Do you ever wonder what you would have done differently as a teenager, if only someone had known what was really going on inside your head. If they had, maybe they would have been able to give you the advice that you truly needed to hear? Maybe you would've mande the right choices, maybe you wouldn't have been so depressed, maybe you would've treated someone much differently. I've been thinking this morning, about who I used to be. I wasn't a bad person, not at all, but I'm sure if I'd only known, things would not be as they are.
Dear seventeen year old me,
You're a bi-polar little weirdo aren't you? One minute you're thrilled with your newfound freedom and your life, and the next you're completely depressed. You know why that is? Because your friends are bi-polar little weirdos. Not all of them but two of them. Two girls that you're conviced will have your back forever, which isn't true. They're about to rip you apart out of jealousy, and it's going to hurt like a bitch. But you'll survive. In the end, they'll be the ones hurting and you will find other people who are healthier to be around. Guys and gals alike, who just want to hang out. Say goodbye to sleepovers, and hello to movie nights, drive ins, and taco bell runs. The best part? There will be no drama whatsoever. You'll love it.
Help out your family more, I know you hate living at home and are counting down the days till you can leave, but there's no need. Family is important, and they need you as much as you hate to admit you need them. You'll be fine, you'll even learn more patience. Unfortunetly, you will always hate washing dishes and cleaning the bathroom. Sorry about that.
I know you work out like it's a drug. But you need to take a break. You're only running five, six and sometimes seven miles a day because you're afraid of what people think of you. You can't outrun those people, and running like you're the Flash won't fix all of your problems. Keep working out, but tone it down a bit. Work out to feel good about yourself and your clothes, not to try to be as skinny as your tiny stick friend. It's just not going to happen.
I know you think that it doesn't matter what Music you listen to, that the amount of profanity in some songs isn't a problem, but it does matter. Because what goes into your head comes out your mouth, it changes the way you think and it dulls your senses. It makes awful language and subject matter go from exciting to just normal. Don't let that be your normal. Not that you can't ever listen to Disturbed or Eminem ever again, just... no.
It's okay that you don't like going to church, because you'll get over that. Those little hang-ups you have about church are because of how they treat your friends. And while it's good to be careful about how the people you love are treated, remember to see both sides of everything. They might have had their reasons. Plus, that's not why you go to church, as you'll soon find out. You go to worship God, not to deal with petty selfish people. Yes I know that you pray multiple times a day, but you just need to get over the fact that no church you ever go to will make you feel as good as the church you went to when you were growing up, it's an adult world now, everything's different. Don't let people and circumstances keep you from worshiping God.
Congratulations on graduation high school a year early! You worked your ass off for this, and you deserved it. Now that total moment of confusion over what to do with your life? That will get worse when you're eighteen, but then it'll be gone. One day you'll finally realize that you're okay and be at peace and you won't feel the pressures of life and everyone else. You'll be happy. Better yet, next year you'll discover one of your true passions: Travelling. Not just camping or hiking or going on training errands for the weekend, I mean really living. You'll take your first airplane and travel to Texas, Maryland, Washington D.C., Philadelphia Delaware, New Jersey and New York. You'll be hooked, you'll constantly be planning your next trip and you won't stop. You'll know what you want out of life: To play music, to be in love, and to see the world. A hippy romantic view on life, maybe, but it's worth it -because it's what you love. Never give up on that. Don't wait till you're old and dead, do it when you're young, when you're married, when you have kids, when you're retired, all of it. Live your life, don't let things like time and jobs hold you back. Make time, save money. Do it.
Thank you for not doing drugs, or wasting your reputation and health on stupid parties or getting wasted. Thank you for realizing that you deserve more than that. Thank you for not smoking pot even when you were terribly depressed and everyone told you that you should try it sometime.
Thank you for finally getting your freaking drivers license. Now, that wasn't so hard was it? Don't speed, even when you know you won't get caught. Driving is a priveledge, not a right. Don't text when driving, don't drink when driving.
Apreciate what you can, and be nice to everyone. You've seen the dark side of cancer, you saw the little girl whom you've known for ten years die a horrible year long death from her fight with cancer. You've worked with those kids and seen them die from illness and broken bodies. Take care of those around you, don't let them suffer. Don't move on when you see someone hurting, always offer to help them.
I know that you love the ranch that you're working on, but it won't last. Just remember that good things fall apart so that better things can fall together. And keep remembering that when you're working at that Toy Store for the next six months of your life. That's somewhere in the middle, it's a horrible job, but you do learn from it. And after you finally get the sense to quit, you get the best job that you could possibly ask for -great location, great pay, great boss. Things will get better!
That guy that you like? The one that you were dating for a while? Let it go. You were best friends for eight years, you could have still been best friends, but no. You guys had to go and start dating. It's going to end, it's going to be horrible, you're going to want to die, you're going to lose your other best friends at the same time, you're going to cry yourself to sleep every night, you're going to feel alone and desperate. You're going to write a lot of songs because of it. And just when you think it can't get much worse, you're going to have an asthma attack that nearly kills you. It will hurt so bad that you wish it would just kill you. But you'll get over it. You'll come home from the most expensive emergency room visit you've ever had, and you'll slowly get better. You'll reconnect with a girl who will slowly become your new best friend, even if it starts because you're both in horrible emotional pain. You're going to start singing again, and get really good and preform twice a week because you love it. You're going to dye your hair bright red and really figure out who you are. And when you do, you're going to love it.
And right when everything is finally coming together again after months upon months of growing pains, you're going to meet a guy who makes you laugh, and smile, and feel important. And I'll let you find out where that goes for yourself. But I promise, everything will be completely worth it. Just hang in there, work on your attitude, and don't give up. Whatever you do, don't give up. You're worth it, your dreams are worth it, your future's worth it. You're going to have a beautiful life, just keep it up!
Love,
Alice
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