Craziness

It's been a while.

It's been busy, things have been crazy.  I've been wedding planning, like in the actual sense.  The nice part is that I've decided to only have a tiny amount of people there. People that are here right now, people that are family.  I realized that as much as I want a "wedding", I want a tiny, intimate wedding more. I want to sit around a bonfire pit in my dress and relax and tell stories and drink coffee and sing and dance and not care about what the wedding industry thinks I should have.  So that part is becoming crazier because it's actually happening, after a year and a half of being engaged it's finally happening.

The other part is my newest job.  I've been there for about a month, I am now an actual barista. I make espresso, mix drinks, blend stuff together, all that jazz. The actual job is fun, it's a lot of girls working together in a small space, but it's fun.  I don't know what I think about management. Not the manager, but the owner.   We shall have to see.

Also, I'm considering moving my blog to Wordpress. I think I might like the format better. If that's the case, I will let you know ;)

Plus, lots of editing, lots of people in my life going through crazy things - moving away, buying houses, getting engaged, getting married, having children, dealing with parents dying, dealing with issues, going to school, all the crazy.  It gets overwhelming at times.  I feel like I either don't have friends, or I get completely emotionally attached to their personal issues.  I want to help...

Anyhow, I hope that your Thanksgiving was lovely.  Mine was bittersweet.  It was the first time that my fiance and my brother's girlfriend had ever been to my grandparent's house, and the first time that we celebrated a holiday there since my granddad died last year.  It was nice, but painfully sad.  I miss him so much. I wish that my fiance could have met him, if I could change one thing in my life, that would be it.

I'm tired.  And I have to finish editing for a client. And then I have to go to work. And then I have to go work out. And then I can go to bed and start over tomorrow.

Have a great day lovies.

Love, Alice

Thrive.

I have never in my life wanted to be the blonde blue eyes popular girl. I have been irritated by them, shunned by them, and occupational befriended by them, but never have I said if only I looked like her. If only I acted like her. If only I was her.

Never.

I wanted to be an artist, a cowgirl, a veterinarian, a musician, a singer, a photographer, a writer, a dreamer, a lover, a wild child. I wanted to be the girl with the crazy hair who traveled the world, who wore whatever she wanted and felt great all the time.

Life is funny that way.

I got some of what I wanted, never all, but some. I play guitar, I sing, I write when I have the time, I dream constantly, I photograph everything, I live.  I try to live freer than those around me, even if I'm not as free as I wish I was. What they don't tell you as a child is how hard it is to make a living while dreaming your dreams.

Luckily my parents always told me I could be whatever I wanted as long as I prepared myself. So I've done my best to take my strengths and make them profitable while exploring all of my fantasies.

While all of my friends are choosing careers or marriage or schools, I'm trying my best to not choose. I want to go through life with my best friend, my husband, working hard to make it dreams come true, to only have children when I've seen enough of the world that I can show them how to thrive by the Grace of God. I don't desire to have a degree, or the debt that comes with it. A high and mighty career, with the time constraints that chimes with it, or a marriage that loses its meaning somewhere between the two. I want love, and life, and enough money to make ends meet without worrying about what it not we have enough extra to buy new shoes when we need it.

I want to thank God that I have just enough, even if that's all. I want to be happy, I want to be free. I want to be me.

Love,
Alice

One year

It's been a long, trying year, full of growing pains, love, and much realization. I've made new friends, and lost old ones. Helped friends find a new lease on life, and others to leave mine. Life changes, and it's not always easy, or bad. But here's my post for the 1 year since my first post;

Conflict makes me sad. When two people cannot possibly see the side of the other person and let it ruin their relationship. Whats worse is when it starts because one person is so miserable in their pain and suffering that they refuse to have even a normal conversation. Because they don't realize that hey, you have some serious dues to pay when you're in your early twenties! You are struggling with everything! Education, finances, relationships, wherever you are -I don't care if you are living at home, with your boyfriend/girlfriend, if you are married, if you are living in a college dorm or a tiny apartment or a giant house. It doesn't matter, because everyone struggles, everyone is trying desperately to figure out who they are and what they want. I'm doing better now, but it's still hard.  I'm not going to drag my friends down with it every single day, but it's there in the subtext of every conversation; we're young, we're struggling, we're broke, we're just trying to figure it all out and hoping that in 5 years we'll at least know what we want and who we are, if nothing else.  Don't let your misery convince you that your problems and your woes and your battles are deeper or more painful or bigger than the person sitting next to you, because you have no idea. Don't let your troubles become your Identity.  Find your center, find your faith, find whatever gets you through the day, and hold on tight, because it's bound to be a bumpy ride.

Love,
Alice

Contrary to your beliefs, the world does not, in fact, revolve around you.

I simply can't stand it.

The fact that some people are so caught up in their own issues, that they cannot seem to remember the people that help them out. Issues that they completely bring upon themselves, that they pretend to love.

If someone agrees to help you with something, you shouldn't expect them to wait on your hand and foot.you shouldn't expect them to pay for frivolous, ridiculous things that you wouldn't be willing to pay for. You shouldn't act like your needs are above their own, when you're so caught up in them helping you that you don't even bother to ask about them.about the new house they're about to buy, about the serious health issues that they've developed, about the the extra fucking credit card that they've considered getting because they want to help you so badly. but have no money left for your stupid whims.

Because they are the good friend. They are the friend who tries too hard, who listens to your stupid problems when they would rather do anything else, who is sympathetic to you even though they completely disagree with every single choice that you have made that brought you to where you are. When every body else looks at that friendship, they will judge you.

Because you are a bitch. Because you are selfish.because you couldn't care less about their problems, because you consider your wants to be above their needs. Sorry princess, have a nice life. No one does that to their friends and keeps them, think about that next time they help you.

If there is a next time.

Love,
Alice.

Just keep praying...

Today is the first time in a while I'm... hurting. Not like I have been... but how I was three years ago. Pain in my chest worry and hurt and fearful.  Are things going to work out? Am I making the right choices? Do I need to go to school? Do I need to get a government job? Worries that I've been praying for and praying for, are suddenly overwhelmingly terrifying.  My chest hurts, I feel scared... I just want to be okay. I feel like my Faith is slipping, and that I'm not good enough. Like everyone else has found better people to talk to and I'm sitting here wondering why all of the people whom I've picked up and carried through their pain and darkness have all abandoned me. I just need to keep praying..... keep moving forward... and leaving behind the people who've left me.

Love,
Alice

Poor little lovebirds.

Why do girls get hung up on guys who are bad for them? Seriously. I am a girl, and I've been that girl, and I got out, and I still don't freaking get it.  He doesn't trust you, he isn't nice to you, he doesn't respect you, and then when you finally think that you're going to leave, he brings out the roses, takes you to dinner and makes you laugh. "Of course I love him, why can't he be like this all the time, no one else is going to love me, I guess it's not that bad, okay I'll stay." Yeah, because that makes sense.  When you see your friends going through this crap, it all seems so clear to you. "Dump him! Leave his sorry ass! He's crushing your dreams and making you feel like you're worthless! It's not true! Just get away!" Yeah, that's what you tell your friend.  To not let a man hold her back.  But what about you? I've watched my friends go through this, I've watched them tell each other to get out, or that they're crazy, I've seen it all go downhill.  It doesn't make sense.

It all comes down to self worth, but you can't run from yourself.  You'll be with someone lame if you don't like yourself.  You'll marry the first guy who makes you feel special if you don't pay any attention to it.  Getting out of a bad relationship will either crush you or liberate you.  The crushed ones slowly drag themselves back up, see what was really going on, and move forward.  The liberated ones find somebody new, and start making stupid decisions right away.  Relationships are tricky.

I think that my favorite way that I've heard it was in the book "The five love languages".  Many variations of that book, all good, nay, fantastic.  Love them.  Anyhow, in the book it explains that during the first 6 months of any relationship is called the honeymoon phase (as if we all didn't already know that!) and in the honeymoon phase, you do not make ANY rash decisions.  Because you are in a state of euphoric obsession, of which your partner can do no wrong. He's amazing, he treats me right, he takes me to dinner, he buys me things, he listens to me, my parents love him -OR she's so funny, she's so classy, she's not a bitch, she's the only one who's ever made me feel like this, she's so much fun. You get the idea?

Not to say that those things go away completely after six months, but you finally understand each other. Some days you get under peoples skin, God forbid that you move in together, you know everything sooner.  Money opinions break out, one of you spends more than the other, one of you likes to go out more than the other, one of you cleans their clothes more often than the other, one yells more than the other, one eats totally different food than the other, one watches more tv than the other, one drinks more than the other, one expects more of the other. There is a lot of ground work that has to be covered before you can be truly happy together -and if you're reading this thinking that you don't have any of these problems, then I hate to break it to you- but you either haven't been with your person long enough yet, or worse you're not talking with your partner enough. Worse than that, maybe you have no differences. Maybe you are content to do everything together and to never speak with other people, maybe you are stuck in your own little love bubble and have no idea. It will all come out eventually.  Love hurts, love's hard, and love isn't always pretty.  But it is wonderful, and it is worth it, and I wouldn't have it any other way. Good luck guys.

Love,
Alice

Let go.

The tighter you hold on to yesterday, the faster it will slip through your fingers.

Seriously. I know a girl who hates everything, so obsessed with "the good old days" that she refuses to have any more good days ever. Hates her job, stays with her boyfriend not because she loves him but because he pays for stuff, hates her parents for getting divorced, hates everything for not working in her favor. But from the outside looking in, she's ok. Not ok on the inside, I'm not belittling depression in any way, because I've been there, and it's terrifying.not terrifying in the sense that it's what you feel, but terrifying in the sense that you cannot get out.it is your world. It is everything. It it's your outlook, your way of life, your permanent perspective of pessimism. One bad day leads to one bad thing leads to more bad things leads to more bad days, leads to despair.next thing you know, things are spiraling out of control in a hurricane of depression, and you're in the eye of the storm.everyone is on the outside, running from it, redirecting it, chasing it, trying to help - but you don't even realize it, because you're in the eye. You're sitting in a crowded room full of people who live you and you feel all alone. Helplessness all around. I've been there, and it's hard. And giving up sounds like not just a good option, but the only option. It fits from the back of your mind, to the front. A little voice, to your voice. Whispering, to screaming. It's horrible. People don't realize how horrible, until it happens to them, or it's too late.

But there is an escape. It's not fun, it's not easy, and it usually involves a slew of bad decisions that cause even more growing pains. But at least then you're starting to grow. You wake up, you drag yourself out of bed, you get some breakfast to go with that coffee, you get a better job, you see your friends every other day, you write down how you're feeling, and you make the ultimate choice to refuse to look back.you make a new life.you don't forget, but you don't let your past ruin you, because you finally start to realize that you're worth more than that.

It took me 8 months to climb out, to be better. 8 months, 2 equally depressed friends too battle it with me, a large number of regrets, and 1 final decision, that my life was my own. That Shit happens, sometimes you're gonna step in it and sometimes people are going to throw it at your face.you get over it, you move on, you figure out your passions, you hold your true friends close to you - and you wake up one day to realize that even if life isn't perfect, you're going to be ok.

Life isn't about clinging to the past, it's about creating your future. Always remember that. The best is yet to come.

Never, ever, give up.

Love,
Alice

God's gonna cut you down.

Why.

Why am I not good enough.

Why can't I fix everything.

Why do I feel useless and unwanted.

Why do I let it affect me so much.

Why do I feel like he's going to find new people to talk to because he's disgusted with me.

Why can't I work harder.

Why doesn't he care.

Why don't things get better no matter how hard I work.

Why do I feel like no one can hear me.

Why am I not happy.

Hypocracy at it's finest.

Don't you just love it when people forget that you're in the back office, and you learn all kinds of things that they didn't want you to know? Like what an asshole they are? Ah well, I already knew that. Grr.

But for real, this is more than just the annoyance of having a boss who bitches about everyone behind their back. Because, he owns the business, so who cares.  His lot in life is running his business, no matter how many people he tramples in doing so.  (Yeah, fantastic business owner here people.) It's that he goes to church, that he has a family, that his wife is awesome, that he has been in fact given a 2nd chance at life. And he does not act like it.  He goes to church and then completely disgraces everyone who does not go to his church. He refuses to discipline his children, who run rampant because he never does things with them. Because that's the mother's job.  The mother whom he bitches about constantly to workers, customers, and anyone who will listen.  It's beyond rude, it's sexist and cruel.  Let's just say if my fiance ever treated me like that, he wouldn't be my fiance. And the whole 2nd chance at life thing? You would think that having been given a new lease on life would encourage you to rearrange your priorities, to spend more time with your family, to not harass people.  I don't know, maybe that's just me.  It's infuriating.

And the worst part, is how many people I know just like that.  They say that they love their wives and then flirt with other women in front of them. They go to church and then judge instead of walking with Jesus. They say that they love their family and then ignore them.  It boggles my mind.

I hate hypocracy. I hate people who don't live what they preach.  Who judge and push and force their way.  People who will hate you for dressing a certain way but then go and sleep with everyone.  People who will hate your music but will live the life your "bad music" portrays.  People who think it's perfectly fine to say one thing and act another.  Or worse, in front of their children.  Therefore creating more little hypocrites   Irritating little bastards.

I think it's wrong to do those things.  I think it's worse to blatantly judge someone to their face, and then expect them to do something for you.  People deserve better than that.

Love,
Alice

Live simply, travel often.

I feel as though I am climbing an enormous mountain. (As apposed to, ya know, a really small mountain :P )

I feel like every time I think I'm at the top, the fog clears and I see where I need to go next, to keep trying.  To not give up.  But still to hope that everything works out.  That the mountain top will become narrower and  I will be able to "Trim the fat" on some of my life.  No more little minamum wage jobs that scrape you by at $50 a week, no more friends that don't return your phone calls, no more duct taping your flip flops back together because you don't have time to go to the store and get new ones.  I want all of those things to go away, that would be lovely.  Just to work two jobs that I am in control of, that strain my mind but keep me entertained and fulfilled at the same time.  To make a decent living, not to live in a decadent house, but to live simply and travel often.  To be able to pick up the phone and have a good heart to heart with friends that truly miss talking to me, and to just leave the other ones be. To go and buy some damn shoes when I need to, that would be cool.

I'll get there right? Sure, it'll happen, I just have to keep climbing up that mountain.  Everything will fall into place, with the right amount of effort and prayer.  But in the meantime, this could get verrrrrry interesting!

Love,
Alice

In a Barbie world.

Sometimes I just want to walk up to people and shake them.  Just knock some sense into them.  Wishing they wouldn't hide who they really are.

It isn’t about how many of your bones we can see, if your skirt is short or your shirt is sheer. It’s not. It’s about how you feel. Beauty is the smile that you wear when you walk down the street, the way you treat people, the things that you believe are important. The happiest people are not the ones who are starving themselves, they’re the one’s who are helping feed starving children in their hometown or in Africa because they believe it’s important one way or another. They’re not the one’s with perfect hair, they’re the one’s with crazy windblown hair because they just had the time of their life camping in the outdoors or riding rollercoasters or horseback riding. It’s not about skipping meals and showing skin, it’s about being you. Enjoying life. Smiling, laughing, being with your friends. The perfect guy won’t be looking for a Barbie, he’ll want to have fun. He’ll know your beauty when he sees it. it doesn’t matter what color your hair is, the tone of your skin, how much you weigh, how tall you are or how much money you have. Just be you, because that’s who you’re supposed to be.

Love,
Alice

Always choose waiting over settling, for the latter breeds misery.

"Happiness is not a state to arrive at, but rather a way of travelling."

Oh how I wish I could remember that more often! I may possible be the most impatient person that I know.  Followed closely by everyone else that I know.  I am not content to sit back and wait for things to happen, neither am I content to work and work and work and see no results.

That being said, when I'm not at work, I see it.  When I'm out living life, spending time with friends and family  and my fiance, doing what I love, I can't help but wish that those moments could last longer.  That all of my little people could stay little, that I could keep all of the friends I have in one place, that my dog will live forever.

Little wishes, things that will fade away over time.  Wishing that my friends could realize what they have before it's gone. Wishing that they'd dump lousy boyfriends and be happy again.  Wishing that they would open their heart to how happy they could be if they only realized what truly mattered.  Because in 50 years, I am not going to look back on my life and wish that I had more jobs.  And most likely, neither are any of them.

And if you're miserable and you think that things will never get better, that's not entirely true either.  Things will get better, you just have to keep working steady at it.  One day you're just praying that things will get better, and the next day, it's happening.  Simple as that.  But if you're afraid that things will only get worse, that you'll lose what little sanity you have left, so you hold onto the lousy job and the angry boyfriend, things will never get better.  Never settle for anything less than you deserve, and don't let anyone ever make you feel that you don't deserve what you want.  If you want the college degree, make it happen.  If you want to own a home, hop to it.  If you want to get married someday but can't see yourself doing it with the guy (or girl) that you're with, then why are you wasting your time? No, these aren't things that will happen tomorrow, but if you want them, then you know what your end goal is.  Focus on that.  Let that get you through the day.  Rely on the people who support you in what you want, not who only drag you down because they're not getting what they want either.  Don't let negativity win.

Yes, I know life sucks sometimes, and it's hard, and it's a lot of work, and it's not always fun. But you're not here forever, you're not going to settle.  You're going to go places.  So read a book, dance around your room, watch a comedy, make out with your boyfriend, laugh with your friends, and just enjoy the little moments while they're here.  Because happiness isn't a destination, it's a way of life.

"You have brains in your head and feet in your shoes and you can go wherever you choose. Things could happen and quite often do, to people as brainy and footsy as you!" -Dr. Suess

love,
Alice

Too young, too broke, too happy, too desperate.

Fucking bitches.

So I'm getting married, right? Not because I want someone to take care of me forever. Not because I'm pregnant. Not because we live together. Not for a million other judgmental reasons that people are pulling out of their ass. Is it bad that I have a witty response to their totally inappropriate and intrusive questions?

What about the normal annoying questions? Can I see the ring, how's he propose, when's the wedding, how'd you meet, are you excited? Followed promptly by awww I'm so happy for you.

Seriously? Can I have more of that? More yay and less nay?

Who in their right mind thinks it's okay to ask these questions:

So when's the baby due?

Aw that's too bad, you had your whole life ahead of you.

To so-and-so? Or the other guy? Wait, who are you with again?

Why bother?

You're making a big mistake.

I hate my husband, don't get married.

That's a bad idea, you're going to regret it. So can I come to the wedding?

You're just going to get divorced.

Weddings are expensive, I thought you were too cheap to get married.

I can think of other girls who would be happier to marry him.

You're so lucky you're getting married, then you'll never have to work again.

Well at least if you get fired or something you can always divorce him and live off of alimony money.

But what if you find someone else? You're like, stuck with this guy if you marry him.

I always figured he'd find someone better than you.


No, not all of those are questions, some of them are just asinine statements of their unwelcome opinions.  I'd love to say that that's it, but there's more.  I just don't have any desire to relive them.  Those are from extended family, friends I had in high school, unhappy coworkers, and the majority of them are from people in a church. Like at church. 

What. The. Fuck.

Needless to say we're having an itty bitty wedding with happy, close friends only.

They don't understand, they're not in my life, they don't know my life inside and out.  They weren't there for the precise, tiny, perfect moments that made me fall in love with the man that I'm fully assured that I want to spend the rest of my life with.  The man that won me over with his smile and his humor and his dog.  The man that I go adventuring with, the man that buys me cool whip when I'm miserable and hate everything, the man that watches Zombie movies with me, that goes shooting with me, that encourages me and makes me happy, the man who happens to be my best friend.  For whom my love never strays, never falters, never believes anything other than the truth in him, for no matter what happens, no matter what people assume, no matter where we end up, we will end up there together.  Because he is the one.

So everyone else can get over themselves.

Love,
Alice

Change.

I've been around the block enough times to know that you can't expect things to stay the same way forever.  That friends will come and go whether you're kicking their lazy ass out or begging them to stay, that the control you think you have over circumstances is just a grand illusion built up by your mind to make you feel better about the choices that you made.  Because everything is where it's supposed to be, right? Sure. I'd like to think so.  I'd like to think that I'm paying my dues and that by the time I have a batch of my own hyper-confused, desperate children, that they'll wonder if I ever didn't have it all together.  A girl can dream, right?

The one nice thing about change, is when it actually changes for the better. When you meet a new friend who reminds you what it's like to chill out with someone who doesn't know all of your dark secrets, but you'd like to think that if they knew, they still wouldn't judge you.  The kind of friends that you can still get excited about things with, instead of mentally calculating how much each adventure is going to cost or where you're going to have to save their ass from this time.  Friends that are there for you as much as you are for them, because lets face it; it sucks to help a friend all weekend, and then have them not return your calls when you're sitting at home sobbing because something went wrong. Or everything is wrong. Or someone died.  You get my jist. 

I'm aware that life is supposed to be full of constant reevaluation, that jobs and interests will change an whatnot, that the shitty jobs won't last forever, and the good ones might just get better. That adversity will challenge your character, and hopefully build it into a better one.  A more faithful, loving, confident one. 

Change is hard, but I feel like I need a lot more of it right now, and I'm praying and praying, and I see it happening little by little, but I'm still left wanting. Does that make me a terrible person? Probably.  I sure feel like one. 

Here's to things getting better, little by little

Love,
Alice

Have-it-all Ln

Why hello blog, long time no see

It's not that I've forgotten about you (really, I haven't, promise) it's just that life has been crazy. I know, bitch bitch bitch. Is that all I do? If bitching was a competetive sport I'd be an olympic bitcher. Or maybe that's what they should call famous dog breeders, is that such a thing? Idk.

Anyhow, I can't sleep. And when I can't sleep, I think. And when I think, I think too much. And when I think too much, I naturally assume that everyone wants to know about all of my inner-babble, hence, ze blog. Full of babble and thinkage.

Right now, for instance, I am wondering if I really can have it all. I know, the "American dream" and all that jazz, of course I can have it all. Right? Sure, why not? Eh, cause life gets in the way. Somewhere on that one track mindset to "have-it-all lane", I get sidetracked onto "I'll-get-around-to-it avenue", take a left down "Work-until-I-forget-my-name street" and sooner or later I end up lost on "where-the-hell-am-I-and-how-the-hell-do-I-get-where-I-want-to-be boulevard". And what do I find there? A traffic jam. A traffic jam of all the other little rat racers trying to get to work, to pay their bills, to clear their name, to obliterate their debt, smothering out their dreams with a crushing immediate reality. A reality where dreamers snatch and fight over every small time promotion disguised as "opportunity" and the true dreamers think they've found an ext off of this godforsaken street, but really it's just a dark alley where they get mugged, cheated, stripped of all dignity and thrown back out into the street like a starving dog. Beaten back into the shape that the government truly wants you to be in: dirty little working rat shape.

Didn't I paint you a beautiful picture? Dirty little working rats, lost. But I have faith, that once I pay my dues on this fugly little boulevard, I can bring my dreams out into the open and no longer be lost. Someday I'll be able to make it to "have-it-all lane" and it won't be because I'm retiring in my little broken old rat body, it will be because I have pushed myself to be a better and stronger person, to turn my dreams into a reality and get rid of all the rest!
If you are one of the few who truly dream, don't ever let that go <3

Love,
Alice

Why, Hello February.

Where did January go? Like seriously, WTF.  I had all kinds of big plans and whoosh! All gone.  Ah well, here I go, jumping back into being a crazy full time workaholic, so lets see how that goes.

Well, the iconic birthday has come to pass, and it was all kinds of ups and downs.  Mostly, it had the potential to be completely awful that was being battled out by my fiance and four small children who were determined to make it the best birthday ever.  It was very sweet of them.

I feel like last week it was New Years, but no, that was five weeks ago.  Is my mind going crazy on me? Is my schedule too busy? Am I just losing track of everything? Probably some sort of combination of the three. I hope that your day is half as busy and twice as fun as mine!

Love,
Alice

I'm late, I'm late, for a very important date!

"No time to say hello, goodbye! I'm late I'm late I'm late!" -my life in a nutshell today.  Only two out of three jobs finished up today, but still crazy.  It was a long good day of work, but so very tiring.  I'll have to start waking up earlier to get more out of my day! And now I'm looking to start a side business on top of it all! Craziness.

I wish I had something more ingenious to say, something that truly meant something.  But I am working on a longer one for later, and my brain is shot right now.

I hope your day was as productive as mine and much, much happier!

Love,

Alice

Pain without love

"Until we see someone's darkness, we don't really know who they are.  Until we forgive someone's darkness, we don't really know what love is."

I don't like thinking of the past.  Sometimes yes, but for the most part, I tend to just think of it as just everything I had to get through to get to where I am.  Everything from age ten to now.  Everything from the pessimism  the pain, the hurt, the climb, the heartbreak, the mistakes, the tears, the anger and frustration -everything that has caused me to doubt and want to give up that only pushed me further.  Those were not enjoyable years, there were years with enjoyable moments, but it didn't happen in a flash.  I'm glad those days are over, I'm glad that I can look back and say "at least I've survived."

There were days when I didn't know if I would survive.  Moments that caused me so much mental pain that I felt physically sick.  Days that I wouldn't even want to get out of bed.  Days that my teeny tiny brother had to sit on my bed and tell me that he would take care of me when I was sad, because he didn't want to see me cry anymore.

Moments and flashbacks that hurt, that make me cringe.  That also remind me that even though I have a tough past, I still have a future, and my future is very bright indeed. Don't give up.

Love,
Alice

Just breathe...

Today was one of those days.

Not one of those days where I freak out and bitch about everything.

Not one of those days where I work all three jobs and get home in time to eat and sleep.

Not even one of those days where I do something crazy fun.

No, today was one of those days where I put down the paperwork, finish my 4th cup of coffee, and just breathe.  And maybe cry a little.  Today was one of those days where I just sit there with my head in my hands and call on Jesus, because I need to realize that it's all out of my control.  It doesn't matter if someone makes a stupid little comment.  It doesn't matter what I'm wearing today.  It doesn't even matter how hard I work at my jobs.  Because it's out of my control.  Every bad thing that sets me behind is a blessing disguised as growing pains, and every good thing that happens is assurance that everything will be okay in the end.  I just need to have faith.  Because faith is what will ultimately bring me joy, passion and success in life.  Because all things that truly matter to me, are firmly grounded in it.  All I need to do today is just relish in that one little fact, let all the rest go, and just carry on.  In the words of Anna Nalick ~

"Yeah we walk through the doors, so accusing their eyes
Like they have any right at all to criticize
Hypocrites, you're all here for the very same reason

And ‘cause you can't jump the track, we're like cars on a cable

And life's like an hourglass, glued to the table

No one can find the rewind button, girl

So cradle your head in your hands
And breathe, just breathe

Oh breathe, just breathe"

Just breathe <3

Love,

Alice

Breakdown 1.0

Well, I made it 15 days into the new year before I had an exhausting "Why-don't-things-happen-faster" breakdown.  I'm really hoping that impatience is something that I outgrow, but at the rate that I look forward to things, I'm thinking not.

If anything, all of the new changes in 2013 have forced me to get some better perspective.  People don't always agree, things aren't always easy, some jobs are better than others, among other things.  These are all things I find myself working through this week, and it's a little tougher than it normally is.

I've found myself disagreeing with my best friend on some fundamental issues, nothing detrimental to our friendship, but important things none the less.  Things that I'm basing my life on and striving for, while she rejects and denies.  Things that won't drive us apart, but won't necessarily bring us closer.

I'm struggling to make ends meet and to keep people happy, to feel good about myself a midst a world that forces me to over analyze and criticize every aspect of myself, and to persevere   All of these things seem more and more difficult this week, and I'm hoping that that changes soon.

My newest job is exciting and crazy, regardless of hangups, it's given me more purpose in a work environment than I've had in many many months.  The pay is very good, the hours are crap, the work is hard, but it's all very rewarding.  Then there's my other job that I just can't seem to shake.  I job that I've never been able to figure out how to ask for a raise, a job that drives me insane and has so little purpose that I often wonder why they don't fire me.  Because if I was my boss, I would set aside a few hours a week and just do my freaking job.  Not higher somebody.  But I'm not my boss.  I am my boss's employee. And I work flexible hours for crap pay in a crowded office next to screaming children.  I wonder every single morning why I don't quit, but I suck it up and drag my ass in to work.  One thing's for sure, this is a job I will never miss.

Never.  There are people who say "never say never" -but those people never had this job.  If you want to feel completely useless, you've got it.

So here I am, saving money like a boss.  Praying and hoping and working hard to get ahead.  Stressing over things I can't control.  Trying like hell to be a professional young working class citizen.  Wish me luck.

Love,
Alice

Do not pass go. Do not collect $200.

I'm beginning to think that I fail at life.

It's all just a jumble of fails and mistakes and substantial days that could have mattered falling apart and landing together in one big box.  I should be able to pick out the details and be happy with them, but it's getting harder and harder. Maybe it's called depression, maybe it's being ungrateful, maybe I'm just falling behind. I'm not quite sure.

I've been forced to re-evaluate my life in light of my upcoming birthday.  A birthday that I have, in all honesty, been planning for 8 years.  A birthday that I've had far more interest in over the course of my life than even throwing a wedding.  I had always planned on eloping, and saving money to throw a party for this particular day.

But, surprise surprise, it's not happening.  I had planned on a trip, a party, and a fabulous new dress. That was before life became a game of Monopoly; holding the right cards, holding the wrong cards, winning, losing, bankers taking all your money, in a game that never ends.  Now I find myself considering the pros and cons of scraping together enough spare cash to go see a movie.  Maybe go out to dinner with all of my friends -except that they can't afford to go out to dinner anymore than I can, and I feel weird anyways asking them to pay their own way.  Maybe I shouldn't, but I do.

Let me explain:

I always felt that this particular birthday would be a grand opening into a brand new, accomplished, fashionable, confident, happy, adult me.  Now looking back, this seems to be rather a barbie reality instead of one that I can reach. But that isn't going to stop me from trying.  I will be try to be happy.  I will try to look good.  I will try to have fun.  I will try to not be disappointed in myself.  Now I will try to take the "try" out of all of those sentences, that would make everything much better.

So here I am, working.  Wondering if I can afford $60.00 on a sparkly, sophisticated new party dress, or whether it would just be just as memorable to go through my storage boxes and pull out an old prom dress from high school and see if it still fits.  It shouldn't be such a depressing thought, but it is.

And so I don't know what will happen, I just might end up renting a movie and sitting inside with a container of cool whip and a can of pringles, bringing in the new me in an enviable fashion.  Wish me luck.

Love,
Alice

Blessed to be a mess.

Two jobs down, one to go.  I feel like this day is never ending, but I'm okay with that.  I started it out with extensive training at my favorite job, two hours of data entry at my most steady job, and now a few more hours of studying and paid prep work for my newest job. It is crazy, and so exhausting, but I am glad.  For even though I have had no spare time today, and expect many more days like this one over the course of the next 6 months, I know that I am blessed.  

I am blessed to live in a Country that, as messed up as it can be, gives me the opportunity to work in multiple environments with equal rights as men. I am blessed to live in a town that has provided me with all of the opportunities to find these jobs, and keep them. I am blessed that it has been over a year since I was laid off from a job because of the economy  and that it hasn't held me back. I am blessed that my truck starts when I turn the key every morning and gets me where I need to be, even though it desperately needs a trip to the mechanics. I am blessed to be engaged to a man who supports me in my jobs and all that I do, encouraging me to work hard and be happy. I am blessed to have little smiling faces greet me when I get home.  I am blessed to have an optimistic view of my future, even if I have a pessimistic view of my present.  I am blessed to have friends who know how to make me smile, even when they're struggling as much or more than I.

Yes, I am busy.  I am tired.  I am hungry.  I can't remember what my hair looks like.  I don't know if I have enough clean clothes to put together a presentable outfit for tomorrow's busy schedule.  I'm itching to check Facebook.  And I know I have to go and clean when I'm done with this post... but I'm okay with that.

I am blessed to be a mess, and while I look forward to a day when I make enough money to only require one job, I am thankful. I hope that you are too.

Love,

Alice

Gah.

People are dumb. More accurately, every engaged woman in my current age bracket is dumb. They all seem to think that their wedding is not only the only important thing in their life, but in every single person whom they know's life as well. They take every indecisive moment and question everyone, publicly count down every freaking day, hour and minute until they're no longer a single woman, and loudly celebrate every purchase towards their big day. With obnoxiously colorful photographic evidence.

Now, i think that it's great that they're so happy about their big day. Just fabulous. But do i care about every detail? No. Nor do i care about their dress's hemline, their floral arrangement dilemmas or what cliche phrase they should have embroidered on their ring bearer's pillow. Yes, these are all decisions that need to be made (apparently.) But not every one of their 485 Facebook friends are truly interested, and sadly, the ones who do offer input will undoubtedly not be invited to the occasion anyhow. I find myself wondering if these women are as ecstatic about their upcoming marriage as they are their upcoming black tie party. After all, a party lasts one night, marriage lasts forever.

That being said, when i eventually pick up a book and start planning my wedding again, i will not be putting every tiny detail on any sort of social network. In fact, I don't really want any outside input at all. As far as I'm concerned, the only thing that they should have to worry about is showing up and enjoying themselves. I'm not into planning huge parties, and i don't even know when, where or how it might possibly come together. The excitement has worn down, i will get around to it eventually.

In the meantime? My fiance and I are actually living our life without the interruptions that wedding planning persists. We are working and supporting each other and figuring it out as we go. Who needs a wedding to start taking care of each other indefinitely? Not me.  Wish me luck.

Love,
Alice

Keep moving forward!

Today I finalized the last bit of paperwork to start my new job.  It's not a long term job, but it is a good job. A good job that I am hoping that I will be good at -which is refreshing considering the fact that my last job was so completely derogatorily awful that I just flat out quit.  So I am hoping and praying and wishing that this is a fabulous fresh start to 2013! I know that this year will be good, and as long as I stick to my few but important resolutions, I should be okay.  I'm not going to let very much get me down this year.  I would say 'let nothing get me down' but, let's be realistic -I'm a pessimist at heart.

But so far, it has all be okay.  Money is starting to loosen it's death grip on my life, my family is getting a little happier, I got to see my best girl friend on the first day of the year, I've got several jobs lined up, I'm wonderfully happy with my relationship to my amazing man, I'm blogging and writing again, and I'm almost all caught up on Grey's Anatomy. Yes, this last one is important.

On that note, I am off to eat sweet potatoes and watch Terra Nova on Netflix with my man. Because there's nothing quite like watching every episode of an awesome show in one night, only to find it's been cancelled 

Love,
Alice

Working for the weekend.

I don't think I ever want to own a business that hires employees, because I know how many rules there are to stay legal. Let alone to keep your employees happy. It requires consistent work, accurate lunch breaks, pleasant communication, limited harassment outside of the actual workplace, yearly raise evaluations and a little appreciation   None of which seem to be important to some business owners. And I happen to work for one. Now, I have worked for two others before, but I've never been stuck in one of those jobs this long.  And unfortunately, there is no "bringing this issue to their attention" in this situation. this is who they are.  And I've often discovered this when husbands and wives run a business together, that stuff falls between the cracks. And it just kind of sucks.  Especially when you as an employee, falls between the cracks.  At this point, it's better to just look for another job.  Which, I'm constantly doing, but rarely with much avail.  It's a dog eat dog world out there, and it's just not happening.  I know that some day, everything will be fine, that these are just pointless bitchy musings that will fade over time -but still, it's hard to go to work with a good attitude knowing that the best part of your day is already over. Hopefully your job brings you more joy than mine does.

Love,
Alice

First post of 2013, might as well!

Good morning 2013! Oh how I hope you will be good to me. It's been a year of long, honest, and tiring perseverance with very little reward. Yet there was some. I got engaged to the most amazing man I have ever met. My best friend and confident. My person. So that was essentially the best day ever.

The rest of the year however, has been long and tiresome. I feel like comparing myself to a hobbit, except he has his own hobbit hole. I had started on a crazy journey last year and followed it through an awesome but temporary job, a cheap and reasonably lousy job, a terrible awful black hole of a life job that didn't last, gaining and losing friends, road trips, hurdles, new household residents of the munchkin variety, not enough running, struggles, faith and much more. I don't know why I used a hobbit as a reference. Possibly because I feel relation with the little fellow in his long and difficult quest, but most likely because I just saw the movie and read the book. Too much awesome to be contained in my mind where hobbits are concerned.

Last night was an interesting end to the year, it was planned for weeks to be a fun get together of friends and movies, and ended up visiting with family and old family friends, discussing politics and where we are now. All the while holding desperately on to my immaturity through playing lego's with my nine-year-old cousin and wearing polka-dotted leggings.

And now here I am, in a whole new year, with all new chances to make this year the "Best year ever" before it all gets out of control and takes off like a bat outta hell. Off to work, off to friends, of to adventures, off to big crazy dreams and plans.

But first, coffee.

Love,
Alice