It's been a tough week. All these memories that I've pushed away from this week three years ago. Three years ago I had possibly one of the worse weeks of my life. And it was exceedingly hard. I was betrayed, I lost my best friend of seven years and a close friend of eight years. Both probably could have been fixed somehow, but we were all broken. And it happened at my favorite place. A place that now I can't be at for more than a few hours without feeling nautous and irritated. Carnival lights used to be a place of total serenity to me, a perfectly awesome place to sit with friends and laugh and joke with. Animal barns used to be the ultimate vacation from everything, you could talk to anyone and feel totally at ease. Now I get dizzy, I get sick, I get angry, I feel flooded with memories. Some of the memories are good and amazing, and others stop you in your tracks. I loved that place while I grew up, from age nine to nineteen. But now, it's gone, dead to me. A place that I will never find the same joy out of ever again, thanks to one bitter girl and a bad conversation. Betrayel is a sucky thing. It makes you want to say horrible things to someone who you've always cared about.
These are things that I used to think about on a day to day basis. Things that cut me so deep I didn't want to go on with my life anymore. Things that now I don't think about every day, but maybe once a month. I'm only friends with one person who was in that situation now, and she's going to be a bridesmaid in my wedding. I don't know how we survived that, but we did. The others involved? Well, we're still friends on Facebook. Which, lets face it, is just the equivellant of "I just want to keep tabs on you so that we never end up in the same place at the same time" Kind of thing. There is no love there, no friendship. We all used to be so close, and then someone says things that they can't take back. And they are labeled Bitch for life.
I'm not a bitter person, I don't hold grudges. I get fed up with guys who don't try, I get fed up with girls that whine and take advantage of people, but I don't hold grudges. I've forgiven everyone who has hurt me, no matter how long it took to do it. I've strong enough to forgive them, but I will never be stupid enough to befriend them again. People who throw you under the bus once, will always be willing to do it again. Even if they grovel for you to forgive them, they will always save their own hide first. It's unfortunate, because they are good people. They are people that used to be my whole life, whom I cared about dearly. And I still wish them the best, I hope that they have a really great life. But I won't be in it.
I've discovered that some people come in a cycle of five years. they're in your life for five years, and then everything changes. It's hard, it sucks, and it's true. There are people that are truly good and care about you and will be around for a long time, but then there are people that you outgrow. The ones that still want to party while you actually want to have a life. The ones that want to spread rumours and trick guys into sleeping with them. People that you're better off without just because you don't need their issues that close to you anymore.
People change, but not always for the better. Change is hard to react to reguardless of if it's good or bad. But change will never stop. It's life, it happens, you deal with it. You cry and you hurt and you take down those pictures and put them away, and then you move on. And every now and then you have a tiny breakdown like I do, because you remember all of the good things that those people were and how much they meant to you. And then you remember all of the pain that you went through when it ended. Then you go on with your life. Because where you are now, that's where you're suposed to be. And if you're hurting, just know that it's not the end. You're just passing through, you won't be there for long. Even if it feels like it. Stay strong.
Love,
Alice
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