to just let it all out.  Now I'm not talking about venting and totally ravaging someone's entire afternoon with your endless problems, but getting a second opinion is definetly more helpful.  And a little venting isn't all that bad.

Some people struggle with rumors, some people struggle with faith, some people struggle with self control, some people's struggles are so deep that they don't know how to tell anyone that they even have a problem.  Be sensetive, even if you don't really know how to help.  Sometimes all these people need to know is that not everyone on this earth is a jerk.  So be the not-jerk that proves it.

Love,
Alice

Fearless.

You know what I love? That moment when you meet someone so completely and utterly awesome that even though you know that everyone must be jealous of them, you can't help but adore them.  The people that make a real change, the ones who live their lives without fear of judgement or failure.  People like that leave me in awe, they inspire me to take charge and be fearless too!

The actual definition of fearless? "Free from fear or brave." According to the Merriam-Webster dictionary that is.

Of course, the Urban Dictionary version is always entertaining: "Being able to stare at someone in the eye as they hold a rubber band wrapped around their hand in the shape of the gun and not flinch."

But I think that I kind of prefer the Taylor Swift definition better: "Fearless is not the absence of fear. It’s not being completely unafraid. Fearless is having fears. Fearless is having doubts. Lots of them. Fearless is living in spite of those things that scare you to death. Fearless is falling madly in love again, even though you’ve been hurt before. Fearless is walking into your freshmen year of high school at fifteen. Fearless is getting back up and fighting for what you want over and over again… even though every time you’ve tried before, you’ve lost. It’s fearless to have faith that someday things will change. Fearless is having the courage to say goodbye to someone who only hurts you, even if you can’t breathe without them. It’s fearless to fall for your best friend, even though he’s in love with someone else. And when someone apologizes to you enough times for things they’ll never stop doing, it’s fearless to stop believing them. It’s fearless to say “you’re NOT sorry”, and walk away. Loving someone despite what people think is fearless. Allowing yourself to cry on the bathroom floor is fearless. Letting go is fearless. Then, moving on and being alright…that’s fearless too. But no matter what love throws at you, you have to believe in it. You have to believe in love stories and Prince Charming's and happily ever after. Love is FEARLESS."

Yes, I know, totally lame for a blogger to merely quote others when she's supposed to be depicting her own view on life.  So let me share my own view of what fearless means to me:  Fearless is being able to wake up in the morning wearing tights under your ripped jeans, a baggy rock n' roll t-shirt, crazy bedhead and sunglasses with no make-up and feeling beautiful because you know it doesn't matter what other people think.  Fearless is singing a song that you wrote from painful personal experience  on stage in front of the world and not caring.  Fearless is speaking your mind in front of a room full of people and being proud of it.  Fearless is moving forward from the past even when you have no idea what the future brings.  Fearless is traveling to new places and jumping in head first.  Fearless is trying new things and being okay with the fact that you just might fail more than once.  Fearless is hope, it's beautiful, it's never giving up because you know that tomorrow will be better.

I wish that I could be fearless more often, to not care what people say about me.  One day soon I hope that I can look at myself in the mirror and feel completely happy about who I am and what I look like.  One day. In the meantime, I am happy trying to get there, pushing a little harder, trying new things.  One day I'll be fearless too.

Love,
Alice

Blah.

I don't know quite what to say today.  It's just one of those days where I feel completely lost in my own life, like I have no business living it.  I don't know where I'm going, I don't even know where I stand sometimes.  I used to write songs whenever I felt like that, but the words never come as easily anymore.  It's just one of those days where you're not really sure what to do.  You go to work, you come home, you flounder around.  One of those days where you have to go to Wal-Mart just to remind yourself that you are not, in fact, at the very bottom of the social food chain.

It's on days like this that I should really stop trying to accomplish anything and just try to relax, to just remind myself that I am important.  I often forget that, that I do matter.  I don't generally think of myself as being something to devote time to -hence the reason that I leave clothes everywhere, forget to go to the library, or would rather buy things for other people instead of myself.  Days where I should really pick up the bible and read a book or two, but instead having to realize that my mind might as well have a "Battery power low" emblem flashing on my fourhead -so I usually just paint my nails, watch Netflix or read a fashion magazine.  Simple, mindless tasks. Maybe I'll go browse Pinterest if I care enough.  Hopefully the mundane factor of it all will give me enough energy to lead a normal life tomorrow when I wake up. Because today I don't want to do anything.

I hope all y'all's day is more productive than mine!

Love,
Alice

Speak now.

Beautiful words evoke emotion, that I very strongly believe.  Some day I hope to be able to tell stories in a way that force people to stop and reflect, to think about things that they've never thought of before, to remember wonderful things that they had forgotten, to take them to a place that they've never dreamed of before.  I want to be the person who shows them that new place in their mind, even if we never meet.

I wish that more people read books. Not just for educational purposes, but for satisfaction of the soul.  Stories that take you away, poetry that creates beauty in things that you merely walk by on a normal day, novels that speak volumes about feelings that you didn't know that you had because you couldn't find the right words to express them.

I admire quiet people at times, for they always seem to be in tune with themselves.  If more quiet people wrote down their thoughts and expressed themselves to the world, they could make such a difference.  Even stories like Twilight that have grown into huge obnoxious franchises, started out as merely a story in someones mind that they hoped would reach out and touch people.

My Grandfather once told me to never be profane, for there were too many words in the world to use the same few out of frustration and laziness.  He told me that I was too smart and creative to let myself fall into society's linguistically challenged trap.  This always amused me, because he was a man who rarely spoke, but he did read and he kept a journal till the day he died.  I would remember sitting next to the fireplace listening to him tell stories about my ancestors, riding across the country on horses, stories of him growing up in the south and on the run because of his father's criminal mob involvement. Listening to how he left and made a life for himself, hopefully one day my life's story will serve as at the very least entertainment for my own grandchildren.

People often think that their thoughts don't matter, a speculation that leaves us living our life day to day without giving us a chance to reflect properly or prepare for the future.  I have little hope for future generations who do not have the sensibility to learn from the past through words, nor do they have the vocabulary to properly express themselves.

Hopefully some will learn the magic of reading, and spread the word little by little every day.  Be one of those people.

Love,
Alice.

Maybe.

We all do it. We all look back, whether it’s looking back to last year or yesterday, we all look back and wonder what could’ve happened. Is it better that it happened and ended or to never happen and always wonder? There will always be a maybe. There will always be a slim chance that something could happen, there will always be a slim chance that something will go horribly wrong. And sometimes things go wrong, rarely all at once, but it does happen. People who you thought would always be there will let you down, people you love will hurt you, people you barely know can help you more than they will ever know in your time of need. And maybe sometimes all you need is to just push forward and leave it all behind. 

Take care of the people you care about, let go of the people who don’t care about you. People you expect to leave you just might be there after all and the one person you thought you could count on forever will not only leave you but will push you down when you least expect it. Maybe no one is who they seem on the surface. Maybe everyone needs a second glance. Then the bad days keep on coming, but in order to have a good day, sometimes you have to have a bad day. It takes a bad day to recognize a good day, and sometimes it takes many long bad days to show you that maybe, just maybe you’re strong enough to hold on and push through. Bad days that show you who is willing to stand by you and tell you that maybe you’re an alright person after all.

Sometimes you need someone to hold your hand and you just blindly put your hand out and you don’t know who will hold you up. Love doesn’t mean dependency, it means caring for someone no matter what happens to them. But no matter what happens, you have to take care of yourself. You can’t always depend on someone else to listen to your problems or be there for you, but sometimes they will be there anyways. Company doesn’t always mean security, sometimes you feel more alone surrounded by people than you ever will in an empty room because it feels as though no one will ever understand what you’re going through. There is almost always one person who will be there for you when you need them -sometimes it’s just hard to figure out who that one person is. Once you figure that out, you’ll be okay. You learn to accept what you cannot change, with grace instead of grief. You learn that not everyone believes that things will work out and you have to choose to not let them tear you down. You learn to make plans only for today because tomorrow isn’t always a guarantee. You learn that you really can grow past things and learn to be okay with how things have worked out, even if you still wish they had somehow been different. You can’t go back to yesterday because whatever happened that made you wish you could go back has already changed you. You became different than who you were. Which is never a bad thing. You learn that you are stronger than you ever thought you were and that you can make your own way. You might not remember every hello but every goodbye will be seared into your mind, even if only one of you knows it’s actually goodbye.

Anything you do at any given moment will never cease to astound or offend someone. Something as simple from the way you dress to the music you listen to, to your religion or political standpoint can affect what people think. So you might as well just do what you want and say how you feel. You just have to realize who you are and how you feel, because those who matter don’t mind and those who mind don’t matter. You will change, and so will your friends, just because you don’t share opinions doesn’t mean you can’t love them -but they might not always be able to handle it. In which case you have to let them go. If they come back then they always cared, if they don’t then maybe they never really did care. We all make mistakes, we’ve all been known to say something that we regret later or that we don’t really mean. Sometimes you have a right to be angry, but you never have a right to be cruel. You are responsible for what you do, not matter how you feel at that moment, so learn to control your attitude before it controls you. Sometimes you have to move forward and let it go, even if it can’t be fixed. Forgiving yourself is different than forgiving someone else. It’s harder. Forgiving other people sometimes means you’re just tired of trying. Forgiving yourself takes time, and sometimes encouraging words from someone who can see the real you even when you can’t.

We all lay there at night sometimes and wonder what would have happened had we said something else, something that would have made everything better or changed how it would’ve happened. But you know what, all of those moments that we want to change even just a little bit were moments that we couldn’t have predicted even if we had tried. So maybe it’s time to just lay back and breathe and realize that whatever happened was bound to happen anyways regardless of how we handled it. Life happens, sometimes you just have to let it happen. 95% of the time, what we’re worried about is in the past or in the future, but at that moment we’re perfectly fine -we’re just thinking too hard. Life is 10% the hand you’re dealt and 90% how you react to it. Futures change and people fade, dream for tomorrow but live for today. This is me, this is all that’s I am, take it or leave it. Everything that has brought me this far has made me who I am, every mistake that I’ve made has shown me who I’m not -and it’s going to take me a very long time to become the person who I want to be. The same for you. Our background and circumstances influenced who we are, but we are still responsible for who we become. The happiest people in the world don’t have the best of everything, they just make the most of everything. So just roll with the punches, love the people that you’re with -and believe that everything happens for a reason.

Love,
Alice

Fathers be good to your daughters, for daughters turn into lovers who turn into mothers, so mothers be good to your daughters too.

Being a parent is tough stuff, I get that.  No I'm not a parent, and I don't plan to be until I've lived my life and can happily dedicate every single day to my child.  THEN, I will be a parent.  I don't ever want to resent the tiny human that I'm raising to be a respectable member of society.

Parents are slacking off, it's obvious, or the word "Swag" wouldn't be as popular of a word as it is today. Girls today have the sense to idolize the strong femininity of Marilyn Monroe but lack the courage to even try to emulate her humor, innocence or outlook on life.  Instead, they blend with their friends while they dress and act in a way that makes Record company CEOs produce songs that refer to them as "Bitchez and hos".  That is the general population of the fourteen to nineteen age bracket for young women today.  The ones who are strong and attractive and faithful in their own way? No one wants to talk about them, because they are quiet and deemed boring.  Girls desperately want the love and respect of a man but don't know how to get it or how they actually deserve to be treated -hence the term "Daddy issues".  They go looking for something, trying to prove a point, and should they loop a young man into their personal issues, they drag them down as well.  Generally the young men are five to ten years older than they are, and fighting against their natural inner needs because they genuinely want to make the poor girl feel better.  But it all goes down from there: Girl breaks up with guy, guy goes into downward tailspin, girl finds new guy who treats her badly, girl feels even lonelier, Dad still doesn't know why his daughter has problems and refuses to diagnose that it's actually all his fault.  Yes, it all leads back to the parents.

The same with men.  Mothers generally try to do the right thing, unlike men they are born with the need to take care of their children, a connection that takes a lot to break.  But about half of the women in the country fall into something that declines their motherly skills, whether it be drugs, alcohol, sex, money, partying, or even a seemingly got-it-all-together woman who puts her career before her family.  Their daughters will generally forgive them for their absence, and find their typical growing-up questions answered by Aunts, Grandmothers, friends or friends' moms. The girls become a little more loose, hoping for their mother's attention, but will still be okay.  The sons of these women? The majority of them have "Mommy issues" -which stem from the lack of, well, mothering.  Many women expect their sons to be more observant of their surrounding males, they expect them to be okay growing up and "do what boys do" and then suddenly expect them to become men while still treating them as though they are five.  These boys usually do not find a mentor, or if they do then it's usually too late.  They don't open up and ask questions, instead they follow their friend's lead -which generally means drugs, drinking, obscene language, inappropriate movies/t.v. shows/reading material, lack of respect for most adults and a harsh view of women.  I'm not saying that all boys who resent their mothers have these qualities, just that their mothers need to realize that they are in charge of their sons first direction in life and solely responsible for his set of morals and view of women.  Men who resent their mothers or who are forced to find their own way become players.  They are surrounded by a society that will raise them to be men of the world, whether through college or military or a strong work enviorment.  Their life is not in jeopardy, merely their character.  Most of these men occasionally pursue relationships but always assuming that the women will leave or cheat or use them.  The same with "daddy issue" girls, they all lack trust and faith in humanity. 

Children need love, they need attention, they need guidance.  I once heard a quote that suits the situation well: "When your children are young, listen to the little things that they say so that one day they will come to you with the big things. Why? Because in their mind, they were all big things." That saying rings true with many youth, because the need to feel needed starts very young.  They don't just need to be told what to do, they need to be shown an example.  Children love their parents, even when their parents screw up as they inevitably do.  Children begin to resent their parents when they feel like a burden, forgotten, unwanted, unimportant -that's when they look for the attention that they need elsewhere.

Clearly this does not apply to all families, there are many families that know what is important, whether their family consists of one parent or two, with one child or many.  Those children often don't see how lucky they are until they are seven and eight years old, when they develop a strong interest in not just their world, but the worlds of others. That's when they begin to realize how different all people live their lives.

Parenting is a hard, daunting task.  A task that leaves many parents frustrated and exhausted beyond repair.  It tears apart many marriages and ruins many careers, because it is a career in itself.  Simple things to teach their children are still things that need to be repeated constantly.  Fathers need to tell their daughters to respect themselves, to be happy, that one day they will meet someone, that they are beautiful and smart and can do anything.  These are things that girls need to hear from their fathers, because often times their fathers are their sole example that good men exist in the world. They need to spend time with them, teach them how to fish and take them out on daddy/daughter dates and all those things.  Mothers need to do the same things with their sons, to teach them to cook, to respect women, to stay clean, to tell them that they are handsome and smart and to do what is right and that they can do anything that they put their mind to.  Parents are almost completely responsible for their children's confidence for the first fifteen to twenty years of their lives.  It's vital that they start early.

I admire parents, I think that they are some of the toughest and most loving people on this planet.  And for as many sad and desperate youth as there are in the country, there are many more who's mothers and fathers have really gone the extra mile.  I hope when I'm finally a parent that my children will be proud of me one day, that I won't fall into the category of the parents who just never understand.  All we can do is try, and never stop trying.

Love,
Alice

Run like the wind.

What do you do when you wake up? When you get home from work? In that little slot of time that belongs to you and only you?  For me it usually includes coffee, blogging, facebook, about ten minutes of this little online city building game that I'm addicted to, browsing Pinterest, checking my e-mail, reading a book or any combination of those things.  Occasionally it involves breakfast, and about half of the week it involves a good workout and a run.

I used to never run, not even a little bit.  I would get winded and cranky and for a quarter of a mile and be done.  Then when I was fifteen, my buddy's Dad got drunk and started making fun of me for my inability to run (what I failed to realize at the time was how stupid that was, because neither could he.) but it upset me, to the point where I pushed myself and started really running.  Six months later I could run three seven-minute miles consecutively, I was constantly hungry and high on endorphins. Eventually I balanced it out and just ran as a workout, not to prove anything.  I had new reasons that I wanted to run...

For normal people, these reasons include stereotypical things like feeling the wind in your hair, feeling like you're running away from everything, imagining running trails in the mountain, ultimate inner peace, stuff like that.

Me? I like running, because I know it's good for me, not because it's enjoyable.  But what really comes to my mind when someone talks about running? Zombies.

Hear me out:
Of course I want to feel good in my skin, to regain energy, to inspire myself to be healthier.  But seriously, I come from a family of loud men, and my fiance is no exception.  We have a thing for watching Zombie television together, as twisted as it sounds, we get quite a kick out of it.  The Walking Dead, Zombieland, Shawn Of The Dead, you name it.  Every time I think of running on my treadmill (the hamster wheel, as it is affectionately known in my house) I think of that one scene in Zombieland where they list all of the rules and "Cardio" pops up as one of them.  And then that fat kid gets totally eaten alive by zombies.  I always thought that would be a horrible way to go, and when the apocalypse happens maybe I'll be able to outrun something that's trying to get me.  So while outrunning zombies is not the most important thing on my motivational list, it is the most memorable.

I hope that your reasons are more sane than mine, but if they aren't, at least you're still running!

Love,
Alice

One day down.

Whoohoo! I survived my first day of work at my new job! And I am exhausted.  It's not as though I was learning an entirely new skill set... just... a million new details.  On the upside, I now have a retirement plan, so that's cool.  Or it will be in thirty years when I collect from it.  It's crazy and stressful and more exciting than the job I have now, and hopefully I get good enough at it that I actually start to really enjoy it.  We shall see.

Not to be brief, but as I previously mentioned, I am exhausted.  And my brain just doesn't seem to like me right now, it hasn't forgiven me for taking it to work with me.  I'm going to have to bribe it to go back, maybe a triple espresso will do the trick... anyhow, I will speak to you tomorrow dearies.

Love,
Alice

Working for the weekend.

Tomorrow I start my new job! No, I'm not quitting my old job, I'm just working two jobs.  Not sure how awesome that's going to be yet, but it won't be the first time that I've worked two jobs at once, so I can do it!

The nice part is that my new job is something that I've never done before, but aparently they thought I was qualified to do it, because they hired me.  The scary part is... well, that I've never done it before.  I honestly have no idea of what to expect, just the fact that they have lots of ideas of what I could do with it.  So we shall see! I think I'm a little more excited than I am nervous... but they're battling it out in my head right now, nervousness may totally win by the end of the day.  Not sure yet.  And I have to find something to wear. Damn.

But that's the way life goes, and not knowing what to wear to my first day of my new job is a helluva lot better than wondering how I'm going to find the money to fill up my truck next week, so it's a problem I think I can live with.  It's a new step in my life, I don't know yet if it's a big step or not, but it is a change.  It's potentially a job that I could have for quite a while, so that's awesome, what with stability and all.

So we shall see... life changes all the time, and hopefully this will be a small change for the better! A little more money, a little more stuff to do, a little less stress, and a lot more prayer... so wish me luck!

Love,
Alice

Something old, something new...

As someone who's planning their own wedding, it's as exciting as it is exhausting.  On one hand, how amazing would it be to throw a party to celebrate with all of our friends and family -on the other hand, how much simpler would it be to simply buy a pretty dress and elope.  Viva Las Vegas anyone?

It's easy to get caught up in all of the ideas that you have, how you want everything to be, the colors, the food, the dress, the location, the ceremony, who's in the wedding party, who's invited.  But in the end, a lot of the details aren't going to matter.  You'll have pictures, memories, and a marriage -and you'll have that at whatever sized wedding you decide on, whether you elope or invite three hundred of your closest friends it's all the same at the end of the day.

I wasn't one of those little girls who played wedding with her barbies and had my princess wedding gown all planned out.  My barbies were spies and secret agents, and I thought dresses were simply a horrible invention.  Now of course, I have outgrown my "Dresses are evil and boys are icky" but I'm still left with the fact that I never imagined a dream wedding when I was a little girl.  The only thing that I knew I wanted was that it had to be outside, and I wouldn't wear white. It seems scandelous that I resent white, but I'm so freaking pale that if you knew me you would know just how bad of an idea it really is for me to wear white.  So I'm find something Ivory, champaigne or something like that and roll with it.

It's kind of crazy how nosey people get once you put a ring on it.  Some people are super crazy happy for you, some people want to hear about the proposal, some people only want to know if they're invited to the wedding, some people assume that you're pregnant and an unfortunetly large number of people are totally unsuportive.  Not like it's any of their business, but whatever. It's not up to them who I'm choosing to spend the rest of my life with, and I feel lucky; because he's my best friend.

It wasn't hard for my fiance and I to realize that we wanted a small wedding, nothing too fancy, just us and our closest friends and immidiate family, reguardless of what people think.  I have my three best friends as my bridesmaids, it'll probably be a glammed up barbeque with a pretty ceremony, and that's about all I know.  We sort of know where, but it almost doesn't matter to me, because I just want to be married.  At this rate I probably wouldn't care if I got married at city hall, because you don't need to wait for that.  I don't need a ballroom with a horse drawn carriage and a veil, I just need him.  If I got married barefoot in a sundress I would be okay with that.  The best piece of advice I've found? "It's a party, not a preformance.  If at the end of the day you are married to the one you love, then everything was a success!"

That sounds just about right to me.

Love,
Alice

P.S.
Want to see real love? Click the link below, it's as heartbreaking as it is inspiring. A love story in twenty two pictures.

http://www.buzzfeed.com/txblacklabel/true-love-in-pictures-only-28m7

Promo time.

This is a girl whom I met through a Christian event, she's incredibly talented, a creative photographer, and and wonderful daughter of Christ who spends much of her time traveling around the world on missionairy trips.  She is a true inspiration, and I urge you to read her blog:

http://adventuretimeforrex.wordpress.com/2012/09/18/a-brief-glimpse/?blogsub=confirming#subscribe-blog

Love,
Alixe

Bucket list part two

It's easy to get caught up in day to day life, to simply move from one task to another without actually fitting in an activity that you find mentally or physically stimulating, or better yet something that grows you as a person.  Every year around this time I usually sit down and make a list of everything that I would like to do, places that I would like to go, and things that I would like to improve upon myself.  I find it to be a healthy dose of reflection, where I can really focus on who I am and pull at my flaws and talents and dreams and see what I can make of myself.  Think of it as a yearly bucket list, when I set short term goals, and throw in a few of my long term goals in life to keep it interesting.  For example, this is a portion of my long term list:

Learn to play the piano
Create a scrapbook of every little thing I've ever saved -pictures, ticket stubs, brochures, maps, all of it!
Create a popular blog
have kids
learn how to surf
learn how to bartend
get a tattoo
kiss in the rain
visit the walk of fame
Have my own personal library in my home
Have a dog for it's entire life
Go clubbing
Dye my hair a wild color
Get married
Buy a house

So for this year, I'd think it's safe to say that out of my long term list I can possibly learn to play piano, create a popular blog (okay, maybe not so popular, but hey, I've got to start somewhere!), get a tattoo, kiss in the rain, and maybe even go clubbing.  We shall see.  And since I am engaged, somewhere in there I will get married, but I don't know yet if it'll be this year or next year or five years from now.

But of course those are my long term goals that I'm hoping to accomplish, for this year alone I have a more exact list:

-I would like to start playing guitar at coffee shops again, preforming on the weekends and whatnot.  Because I truly miss it.
-I would like to keep in contact with one of my lovely best friends who is moving to another state.
-I would like to take better care of my body, to apply more focus to eating healthier and setting aside a little more time to work out.
-I would like to work on my relationship with God, to read my bible more frequently and maybe even find a new church that my hunny and I both enjoy going to.
-I would like to fix my car so that it doesn't make noises anymore.
-I would like to save up enough money to pay off the little debt that I have.
-I would like to move to a new house.
-I would like to plan my wedding with my hunny.
-I would like to write more often. Songs, stories, blogging, anything, as long as it focuses my mind and encourages the constant growth of my literal cortex.
-I would like to get better at Skyrim.  Don't laugh. I like video games, and anyone can kick my butt at this game, which is not cool.
-But if that falls through then maybe I'll just get better at Marie Bros.

See? It's not that hard to make a list.  I challenge you to do as I have done and really evaluate yourself: who you are, your talents, your friends, your job, everything -and make sure that you are headed in the right direction.  Change what you can, actively work towards what you want, and pray for the best.  Because you're worth it.

Love,
Alice

Bucket list part one

People say that life is short, but it's the longest thing that I have going on right now, so I tend to disagree. But it's got me thinking, about all the places that I'd love to see before I die.  Because as amazing as everything is in my life, there's still places on this earth that I think would be amazing.

First thing? Go on a road trip. Colorado -to see the sights and visit one of my best friends. Montana -Glacier National Park, searching for places to one day live.  Niagra Falls, West Arlington in Vermont, and hitting Tennessee before turning around -Nashville, the Horace Burgess Treehouse, everything. There's so much history in that state, and since most of it is music related and music is my favorite thing... you do the math! Seeing New Orleans, because at some point in my life I want to go to Mardi Gras.  Make our way through Texas -The Hamilton Pool Nature Reserve, The Alamo, Auston, Huston, and everything else! Deer Creek Canyon in Arizona's Grand Canyon National Park, and slowly make our way home.  Just take a month off from everything and have the trip of a lifetime.

At some point in my life I'd like to take Route 66 -Probably something I'd do when I have kids, because you can learn alot from a trip like that!

Hawaii -I don't care how steritypical it is, I want to go.  I've never been anywhere that's been considered even remotely tropical, I want to hike and surf and swim with dolphins and just have fun! Even if I have to go by myself.

Washington D.C. -I've been before, I've seen the Capitol and and the memorials, but there's so much rich living history that I feel like there's so much that I missed! I'd love to go again, it's such an expierience.

New York for the weekend-Robert Treman State Park in Ithaca, Broadway, Ellis Island, Grand Central Terminal, Central Park, Times Square, New York in the Fall, all of it.

Las Vegas, Nevada. Nuff' said.

L.A., California -Yes, I know, I've been there before.  But doing actual normal L.A. things? Not so much.  I would love to go back and really enjoy myself.


As for going out of the country, I have some other ideas:

Australia -Take two weeks with my hunny and see as much as we can: The great barrier reef, Sorrento Back beach, Kangaroo Island, See Newcastle, Go snorkeling, go on an outback road trip, the waterfalls, the opera house, possibly find P Sherman 42 Wallaby Way Sydney? I think yes.

Portugal -Because I'm half Portuguese and I think it would be phenominal to go back to a country of origin. The same with Ireland and Scotland! An overseas trip of these three places is something I would love to do at some point in my life.  I don't care if I'm seventy five when I finally go, I just think it would be incredible.

Rome, Italy -Piazza Campidoglio designed by Michalangelo, The Piazza Novana -home to two spectacular fountains designed by Bernini AND the church of Sant’Agnese, The Piazza di Spagna -the location of one of the most famous landmarks in Rome; the spanish steps, the stairway leading up to the Trinità dei Monti church and featuring a lovely fountain by Bernini. To take a picture of the colossal Colosseum on the Oppian Hill across from the Ruins of Trajan's Baths.  The Temple of Vesta, The Mouth of Truth, The Pantheon, Santa Croce in Gerusalemme, the MAXXI Museum. Yes, someday.

France -Paris.  The Eiffel tower, the Orsay Museum, The Notre Dame Cathederal, the Catacombs of Prais, The Town Hall,  Lovely. Not for a long time, but maybe in ten years just to fly over and see the city in a weekend, that would be amazing.

The French Polynesian Islands. -Beautiful.  I want to stay in one of those little huts on the water, how perfect would that be?  My dream honeymoon location.  Probably won't happen, but at some point I would love to see this place, maybe when I visit Australia.

Who knows when or how all of this will happen, but God didn't put me on this earth to sit in one spot, that much I know.  Don't let your life hold you back, encourage yourself to live it!

Love,
Alice

One road town.

Have you ever noticed how the people who are the absolute most desperate to leave a small town are the people with no ability to do so.  They have no college plans, military plans, travel plans or job plans.  None.  They just whine about their lives and want out and blame all of their shortcomings on their hometown -instead of coming to terms with their faults and creating a plan for their lives.

The biggest culprit of this lifestyle that appears to be so popular nowadays? Fear.  Plain and simple.  No one wants to get hurt, to be rejected, to lose money, to lose friends, or whatever other hangups they've created in their mind.  Things that are all bound to happen if you, well, live your life.  People that have these issues are also surprisingly unaware that these are the very things that are keeping them away from the life they so loudly desire.  A life that they should very much go after and possibly have -if they gather up enough brain cells to get over themselves first.

No one is perfect, but the place that you live certainly isn't to blame for holding you back.  It's to blame for your outlook on life, it's probably the reason that you're either innocent or jaded, and it's certainly the reason for most of your hobbies.  But forcing you to stay? Really? No.  The only person holding you back from leaving is you.  People come up with countless excuses to stay when all they really want out of life is to leave.; they want to stay close to their family, their friends need them, their car isn't fun to ride in for long hours, they don't save up enough money, ect. ect. ect.

It's a lie.  I was afraid to travel on an airplane, but I knew that I wanted to travel.  So I got on one, and you know what -the scariest part about it was that stupid metal detector.  But I made it out alive, and I can't wait to travel again.  It wasn't the airplane's fault that I wasn't traveling before, it was me.  I was holding myself back.  So don't hold yourself back -go out for that job that you really want, even if you might not get it.  Convince yourself to save up, because you're more important than the little things you spend money on.  Your friends and family will be happy for your choices in life as long as you are happy, so don't saddle them with the excuse that they need you, because they will be just fine.  You can always come home, just don't let the fear of striking out keep you from playing the game.

Love,
Alice

Be their light.

Helplessness, I believe I've merely touched on the matter that I despise that concept.  That feeling of knowing that whatever happens, nothing that you do will help.  Most times I can avoid that feeling, other times I feel like there's no way I can get away from it.  Because helplessness simply breeds more helplessness, soon enough you're stuck in a hole.

In my case, it comes from sitting next to my best friend and even though we're having fun and talking and watching T.V., she's hurting.  She's drowning in a pit of everything that's gone wrong, to a place where hope hides from you and waits for someone else to find it for you.  A place where family breaks apart and home is a feeling that you can't remember and love is a myth.  Love is a myth that's replaced with lies and angry words and repeats of "I'm sorry, I promise it'll never happen again baby".  There's no comfort in that.  And everything else goes wrong on top of that.  Superficial wordly things that just add to the distress of everything else -cars, money, jobs, everything. Pretty soon you only listen to dark and angry music full of pain and profanity, because it's the only thing that will subdue the feelings.  Before things go extreme.

That's where she is.  Drowning.  And even if I'm sitting right next to her, hugging her, telling her that everything will be okay and I'll never abandon her -sometimes it seems like I might as well be pounding on bulletproof glass while she sits inside the aquarium, deaf, with the water rising all around her.  No amount of hope can find it's way into a cage like that.  Hope floats, and sometimes you just don't have the strength to swim anymore.  Sometimes drowning actually sounds kind of nice, because then you wouldn't have to hurt anymore. Then you wonder if anyone would care if you did drown. That's how these things happen.

All I can do is try to be there for her, try to be her rock in this windstorm. Try to show her that no matter how bad these things go, that life will improve. Things can always get better, and you don't have to let your own morals fall just because it's easier to blend in with your surroundings. You don't have to fail, even when you can't bear yourself to try anymore, you don't have to fail. Sometimes all I can do is pray for her, offer to help her in anything that she needs.  Show her that she can succeed, and that people do love her.  Because no matter how hard a day is, if you wake up the next morning then you are a success, because the Lord still has plans for you.

These are concepts that are difficult for many people to grasp; a pain and self loathing that runs so deep that you don't know how you got there and you don't know how to get out.  Maybe you don't even care to get out.  I've been there before, if enough pain and rejection and lies enter your life, you're bound to find that place.  It's a dark place, sometimes people just can't find you before it's too late.  Sometimes you forget that there is a plan for you, that you're alive for a reason.  In a way you become the opposite of who you used to be, because all of the help that you've tried to give has been thrown back in your face, turning you into a selfish and self serving person -because naturally, no one can feel as hurt as you.  Everyone is fighting their own battles, never underestimate the depth of someone's pain because you just might be their only hope.

Sometimes it's easy to assume that they will be okay, to simply pray that God will put someone in their life to help them and move on from the issue.  But what if God put YOU in their life to help them?  What if you are that one person, and you walk away.  You can't walk away.  You can push away the guilt and the feelings from it all, but what if they take extreme measures? What if they give up? Could you handle the guilt of knowing that you had a part in that? No.  Very few people can.  Do for them what you would want someone to do for you, should you ever find that dark place.

1 Corinthians 10:13:
No temptation has overtaken you that is not common to man. God is faithful, and he will not let you be tempted beyond your ability, but with the temptation he will also provide the way of escape, that you may be able to endure it.

Matthew 11:28-30:
"Come to Me, all who are weary and heavy-laden, and I will give you rest. "Take My yoke upon you, and learn from Me, for I am gentle and humble in heart; and you shall find rest for your souls. "For My yoke is easy, and My load is light."

Isaiah 41:10:
'Do not fear, for I am with you; Do not anxiously look about you, for I am your God. I will strengthen you, surely I will help you, Surely I will uphold you with My righteous right hand.'

Jeremiah 29:11-13:
'For I know the plans that I have for you,' declares the LORD, 'plans for welfare and not for calamity to give you a future and a hope. 'Then you will call upon Me and come and pray to Me, and I will listen to you. 'And you will seek Me and find Me, when you search for Me with all your heart.

Be their light, don't give up.  Show them that they're not alone.

Love,
Alice

Back in time.

Do you ever wonder what you would have done differently as a teenager, if only someone had known what was really going on inside your head.  If they had, maybe they would have been able to give you the advice that you truly needed to hear? Maybe you would've mande the right choices, maybe you wouldn't have been so depressed, maybe you would've treated someone much differently.  I've been thinking this morning, about who I used to be. I wasn't a bad person, not at all, but I'm sure if I'd only known, things would not be as they are.

Dear seventeen year old me,

You're a bi-polar little weirdo aren't you?  One minute you're thrilled with your newfound freedom and your life, and the next you're completely depressed.  You know why that is? Because your friends are bi-polar little weirdos.  Not all of them but two of them.  Two girls that you're conviced will have your back forever, which isn't true.  They're about to rip you apart out of jealousy, and it's going to hurt like a bitch.  But you'll survive.  In the end, they'll be the ones hurting and you will find other people who are healthier to be around.  Guys and gals alike, who just want to hang out.  Say goodbye to sleepovers, and hello to movie nights, drive ins, and taco bell runs.  The best part? There will be no drama whatsoever.  You'll love it.

Help out your family more, I know you hate living at home and are counting down the days till you can leave, but there's no need.  Family is important, and they need you as much as you hate to admit you need them.  You'll be fine, you'll even learn more patience.  Unfortunetly, you will always hate washing dishes and cleaning the bathroom. Sorry about that.

I know you work out like it's a drug.  But you need to take a break.  You're only running five, six and sometimes seven miles a day because you're afraid of what people think of you.  You can't outrun those people, and running like you're the Flash won't fix all of your problems.  Keep working out, but tone it down a bit.  Work out to feel good about yourself and your clothes, not to try to be as skinny as your tiny stick friend.  It's just not going to happen.

I know you think that it doesn't matter what Music you listen to, that the amount of profanity in some songs isn't a problem, but it does matter.  Because what goes into your head comes out your mouth, it changes the way you think and it dulls your senses.  It makes awful language and subject matter go from exciting to just normal.  Don't let that be your normal.  Not that you can't ever listen to Disturbed or Eminem ever again, just... no.

It's okay that you don't like going to church, because you'll get over that.  Those little hang-ups you have about church are because of how they treat your friends.  And while it's good to be careful about how the people you love are treated, remember to see both sides of everything.  They might have had their reasons.  Plus, that's not why you go to church, as you'll soon find out.  You go to worship God, not to deal with petty selfish people.  Yes I know that you pray multiple times a day, but you just need to get over the fact that no church you ever go to will make you feel as good as the church you went to when you were growing up, it's an adult world now, everything's different.  Don't let people and circumstances keep you from worshiping God.

Congratulations on graduation high school a year early! You worked your ass off for this, and you deserved it.  Now that total moment of confusion over what to do with your life? That will get worse when you're eighteen, but then it'll be gone.  One day you'll finally realize that you're okay and be at peace and you won't feel the pressures of life and everyone else.  You'll be happy.  Better yet, next year you'll discover one of your true passions: Travelling.  Not just camping or hiking or going on training errands for the weekend, I mean really living.  You'll take your first airplane and travel to Texas, Maryland, Washington D.C., Philadelphia  Delaware, New Jersey and New York.  You'll be hooked, you'll constantly be planning your next trip and you won't stop.  You'll know what you want out of life: To play music, to be in love, and to see the world.  A hippy romantic view on life, maybe, but it's worth it -because it's what you love.  Never give up on that.  Don't wait till you're old and dead, do it when you're young, when you're married, when you have kids, when you're retired, all of it.  Live your life, don't let things like time and jobs hold you back.  Make time, save money.  Do it.

Thank you for not doing drugs, or wasting your reputation and health on stupid parties or getting wasted.  Thank you for realizing that you deserve more than that.  Thank you for not smoking pot even when you were terribly depressed and everyone told you that you should try it sometime.

Thank you for finally getting your freaking drivers license.  Now, that wasn't so hard was it?  Don't speed, even when you know you won't get caught.  Driving is a priveledge, not a right.  Don't text when driving, don't drink when driving.

Apreciate what you can, and be nice to everyone.  You've seen the dark side of cancer, you saw the little girl  whom you've known for ten years die a horrible year long death from her fight with cancer.  You've worked with those kids and seen them die from illness and broken bodies.  Take care of those around you, don't let them suffer.  Don't move on when you see someone hurting, always offer to help them.

I know that you love the ranch that you're working on, but it won't last.  Just remember that good things fall apart so that better things can fall together.  And keep remembering that when you're working at that Toy Store for the next six months of your life.  That's somewhere in the middle, it's a horrible job, but you do learn from it.  And after you finally get the sense to quit, you get the best job that you could possibly ask for -great location, great pay, great boss.  Things will get better!

That guy that you like?  The one that you were dating for a while?  Let it go.  You were best friends for eight years, you could have still been best friends, but no.  You guys had to go and start dating.  It's going to end, it's going to be horrible, you're going to want to die, you're going to lose your other best friends at the same time, you're going to cry yourself to sleep every night, you're going to feel alone and desperate.  You're going to write a lot of songs because of it.  And just when you think it can't get much worse, you're going to have an asthma attack that nearly kills you.  It will hurt so bad that you wish it would just kill you.  But you'll get over it.  You'll come home from the most expensive emergency room visit you've ever had, and you'll slowly get better.  You'll reconnect with a girl who will slowly become your new best friend, even if it starts because you're both in horrible emotional pain.  You're going to start singing again, and get really good and preform twice a week because you love it.  You're going to dye your hair bright red and really figure out who you are.  And when you do, you're going to love it.

And right when everything is finally coming together again after months upon months of growing pains, you're going to meet a guy who makes you laugh, and smile, and feel important.  And I'll let you find out where that goes for yourself.  But I promise, everything will be completely worth it.  Just hang in there, work on your attitude, and don't give up.  Whatever you do, don't give up.  You're worth it, your dreams are worth it, your future's worth it.  You're going to have a beautiful life, just keep it up!

Love,
Alice

Payday.

It's Saturday... prime day of the week for unneccisary spending.  As a person who is currently making minamum wage, struggling to save cash, and actively ignoring the excessive clanking in my truck's engine that practically begs for a trip to the mechanics, needless to say I try to save as much money as I can.

Now I don't tend to think that I lead a high matience lifestyle, however I do have my vices.  I like going out to eat, not often, but I like going out for chinese food.  And coffee.  Aside from the fact that I can easily make both of these things at home, it's still different.  It's a whole expierience, getting out of the house and relaxing away from everything you have to do.  Plus it makes for a great date night in if neither one of you want to cook, you just rent a movie and get takeout.

But still, even though I'm constantly searching for a second job, I have to make cuts now.  So here are some of the things that I'm trying to do, even if I do not always succeed.

1. Attempt to pay off my credit card.  Now, I don't have as big a credt card limit as a lot of other people, but debt is debt.  And I really don't want mine.  So I try to pay double my credit card bill, I pay the balance when it's due and then two weeks later I try to put down the same amount.  It usually works, and it definetly helps.

2. Eat in.  So this goes with the whole eat-chinese-food-and-drink-coffee-at-home thing.  Chinese take-out is only $7.00 a meal if you get a lunch special, but every weekend adds up.  Coffee on the other hand, if you like yours with extra expresso like I do, you could spend five bucks a pop.  Not awesome.  So even though although it would be awesome to cut out altogether, I still want to have a life.  So once a month I usually do these things anyways.  I want to save money, not become a miserable shut-in.

3. Thrift stores.  They sound icky on contact, but there are much worse things than buying used.  You're not always going to be unlucky enough to pick up herpes from a funky thirft store find.  I'm not saying go to the thrift stores that smell like 109 year old women, just normal thrift stores where you can pick up books, music, movies, furniture and even clothes sometimes.

4. Library.  Libraries are awesome, free entertainment that should really be utilized more! It's like shopping without money.

5. Shop online.  Always google coupons and save codes for that site before you checkout, it's worth it!

6. Have a cash jar.  All the extra change and loose $1s and $5s get put in the jar, I'm always surprised how it adds up after a few months.

So we shall see how this all goes, as much as I'd love to see a large sum of money in my bank account, I still like to have fun.  However, saving money creates a great peace of mind.  So hopefully I remember that next time I am out and about.

Love,
Alice

Stick together.

Alas, life is not easy. Relationships are not easy. They are one of those things where you have to keep communicating to keep everything well oiled and strong. You can't let little words slip out if they're not what you meant, because one of the worst things you can do is say things that you can't take back. Be slow to anger, relay your frustration as calmly as you can and with respect. Keep your fights above the belt and don't say things that you know will hurt just because you're angry, because those are the cracks that last long after the fight is over.

That being said, don't ignore the arguments that you need to have in order to get your feelings out there, learn from it, and grow. That's probably one of the hardest parts for me; the fighting. I was one of those children who spent the majority of my childhood cringing when people yelled and constantly trying to make everyone happy. It worked then, not now. Now I have to work on myself as well, because in order to grow in your relationship you have to grow as a person. Being with someone isn't about staying the same, it's about growing together. Something that get's tensed and stressed as more and more things worm their way between you two: Money, jobs, unsupportive people, the mistakes that you both are bound to make. These are things that can all be figured out and worked through fairly easily, as long as you both are willing to admit your shortcomings and put the other person first.

The easiest way to grow together? Just listen. Always listen. Don't ever tune out, just try to hear the other person out and understand where they're coming from. Even if you don't agree, don't make them feel invalid or stupid about their thoughts or opinions. No one wants a power struggle, sometimes that means ignoring their faults and focusing on their strong points, to encourage them to try new things, and support them in their dreams. Especially if they don't succeed. On that note, make an effort to be happy. To be adventurous and to constantly be trying to learn more about your partner, because one of the saddest things in a relationship is when people get to comfortable -they don't dress up, they don't date, they don't care. Even little things like going at getting coffee together are important.

Tell them you love them, every day. Because you see them for who they truly are, not how they see themselves, not how others see them, just as themselves. You know that they are incredible, even when they don't, so it's important to remind them. Love is hard, but it's worth it. Never give up on someone when things get hard, love them even more fiercely, because everything will be okay in the end.

On that note, I leave you to celebrate your Friday. Somehow my mind always thinks that Friday is a good day to quote the abomination of a song by Rebecca Black. Darn it. I urge you to take your weekend and have fun! Take your hunny out on a date, see your friends, try something new, anything! Just make it happen.

Love,
Alice

Fight Club.

Fighting sucks.  Not street fighting, or any kind of physical fighting, but word fighting.  Yelling and cussing and being indignant.  It's awful.  The kind of fighting the hits you where it hurts and doesn't stop, the kind of fighting that leaves you with wounds deeper than bruises.  Words that can't be unsaid.  Not the kind of fighting where you're annoyed and you get mad and you're trying to sort something out, the kind of fighting that hits below the belt.  The kind of fights you can only have with someone who knows how to get under your skin and push all the right buttons to disarm and leave you speechless.  The kind of fighting that makes people seem ugly, the kind of fighting that you lose friends over.

I've lost friends through it, it sucks.  Even more so when they go and pretend that they're the victim afterwords.  I've never started a fight like that, but I've finished them.  That's almost the worst part, knowing that even though that person had days, weeks, or months to come up with all of the right words to take you down -that you have the ability to stop them in their tracks and win on the fly.  That was always the worst part for me.  Not being attacked by someone, but winning.  Because the loser walks away with massive emotional wounds, and half the time these fights happen with your friends.  Friends that need you both to step down and help each other instead of hurt.  Friends that usually get hung up on petty jealous things, like clothes or cars or money or relationships.  Things that are different for each of us and rarely are all of the gritty details exposed.  They think your life is easy because you don't complain, and they strike.

It's a terrible thing to start a fight, it's worse to finish it, and everybody walks away limping like a kicked dog.  Nobody wins.  Never underestimate the amount of pain someone is in, because everyone's hurting -some people are just better at hiding it than others.

Love,
Alice

Push.

The best advice is always the hardest to follow.  Example: Be yourself.  As a child you're told this and you think "how could I possibly be anyone else? That's rediculous, I'm already myself."  And as you grow older, you somehow lose yourself, and when you finally get told that advice again, you're stumped. It's not a matter of being yourself, it's suddenly a matter of finding yourself.  "Who am I?" is the question you ask yourself more than anything else.  All of the possibilities, between school and friends and life choices and all of the pressures that come with it.  What do you like? What do you not like? Do you want to be a party animal or a straight A student? Do you want to dye your hair black or green?  Do you want to work at McDonalds or in an office? Questions that you're convinced will surely change you into someone you may not want to be, if you're not careful.  Some are very careful, others would rather yell out Y.O.L.O. and see what happens to them.

In the long run, somewhere in the next ten years of your life, you figure out that "being yourself" means to do what makes you feel at home wherever you are. As Howard Therman once said: “Don’t ask what the world needs. Ask what makes you come alive, and go do it. Because what the world needs is people who have come alive.” And he's right.  The world will always have busy workers, people who tried and gave up to find out how to "be themselves".  The world doesn't need anymore of those people, because anyone who truly loves where they are has worked hard to get there.  They've faced relentless rejection and harsh circumstances, countless people telling them it wasn't for them, or that they should do something else, or worse yet: that they wouldn't amount to anything.  These people are toxic, or worse yet trying to use you for their own agenda.  As difficult as it is, sometimes taking years it seems, you must push forward.  The great writers were ALL rejected, some even passed away before their brilliance was discovered.  Great musicians were turned down, business men, inventors, all of them.  Albert Einstein was told he would never amount to anything.

Where am I going with this? NO ONE has the right to tell you who you are.  No one should be able to push you around.  Don't ever let anyone feel like you don't deserve what you want, go for it.  Whether it be writing, music, inventing, teaching, working with animals, or any other career or dream that you know you're destined to have.  God puts these desires in your heart for a reason, he never promised that life would be easy -only that it would be worth it.  So persevere, push your way forward.  Don't let other people push you around.  Deep inside, you have the answers.  You know who you are, and you know what you want.  So with that I repeat: "Be yourself."

Love,
Alice

Have you forgotten?

It's Patriot Day today.  I don't care what conspiracy's you believe about 9/11/01, it's a day never to be forgotten, because people lost their lives.  So I challenge you to remember, exactly where you were when the world stopped turning?  What were you doing when you heard the news?

I was camping.  Every year in the fall my family would go camping a few hours away, we would take a week or so and get away from it all.  Pack up the dogs, some camp style food and clothes that could get super dirty.  No computers, no cell phones, no way to connect with the outside world.  We were set.

So there were were, camping, fishing, chilling out.  Then my brother goes and melts his only pair of tennis shoes by propping up his feet on the metal fire pit.  So on September 12th, 2001 -the day after the attack, we went to the local Wal-Mart to find my brother some new shoes.  Some people were shopping as though nothing had happened, some people were wandering around talking in hushed tones, some were crying.  My mom took my brother over to find shoes and my dad and I realized that the T.V. screens weren't showing their normal run of cooking recipes and commercials.  They were playing the news, with subtitles.  The news showed all of the pictures, all of the interviews, all of the information that they had -which at that point really wasn't much.  In a wave of overwhelming shock, we realized that America was under attack.

That being the the second to last day of our camping trip, we went home the next morning back to the real world.  A world that was binding together and falling apart all at the same time.  Friends who had family that were near the towers who were sick with worry, bomb threats and conspiracies running rampant in the news, and then the war.

We all know how it went down after that, eleven years later everything has already gone down and people have moved forward with their lives.  The movies and documentaries have been made, the country songs have been written, and the freedom tower is well underway.  But that doesn't mean that we shouldn't take a moment or more to remember what befell America on that day.  To remember the fallen and pray for our troops, the people who continue to protect our country.  On that note, I leave you to contemplate your day.  9/11.

Love,
Alice

Marriage.

People don't teach marriage anymore.  I know, I sound crazy, but hear me out.  Society doesn't like marriages.  Society likes weddings, because they're expensive.  And they like divorces, because they're often loud, ugly and full of alimoney paperwork, and there's nothing society likes quite like entertainment value.

Marriage isn't just an act of love, it's a lifestyle.  It's typically a lifestyle you only consider if A) You're really religeous.  B) Your parents are happily married and have set a good example or C) You've actually met somebody that you believe to be your soul mate.  If it's any combination of the three, you're probably going to get married at some point in your life.  If it's one or none, then you might not care.

Children are taught to lead by example, taught to learn from their life experiences and from their parents.  If they're parents aren't happy (or whoever is raising them) then they will grow up calloused.  If their parents have difficult jobs, they will grow up jaded.  If their parents aren't there, they will grow up resentful.  Worse than that, they will take ques from their peers, who are equally troubled if not more and meant for camaraderie, not for guidance.

Marriage is a constitution that really only enters your mind if you have living proof, and there are so many people in the past twenty years who have no example of a happy union.  Not to say those people don't turn out fine, because the majority of them do.  The majority of them go on to have great careers, partners, travels, and some even become parents.  Everyone's life is different, and many truly are happy.  Some people think that they want to get married until they realize how difficult it is to find someone that you would actually consider spending the rest of your life with, especially if you've had a bad run of relationships.  Marriage is not for everyone, but times are so different now that many people don't even consider it a viable option anymore.

Don't get me wrong, I think that as bad as the government and the economy is right now, people themselves have more freedom than ever.  They can dress how they want, act how they want, and do whatever they want.  Now women can not only vote, but run for political office.  A career possibility I had considered if the college degree in political science didn't take ten years or more of my life.

People don't teach marriage to children anymore, they teach them that life includes a checklist of things you have to do before you can consider marriage.  A list that usually includes things like "Get good grades, go to college, get good job, pay off student loans, travel, buy house, figure out your hobbies, save up $25,000. THEN find the person you want to spend the rest of your life with.  Because children can only focus on so many things at once, they will focus on the first half of the list and leave the rest for later. Or never.

Not that it's bad to be a child of this generation, after all, I am one.  I was told this list by everyone EXCEPT for my parents, who taught me from a very young age that I could be or do whatever I wanted to and they would always be proud of me.  And now I live in a world where that's possible.  So while I was thought to be crazy by all of my relatives and friend's parents, I could move about freely knowing that whatever choices I made, my parents wouldn't judge me.

So nowadays, you either follow the list, die trying, or go completely off course altogether.  The nice thing about society these days is that it does not really matter what you end up doing, it's now politically incorrect to judge anybody.  People are told to follow every rule, but also to celebrate their inner freak.  How else could we have gotten such people as Lady Gaga? Craziness.  People who want to follow the list will, and people who have their own ideas will make their own lists.  People that want to get married will, and people who want to play the field will.  That's really all there is to it, the only difference nowadays is that people really won't be as judged as they would have previously for doing what they want to.  No one is really pressured into doing anything anymore.

America is a free country, as long as people act and vote properly, it can stay that way.  It's designed by our forefathers, lived by the people, ran by the government, and protected by our brave service men and women.  People risking their lives to protect your freedom to do whatever you would like.  The freedom go to college or not, to have a career or build a business, to travel or not, to be married or not.  The choice is yours, whether you've been taught our not.

Love,
Alice

A little promo.

I must admit, I don't follow a large number of blogs.  I think it's because I'm on the computer so much at work and then writing and music and being outside when I get home, that I just don't follow as many as I would like.  However, this is the blog that inspired me to start one.

This blog is called Dear Mom, and it is written by a girl I met several years ago.  She is truly an inspiration, and I urge you to read her blog from beginning to end:

http://loveyourbabydoll.blogspot.com/

Love,
Alice

Mentors

Food for thought: You become like the five people whom you spend the most time with.  Interesting isn't it?  For most children that means the habits of their parents and the tendencies of their best friends.  For teenagers that generally means whatever group of friends you have.  Or if you were as lucky/unlucky as I was, you might have also had a mentor.

I didn't plan on having one, but it did happen.  I met her when I was fifteen, at a meeting.  She was asking  for volunteers for her therapeutic riding center (for those of you who don't know, that's where physically and mentally disabled people can learn to ride horses.)  The next morning I called her and set up an interview and the rest was history.  For more than two years I worked for her, volunteering the first year and then at sixteen years old I was making $12.50 per hour.  That alone ruined me, I only went out for jobs where I made at least $12.50 per hour after that.

I loved that ranch.  On normal days my mom would drive me out (I couldn't afford to get a license at the time) I would work for four hours or so, taking care of the horses, training them, riding them, cleaning stalls, cleaning tack, feeding them.  Indulging my country girl lifestyle, being a real ranch hand.  The other half of the time I was teaching the disabled children.  It was amazing.  My initial draw was for the horses, something I didn't have in my life but felt desperately drawn to.  I ended up loving teaching this disable kids how to ride horses.  Every day I taught two lessons, those were my students that I shared with another volunteer.  Every lesson we groomed, trained and rode the horses.  It was wonderful.  Six years later I still have my old students come up to me and talk to me.

In the beginning I worked for four hours a day, three days a week.  When summer took off, I would work ten to twelve hours a day, five or six days a week.  Riding lessons, summer camps, field trips, pasture cleaning, everything.  It became not just a place to be with horses and teach kids, but a place where my friends were as well.  One of the staff members and I became very close, I eventually became friends with her brother as well.  I reconnected with girl whom I was friends with when I was very young.  My best friend at the time started coming out and volunteering with me, and I made two new friends who were my age -and many who were adults and older women.  The other two girls I met are now two of my closest friends, one of them is the Maid of honor in my wedding, the other is a bridesmaid.  Just imagine how different it all would be if I never made that phone call?

Back to that mentoring part; how could I not admire the woman who made all of this possible for me? Who ran a non profit business out of her own home and ranch to help these children? Who helped me and my friends to have not just a great work environment, but a new family.  Not to say I was the only one who put her on a pedestal, but we did.  She had what I envisioned to be the perfect life: She was married to an amazing guy, she had two awesome kids, she had a great ranch with a beautiful home that her husband built for them in the mountain and they always seemed happy.  Everyone loved her, I wanted to be more like her.  My job eventually worked into something much more, my mentor and I set up a club for the kids at the ranch, to come and have fun any time they liked.  We were actually able to get a horse to rehabilitate with the kids to help give them a sense of accomplishment.  I went with her everywhere to give speeches about what we were doing, to raise funds and awareness, to help these kids.  The project gained enormous attention in the community for the two years that it ran, for the first year it was everything that we wanted it to be, but the second year everything started to change.

The ranch neighbors were complaining about the dust on the dirt road that everyone needed to take to get up to the ranch, the county got involved and two months later the ranch moved.  The barn, the arena, the horses, everything went with us.  The business was moved to a very public ranch next to a highway, it was loud and obnoxious.  Our secluded hideaway of a ranch was gone, but we still had hope.  We cleaned up the shack of a house for their family to live in, we ripped out dead vineyards, tilled ground, planted trees, rebuilt barns, built fences and pastures and arenas -essentially started from scratch and had the whole place up and running in a matter of weeks.  We thought everything would go back to normal, but it didn't.

That summer, we got invited to go to a state horse event.  An event that brought a third of the country's horse people and trainers all together in one place -an event that had contacted us and wanted us to be presenters.  We were ecstatic!  My mentor picked me and three other girls from the ranch to ride up with her and stay there for the weekend to help her take care of the three horses that we took and help give the presentations.  It was on that weekend trip that we discovered that she was divorcing her husband.  That he had already bought a new house and had taken the kids and moved out, and this all came about because her new boyfriend showed up at the event.  The man who had donated four of our beautiful horses over the last two years, now we knew why he was so generous.

To a lot of people, divorce is no big deal.  But to us, it was heartbreaking.  This was the woman that could do it all, the woman who we all wanted to be, who had the ranch, the family, and the career that was making a difference.  The woman who apparently was cheating on her husband.  It hurts, to have a mentor ripped away from you like that.  I was confused, not sure how I was suposed to react to the news.  I knew that I didn't have all of the details, that it takes two people to come to a decision like that.  But I also now knew that my mentor was not who I thought she was.  She had lied to everybody, she had ripped her own family apart, and little did we know at that point, she had lost half of our funding for the disabled children's scholarships to ride at the ranch.

That weekend was the last weekend we truly had with her.  Next Monday when we returned to the ranch, we discovered that the funding was gone.  And she had hired three women to be our new bosses.  Three evil women.  One was tough, which wasn't an issue to us.  Except that she was rough with our horses, and that wasn't okay.  One was mean, and we all hated her.  She knew nothing about horses and routinely put us, the horses, and the kids in danger with her ignorance.  The other boss was fine, except that she was stupid.  She didn't know anything and constantly forgot what to do.  At the end of that month, we had lost over half of our employees.  Lessons were cut short, kids weren't able to come for lessons anymore because their scholarships fell through, new employees were picked up from the local high school.  Some of them were good, but most were there on community service requirements.  My remaining coworkers and I spent the rest of the summer trying to clean up their mess.  They were lazy, and one left the gate open one night.  That night, four of our horses got out onto the highway and died.  Because one person was lazy and didn't check the gate, four of my favorite horses we slaughtered by two big rigs.  That next morning was awful   With only eight of the original employees left, I gave my notice.  My mentor wasn't even around anymore, if we were lucky we saw her maybe once of twice a week.  Three of my friends had already quit, and the two who were left were considering it.  But I wasn't waiting anymore, my dream was over.

It took a long time for me to be able to trust people again.  In a way I don't really think I've recovered from that, because whenever I depend on someone to do a job with me I always assume that they're going to fail. Even if I like them and know them, I expect them to leave without finishing what they've started.  Because my mentor lost everything by turning her back on people.

Now I have no mentor.  I've decided that I don't need one.  I'm an adult now, I talk to my parents if I need their advice, but I have friends who are struggling as I am and my hunny and I are doing fine figuring things out on our own.  Life is in my own hands, and I know that I still want a ranch of my own, with a family and a house and horses.  But I'll do it my way.

I ran into my old mentor a few days ago.  It was like no time had passed, she was happy and chatty, she'd married her new boyfriend.  The ranch had closed last year, there wasn't enough money or employees to keep going, and the landlord doubled the rent on the ranch.  The only logical thing left to do for her was walk away.  I was sad for her for a moment, but I know that's just a chapter in her life that's ended and she's on to the next.  So we said goodbye, promised to get together and catch up over lunch sometime, and went our separate ways.  I still pray for her, she is still very much a good person who's just made mistakes.  I miss her, but I'm in a new chapter of my life now too.  And there's no going back.  The future is much brighter than everything we've had before, so I've moved on.

There are people out there who need mentors, who need to fill a hole in their life with someone who will guide them.  To them I say good luck, but beware -because nobody's perfect.

Love,
Alice

Weekend.

September is moving forward and already my terrible weekend last week has moved from the front of my mind to the very back.  Stupid, expensive trips to places that you didn't really want to visit anyways are never a good idea.  Now I know; next time I'm bored I will just stay home! Facebook and Blogspot are much cheaper than other options.  Craziness.

Anyhow, we shall see what this weekend brings.  Hopefully I will get to visit one of my dearest friends, a nice, quiet, caffeine fille, venting-about-everything weekend with my besty.  A weekend without getting invited to booze and crack filled orgies, won't that be nice? It's funny how your friends change, you grow up in a grey area and when you all graduate the grey becomes black and white and everyone splits down the middle.  Doesn't mean I don't love and miss them, doesn't mean they're not my friends -it simply means that I will not be sharing my weekends with them anymore.  But that's okay, because I have a few amazing friends whom I am truly blessed to have in my life.  Friends that I can see staying in my life for a long time; being in my wedding, knowing my children, visiting over coffee about everything when we're in our forties and busy as hell.  Those are the friends that you want, the friends who encourage you to be yourself and go for your dreams and accept your differences without dragging each other down.  Not to say you can't drink and have a good time with them, just a different good time if you know what I mean.

The best part about this weekend?  My only plan that I'm following is I'm hanging out with my besty. Other than that, we can do whatever the hell we want! It will be nice, or at least I hope it will!  Here's hoping you have a lovely weekend too.

Love,
Alice

Moments.

There is no such thing as a perfect reaction, I believe.  There are moments that pass that you remember forever, but rarely because you had control over their perfection.  The moment just happened that way.  Or worse, you wish that you could have somehow fixed them, made them to have been perfect, to have gotten your point across in a more descriptive manor.  The things you regret most are rarely the things that you've said, but rather the things that you kept inside when the moment needed to hear those words dearly.  Those are the moments that you wish you could have changed.  Somehow, we rarely find ourselves saying the perfect thing, unless of course we already had it planned out in our minds.  But if you live on my planet, you already know that the best laid plans go astray.  And that's just life, showing us once again that we can try as hard as we would like but we are not in control.

So the best thing that we can do is to just be honest, because those moments of imperfect honesty are what show our true character.  For that is all we really are, strands of imperfection woven into a work of art that takes years upon years to complete.  My work of art is nowhere near complete, and I'm alright with that.  I know that I'm not perfect, I know that the honesty or dishonesty in which I react to a situation could very well change someone's opinion on me for life.  But that's not about my character, that's my reputation.  Something that none of us have control over.  My character is who I am; a person of integrity, who has made mistakes, but has tried to make everything right despite the challenges that lay ahead.  My reputation is how others depict what they have witnessed or heard; which is both fact and fiction.  Sometimes through rumors I find out things that I never knew about myself before, because people are just that creative.  They can call me what they want, it won't change who I am, only who they are.

So live your life with as much patience, joy, and honesty as you can.  Live in the moment always, and without the fear of ruining it.  And should your reputation proceed you, forgive the community and move forward, proving time and time again who you really are.  Because in fifty years, the rumor mill won't remember the false things that it churned out about you -but the people who you made an impression on, the people who saw and appreciated your true character, you will live on in their hearts forever.  So be strong, love much, and good luck.

Love,
Alice

Amen.

I'm always amused when Athiests get offended by religious statements. Wether it be a cross, a billboard, a church fundraiser, a t-shirt or merely a faith inspired country music song.  If you don't believe that something exhists and very clearly do not want anyone to chang eyour opinions, then why does something that you don't believe in and no one is asking you to believe in, offend you so much? You can tell me your theories all day long, at the end of the day you're still going to believe that you evolved from a monkey and I'm still going to believe that my life has a God given purpose.

Not that I believe that all churches are the same.  Not that I believe that going to church automatically makes you a good person.  Not that I believe that stating you believe in God and then not living as though you do means that you are all together.  I just believe that everyone should be able to live their life as they please.  I would rather live my life as God intended, obviously I fall short constantly.  I am not perfect, I'm not going to tell anybody that they should be just like me, because I know I have more issues than a Cosmo subscription. 

I'm not perfect, but neither are you.  I don't care if you believe or not, I don't even care if you're a hypocrite.  I just don't want to hear about it.  I have friends who are Christians, who care a great deal about the people that are in their life, people who truly want to make a difference.  I have friends who are Christians, read their bible every morning, get wasted every weekend, dress like whores and go to church every Sunday.  I have athiest friends who are similar.  Some try to be good people and some just don't care.  I believe that there are some religions that are truly messed up, and if I see someone who thinks it's their religious duty to protest at a soldier's funeral, then I'm going to dislike them instantly.  Not because it's a difference of opinion, but because I think it's wrong.  It's one of the things that make me a little different from people who forgive easily.  I'm not perfect, and I'm not above choosing sides.  But it's not about religion, it's about your relationship with the creator.  It's about how you see yourself.  It's about who you strive to be, not who people think you are.

I don't care what you are, I'll treat you all the same.  You're not my judge, so it doesn't matter what you think of me.  The only thing that changes is wether or not I'm going to tell you that I'm praying for you or not.  I'll only tell someone that I'm praying for them if I think that they need to hear it, if they need to feel like they're not in their issues alone.  I believe that God is everyone's savior, I believe that he watches over me and has a place for me.  And I believe that everyone has the oprotunity to find the faith, hope and love that I've found with God.  Amen.

Love,
Alice

Thank You.

Thank you…

To the ones who said no and therefore pushed me to prove them wrong
To the ones who told me to shut up and forced me to make myself be heard

To the ones who act in ways that remind me that the past can never be relived and it’s time to move on

To the ones who constantly prove to me that the future’s brighter than ever

To the ones who judged me wrong and gave me a second chance

To the ones who proved to me that people change

To the ones who proved to me that people don’t

To the ones who proved that life sucks sometimes

To the ones who remind me that life truly is amazing

To the ones who remind me that time is precious and can run out at any moment

To the ones who proved to me that distance doesn’t mean anything

To the ones who remind me that life is for the living and to live it up

To the ones who prove that you can’t see someone’s true colors on the surface

To the ones who forced me to realize what really matters in a personality

To the ones who left me and forced me to find my own way in the dark

To the ones who proved to me that fear is only in my mind

To the ones who remind me that rules are meant to be broken

To the ones who remind me that the only one who keeps you from spreading your wings and flying is you

To the ones who were there when I didn’t know I needed them

To the ones who I’ll never see again but helped me realize things about myself I never would’ve known otherwise

To the ones who lied to me, hurt me, sold my soul out from under me and proved that people can never be trusted and the only one I can’t depend on is me.

To the ones who stood by my side, made me laugh, listened to my thoughts and proved to me that some people can be trusted and showed me that I’m not in this alone.

Thank you for helping me to find out who I am and what I’m capable of.

Thank you for turning me into the person that I am.

Thank you for forcing me to be me.

Thank you for being you.

Love,
Alice

Speedy Vermin.

Wake up. COFFEE. Drive. Work. Lunch. Drive. Work out. Chores. Dinner. Stay up late reading and watching movies. Repeat. 

I don't know if I ever truly considered the meaning of the term "rat race" until I found myself in it. Now, I am a racing rat. A speedy vermin.  Not working a lot, but working. And getting paid. And paying money where it's due. And then needing more money to keep the hamster wheel turning, which means I'm right back where I started Monday morning!

Now I don't dislike my job, that's not it at all.  And I know that one day I will make enough that I will be far enough ahead that my place in the rat race will be much smaller. I'll be part time racing rat and part time cheerleader rat, cheering on my fellow rats to the finish line. While the government sits there in their labcoats and watches us race around the little Paycheck/401K/Morgage/Company shares/Insurance Policies/Home owning/Tax paying maze track that they've set up for us. Then we get to the end and they let us sit and get fat off of our retierment cheese and they tweak the race for the next generation. That is just not a very exciting concept.

So how do we respond? Very simply: We do not make our work our life.  We wake up, go to work, clock in, spend the day doing whatever task we we've chosen to spend 20-40 hours a week doing, clock out, come home, and find fulfillment there instead of at work. Cook, read, play music, plan out the weekend -and then spend the weekend enjoying yourself in any way you please, knowing damn well that you've earned your weekend.

Not to say that work can't be enjoyable. People who choose careers that are perfect for them, is fantastic! Singers, Artists, Doctors, Teachers, Policemen, Fire Fighters, Tax Professionals, whatever they choose. The people that really do enjoy their job, have a very nice exhistance.  And for that I applaud them!  I enjoy my job, but I enjoy my off time much more. It gives me a chance to explore my interests, see my friends, and spend time with my hunny. And write of course. And who knows, maybe someday I'll become a published author, and then I can truly say that I love my work! I shall pray, and we shall see. But in the meantime, carry on my fellow rat racers!

Love,
Alice

Pregolom.

Really.  Seriously?

So here I am all excited that my blog is picking up viewership and whatnot, and that it's all coming through one site.  And what is that site? A porn site.  Nice.  Porn sites have enough spam time on their hands to go and stalk my blog and screw up my viewership.  Now to figure out how to get rid of it!!! Somehow I think I'll probably just spam the comments.  Stupid porn.  So disapointing, now I will ignore "Pregolom" and move on with my exciting blogger life.

Love,
Alice

Wake me up when September ends.

It's been a tough week. All these memories that I've pushed away from this week three years ago. Three years ago I had possibly one of the worse weeks of my life. And it was exceedingly hard. I was betrayed, I lost my best friend of seven years and a close friend of eight years. Both probably could have been fixed somehow, but we were all broken. And it happened at my favorite place. A place that now I can't be at for more than a few hours without feeling nautous and irritated. Carnival lights used to be a place of total serenity to me, a perfectly awesome place to sit with friends and laugh and joke with.  Animal barns used to be the ultimate vacation from everything, you could talk to anyone and feel totally at ease.  Now I get dizzy, I get sick, I get angry, I feel flooded with memories.  Some of the memories are good and amazing, and others stop you in your tracks.  I loved that place while I grew up, from age nine to nineteen.  But now, it's gone, dead to me.  A place that I will never find the same joy out of ever again, thanks to one bitter girl and a bad conversation.  Betrayel is a sucky thing. It makes you want to say horrible things to someone who you've always cared about. 

These are things that I used to think about on a day to day basis. Things that cut me so deep I didn't want to go on with my life anymore.  Things that now I don't think about every day, but maybe once a month. I'm only friends with one person who was in that situation now, and she's going to be a bridesmaid in my wedding. I don't know how we survived that, but we did. The others involved? Well, we're still friends on Facebook. Which, lets face it, is just the equivellant of "I just want to keep tabs on you so that we never end up in the same place at the same time" Kind of thing. There is no love there, no friendship.  We all used to be so close, and then someone says things that they can't take back. And they are labeled Bitch for life.

I'm not a bitter person, I don't hold grudges.  I get fed up with guys who don't try, I get fed up with girls that whine and take advantage of people, but I don't hold grudges. I've forgiven everyone who has hurt me, no matter how long it took to do it.  I've strong enough to forgive them, but I will never be stupid enough to befriend them again.  People who throw you under the bus once, will always be willing to do it again.  Even if they grovel for you to forgive them, they will always save their own hide first.  It's unfortunate, because they are good people.  They are people that used to be my whole life, whom I cared about dearly.  And I still wish them the best, I hope that they have a really great life.  But I won't be in it. 

I've discovered that some people come in a cycle of five years. they're in your life for five years, and then everything changes.  It's hard, it sucks, and it's true.  There are people that are truly good and care about you and will be around for a long time, but then there are people that you outgrow. The ones that still want to party while you actually want to have a life.  The ones that want to spread rumours and trick guys into sleeping with them.  People that you're better off without just because you don't need their issues that close to you anymore. 

People change, but not always for the better.  Change is hard to react to reguardless of if it's good or bad.  But change will never stop.  It's life, it happens, you deal with it.  You cry and you hurt and you take down those pictures and put them away, and then you move on.  And every now and then you have a tiny breakdown like I do, because you remember all of the good things that those people were and how much they meant to you. And then you remember all of the pain that you went through when it ended.  Then you go on with your life.  Because where you are now, that's where you're suposed to be.  And if you're hurting, just know that it's not the end.  You're just passing through, you won't be there for long.  Even if it feels like it.  Stay strong.

Love,
Alice